Predator (1987)

GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!
This is it...the most manliest movie OF ALL TIME!
Put the women and children to bed and sprout a massive erection, this is PREDATOR.

Talk about your all-time great badass line-ups here. Of course the manliest movie of all-time would have to star Arnold, but he's supported by Apollo fuckin' Creed (Carl Weathers) and the man who ain't got time to bleed, Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

I've cracked the code for successful Arnold movies. Because he's such a total genetic freak, the key to a successful Arnold movie is creating an antagonist that is so badass and so hardcore that it makes Arnold the underdog. This is the major flaw with the epically ridiculous Commando because the main antagonist, Bennett (the guy in the chain mail), is such a sopping wet pussy he stands zero chance of defeating Arnold. Then on the other end of the spectrum, you've got the legendary Terminator 2 where the T-1000 makes Arnold his bitch for most of the movie...and then there's the Predator alien.

The Predator  has to be one of, if not the, greatest sci-fi creature villain ever created, and sits right up there with the T-1000 as a worthy adversary for Arnold. The chances of being disappointed when it removes its face shield at the end of the movie were about 99%, but Sam Winston is a cinematic god and created an original and terrifying creature that makes every CGI creature ever made look like a claymation piece of shit.

The first third of the movie sets out to create the impression that this group of guys is the greatest collection of badasses known to man. I love that their approach to their rescue mission (where the objective is to rescue hostages...alive, I assume) is to unload on the compound with grenade launchers and just blow the holy fuck out of the entire place. Apparently they only had to rescue the hostages' corpses. Then the second act of the film is the Predator bitching out Arnold's boys one-by-one with his assortment of toys. And then it all ends with the dramatic one-on-one showdown between Arnold and the Predator...

That showdown...holy piss. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Arnold vs. the Predator is the single greatest one-on-one showdown in cinematic history. You've got human vs. alien. You've got technology vs. basic survival instincts. And that moment when the Predator has Arnold beat, but, instead of finishing him off, strips off his techno gear, looks him straight in the eye, and in true Step-Brothers fashion says, "Let's get it on"...wow. That moment is enough to make any true man's testicles swell with manly pride.

The entire man factor of this movie can be summed up by the scene near the start of the film where Arnold greets Apollo Creed and they exchange a manshake and the camera focuses on their giant biceps and they're sweating all over the place and in their eyes you can see they're dreaming about eating beef jerky and impregnating Mexican maids...and then skipping out on the child support payments.

Ah, the joys of being a man...

Why It's Awesome: It follows the successful Arnold movie formula to perfection:

Arnold + badass sci-fi villain + absolutely no remnant of a love story = EPIC WIN!

Best Quote:

Blain: I ain't got time to bleed.

(Think about that: to be so busy killing shit you don't have time to bleed...that's hardcore)

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

And now...the thrilling conclusion to Quentin Tarantino's revenge epic, KILL BILL...or not.

What should have been the action-packed denouement to Tarantino's best flick falls way flat. It's a steep decline from the Crazy-88 slicing and dicing the first half has to offer. This time around the Bride earns back her name, finishes off the rest of the DiVAS, kills Bill, and reclaims her daughter, B.B.

The only problem is that all of this happens in the least interesting and exciting way possible.

After the retelling of the events at Two Pines, we open in the desert with easily the most complex character in the movie, Budd (played by the always amazing Michael Madsen). Budd is a broken man. He's out of shape, broke, and works in a POS titty bar. His life is shit. And yet, Budd is the only person in the movie capable of gaining a victory over the Bride, thus proving that even the deadliest woman is no match for the most slovenly man (I'm pretty sure that was the point Tarantino was trying to make). Budd's victory also shows what happens when a samurai steps foot in a Western - she gets her ass blown away by a double-barrel shotgun.

The Budd/Elle confrontations are where this movie fails to achieve LEGENDARY status. The Bride's mission is to gain revenge on each individual who played a role in the wedding day massacre. In that mission, she fails. She epically fails to kill Budd, and, even though the showdown between the Bride and Elle in the trailer is pretty sweet, the Bride leaves Elle alive (although the eye squish is fairly epic in its own right).

And if those showdowns are disappointing, the showdown between the Bride and Bill is like waking up on Christmas morning to discover your parents have converted to Judaism. The ending is so un-Quentin-like it's mind-boggling. I realize that's the point, to have a very personal verbal confrontation between two ex-lovers, but we still could have had a sweet sword fight to end things. I mean, this is what we've been building to for nearly four hours! And what we get is fight that lasts less than thirty seconds and where neither participant leaves his or her seat! WHAT?! Apparently the samurai sword fight on the beach, bathed in the moonlight was supposed to actually happen, but the film ran long so what we get is a total waste of Carradine's talents.

Even as a single movie, I still feel like everything that happened after the Crazy-88 fight would be disappointing. As a single movie, Volume 2 falls short of its predecessor, and that should never be the case when comparing the first part to a second part. If you title your movie Kill Bill, you better FUCKING KILL BILL...HARD!

Why It's Awesome: It's not. It falls short as the conclusion to one of the most epic revenge tales in cinema. Still, punching your way through your own coffin, the trailer fight, Pai Mai, and the cleft lip chick are all pretty sweet.

Best Quote:

Bud: Wakey, wakey...eggs and bakey.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)

There are two things I'm convinced that women will never understand. The first are the mechanics of peeing standing up. The second is the appeal of Quentin Tarantino flicks.

Tarantino movies have their own rhythm, their own beat, their own rules. He's basically created his own sub-genre. Tarantino movies are rarely told in chronological order, they're always violent, and the dialogue can only be described as Quentin-esque.

Reservoir Dogs is easily my favorite Tarantino movie, but the Kill  Bill flicks (which have strangely fallen out of favor in the movie community in recent years) still represent my favorite cinematic revenge flick. Revenge flicks are easy to set up but difficult to pull off. You need a person who's been fucked over and then a means of gaining revenge on those who did the fucking. Still, the person seeking revenge must be sympathetic throughout the journey and, in the quest to slay monsters, avoid becoming a monster in the process.

Very few movies with female protagonists kick ass as much as Kill Bill, and there's a reason why it works. Uma Thurman is not that hot. That's important. I'm not sure why that's a rule, but it is. Hot chicks can be elements of lust in action movies, but they can't be action stars. It's too distracting. Uma Thurman is just modestly attractive enough not to allow her looks to detract from the rest of the movie.

Volume 1 is the superior of the two volumes, based mainly on the strength of the House of Blue Leaves action finale, a fight that is never matched in Volume 2 (which is a mistake I'll discuss in the next review). Quentin always tries a lot of innovative things in his flicks and some of them work and some of them don't. The nonlinear approach works especially well in this movie because we're fed pieces of the story slowly, keeping The Bride's true motivation and her relationship with Bill a mystery. The over-the-top gore and cheesy fight sound effects (an homage to kung-fu flicks of the 70s) works splendidly as well.

Three elements that don't work for me are the anime sequence (too out of place), O-Ren's ridiculously long backstory (unnecessary for the main narrative), and the mystery of The Bride's real name (the pay-off isn't big enough to make it matter).

Everything else, though, is gold. The black and white opening of a blood-stained Bride taking a shot to the head...perfect. The opening fight scene between The Bride and Vernita Green with the little girl showing up after her mother's death...love it. The Pussy Wagon? C'mon! And that Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves is one of modern cinema's great fight scenes (the music!). Over-the-top? Yes. Brilliant? Absolutely. If there's one thing Quentin knows how to do, it's kill a mother fucker.

We'll be back with Volume 2 next time.

Why It's Awesome: One of the great all-time revenge flicks, containing one of the great action sequences of the oughts. This, along with the second volume, may be Quentin Tarantino's most complete cinematic offering. And who doesn't love to see a moderately attractive chick fuck Asians up?

Best Quote:

Hanzo: I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.

300 (2006)

This month Captain 69 is viewing MAN MOVIES...movies that kick ass and demand their women march into the kitchen and make a baby and a chicken pot pie!

We're starting with one of the few manly, badass offerings of the oughts, 300.

Based on one of the most hardcore battles ever in history (The Battle of Thermopylae) and later turned into a hardcore graphic novel by legendary Frank Miller, how could this film not be a total erection-inducing, testosterone-filled manfest (That description made it sound like a gay porno, didn't it?)? You've got 300 dudes born to do nothing but kick ass against almost 200,000 future corpses. Is it historically accurate? Hell no, but who gives a shit? In fact, it doesn't have to be because the entire movie is the recollection of the one-eyed Spartan telling the story to inspire his troops at the end. Clever...

This movie includes everything that is considered manly. Let's do the manly man movie checklist...

- Dude has sex with a hot chick (including from behind)...CHECK!

- Dude fails to listen to reason and solves his problems with unnecessary violence...CHECK!

- Dude ignores overwhelming odds and relies on his ability to kick ass in slow motion...CHECK!

- Dude kills innocent animals and discriminates against the disabled...CHECK!

- Dude refuses to surrender (in spite of reasonable and lucrative terms offered) and instead chooses to die in a blaze of glory after uttering many manly catchphrases...CHECK!

It's no wonder that many of the actors have gone on to star in Spartacus, which is television's most hardcore and manly show (and also a total rip-off, stylistically, of 300). Unfortunately, life was not as kind to Gerard Butler, who played second fiddle to Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter and totally ruined his badass image for all time. SHAME!

On a final note, it's strange how some of the manliest movies are also the gayest. The entire movie features a bunch of totally ripped, sweaty dudes walking around with no shirts the entire movie. It makes me feel good to know that there are films that gay men and straight men can sit and enjoy together. I don't know why I'm ending this post with probably the least manly observation but oh well...

Why It's Awesome: This movie is pure action. These fucking Spartans kill everyone. They kill messengers, they kill slaves, they kill "immortal" soldiers with totally fucked up faces, they kill a huge ogre-type demon dude, they kill a rhino, two elephants, and a dozen horses. They kill EVERYONE! And then they get killed, too. The total body count is 500+. That's an action movie! EVERYONE SHOULD DIE!

Best Quote (this one's easy...):

Leonides: Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for tonight, we dine in hell!