Weird Science (1985)

Wow. What a great movie.

I remember watching this movie on USA's infamous "Up All Night" show back in the day that used to play weird or offbeat movies at, like, 11 at night, and I think that's the perfect way to describe this movie. This is a perfect late night almost-porn-kind-of-movie that is so irreverent and dumb it could have only been made in the 80s (I realize they're remaking it, but it won't have the same innocence or "why was this even made?" vibe to it as the original).

Here's the premise straight out of every teenage boy's wet dream: Two unpopular nerds decide to use their new-fangled computer to create the perfect woman (while wearing bras on their heads...it's ceremonial). The computer, of course, goes haywire and brings the woman to life, Frankenstein-style. Basically they create their own sex slave (although they never seem to actually have sex with her). Of course, all kinds of shenanigans ensue like drunken nights at the bar and a killer house party that's invaded by mutant bikers and eventually a giant nuclear missile. In the end the boys learn to just be themselves and popularity will come to you (which is bullshit, but it's the 80s so everything seemed possible if you did enough cocaine).

The cast itself is pure 80s cocaine. One of the nerds is played by Anthony Michael Hall who basically plays the same character he played in Breakfast Club. You've got Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man himself) playing a douche who picks on the nerds. Don't Google what she looks like now, but Kelly LeBrock is sooooo 80s hot in this movie. She's heroin thin and rockin' a perm, but if two nerds made a virtual sex slave, it would certainly be Kelly LeBrock.

And then there's Bill Paxton in what should have been an Oscar-nominated role playing the greatest asshole brother in cinematic history, Chet. Damn Academy snobs. Chet is awesome. He wears camo and doesn't hesitate to point a gun in people's faces or sexually harass women he's never met before. I absolutely hate Bill Paxton, but even I have to give him props for his turn as Chet.

The rumor is that John Hughes wrote the script for this film in two days...and it shows. I feel like it was just way easier to make a film back in the 80s. The way I picture it, Hughes wakes up one Saturday morning, feels bored, writes a movie script over the weekend, and then the next weekend he invites all the Brat Pack members over to shoot the thing, and the weekend after that it's in the theaters. Now it takes months and millions of dollars to shoot a movie. Take notice, Hollywood! All you really need is a high school library and some 30-year-old actors playing teenagers and you've got yourself a movie!

If you're still not sold on Weird Science, you should know that it's the only movie where someone is actually turned into a strange pile of human dog shit as a punishment. Ah, the 80s...

Why It's Awesome:

Kelly LeBrock + nerds + Chet + nonsensical plot = 80s win!

Best Quote:

Chet: Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Ferris Bueller is a punk.

Yeah, you heard me. I HATE Ferris Bueller. Don't misunderstand me, I like the movie, but I despise the character of Ferris Bueller. I realize the whole point of the character is that he's supposed to be a lovable, trouble-making rapscallion that everyone likes, but THAT'S exactly what I hate about him. He's a smug little prick. "Oooh, look at me, I'm so laid back and cool I can break the fourth wall and talk directly to the camera." I'm with Jeannie. He's a bastard.

This entire film is an affront to every hard-working school administrator in the country. Ferris' actions should not be praised or celebrated. He missed school nine times in a single school year...nine times. Now, I realize that may seem tame by today's standards, but by 1980 Caucasian standards, that's like, 50 days worth of unexcused absences. Society should condemn his actions. Young adults have a responsibility to be in school furthering their education so they can have a productive future as fully-functioning adults, not gallivanting around Chicago with their girlfriends in a stolen vehicle and lip-syncing (poorly) to German songs during some gay pride parade that inexplicably takes place during a work day in the middle of the afternoon. SHAME!

What's Ferris going to do in the future? Knock up Sloane and then leave her in the middle of her pregnancy to backpack through Europe so he can "find himself" and then never come back? That's what happens when you miss school nine times...nine times.

Ferris Bueller is such a prick he's the only title character in cinematic history who experiences exactly ZERO change from the beginning of the film to the end. He's a completely static character. He's a smug dickweed at the beginning all the way through the scene at the end of the credits where he basically tells us, the audience, to piss off. It's well documented that Cameron is, by basic storytelling standards, the main character of the story. He's the one who experiences the change after that terrorist, Ferris Bueller, totals the Ferrari.

But the true hero of the film is none other than the legendary EDWARD ROONEY, the dean of students at Ferris' school. This is what all school administrators should strive to be. He sees a young man on a path to destruction, and he does everything in his power to save the wayward lad from himself. He even makes a house call! What overpaid school administrator is going to do that in the year 2013?! Answer: none. This is a man who truly cares about his students. When he learns about Sloane's grandmother's death (another horrible rouse orchestrated by that liar, Ferris), he shows true compassion. "Between grief and nothing...I'll take grief." You are wise, Edward Rooney, so wise...

Save Ferris? I think not.

Why It's Awesome: It's the story of how far one dedicated educator will go to save a single student from his self-destructive behavior. They should remake this movie and just call it ROONEY.

Best Quote:

Charlie Sheen (ironically enough playing a drugged-out junkie): You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

My latest theme for my reviews is going to be John Hughes' movies, and we start with the best.

If someone asked me to name the best movie about being a teenager, it would be The Breakfast Club. Even though it's nearly thirty years old (yikes!) it still perfectly sums up what it means to be a teen. High school students get lumped into cliques and stereotypes and eventually they become those stereotypes when in reality they're all pretty much the same...whiny brats who blame their parents for all their problems.

This movie would NEVER be made in today's film industry. It comes off as more of a play than a movie. It's a film for teens that doesn't include a single explosion, vampire, or superhero. Five teens with nothing in common spend a Saturday detention together...yeah, that's the plot. It doesn't take place at a school for wizards and there are no transforming robot attacks and there's not a single car chase. It's a reflection on the teenage social scene that relies on clever dialogue and strong character performances to carry the film. God, 80s movies are SOOOO much better than 20-teen movies. Everything sucks now!

Anyways, the casting is legendary. The Brat Pack was in full force here with Molly "80s diva" Ringwald representing the preps, Emilio (EMILLLLLLLIO!) Estevez representing the jocks, Anthony Michael Hall (who can predict people's deaths) representing the nerds, Ally Sheedy representing the goth weirdo nymphos, and, in one of my favorite 80s performances, Judd Nelson playing John Bender, representing the dirtball losers.

This is one legendary flick that I actually wouldn't mind seeing remade because with each generation it would be a little different. In a modern adaptation of the movie you'd have to include the Emo Kid, the ADHD Kid, The Kid Who Thinks He's Black But Is Actually White, The Teen Mom, The Gamer, and The Kid Who Is Off His Meds. Actually, no, that would be a horrible movie. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure The Breakfast Club was the inspiration for MTV's The Real World, a show that gave birth to reality television. Thus by traveling back in time, if I could prevent John Hughes from ever making the movie, I could avoid the creation of reality TV! I'm going to totally pull a Biff Tannen!

The only thing that I hate about this movie is that it seems to break down the walls of teenage cliques, but, in reality, all it does is reinforce them. Andrew is only interested in Allison AFTER her makeover makes her look more socially acceptable. Nerdy Brian is forced to write the entire essay for the group and goes home without a lady (as all nerds do). Then you've got the blooming relationship between Bender and Claire. Pah-leeze! The movie shouldn't end with Bender on the football field pumping his fist. No, it should end on Monday morning when Bender approaches Claire and her group of friends and she totally blows him off...because THAT'S what would happen.

So please, don't forget about me. No. Don't, don't, don't, don't! {FIST PUMP!}

Why It's Awesome: It's a teen melodrama without the cheap metaphor of magical powers or vampires or super powers or any of that bullshit that's chucked into movies for stupid people. If nothing else, watch the scene where Bender and Vernon are going back and forth ("You want another?") and you'll know why it's awesome.

Best Quote (I could go with a dozen Bender quotes, but instead I'll go with a lesser-known but depressingly true quote):

Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.