Dead Snow (2009)

There are horror classics like the original Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and Saw...pretty much anything that spawned 37 sequels was probably good in its original incarnation. In honor of Halloween, I decided to review the complete opposite of those movies - that is, a complete crapfest.

And on that note, let's discuss DEAD SNOW, a Norwegian film that gives us not only zombies and not only Nazis but NAZI ZOMBIES! Who could ask for anything more?

Here's the ridiculous premise: A couple of the dumbest medical students on the planet spend their Easter weekend in an isolated cabin in the mountains...little do they know that the mountain is infested with NAZI ZOMBIES who pretty much straight up murder anyone who steals their stolen Jew gold (it's kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean but instead of pirates you have Nazis and instead of Johnny Depp you have some Norwegian janitor who wandered onto a movie set).

Let's do the totally awesome cheesy horror flick check list:

- At least three scenes of people taking a dump...CHECK!

- Absolutely no explanation as to why the Nazis are zombies...CHECK!

- At least five examples of unnecessary and logic defying decisions to "split up"...CHECK!

- Some girl swinging from a mountain by a Nazi zombie's intestines...CHECK!

- A chick having sex with a fat guy WHILE he takes a dump in an outhouse during which she LICKS THE GUY'S FINGERS that he just used to WIPE HIS ASS...that's a big CHECK!

This movie directly lifts scenes from much better movies such as Friday the 13th, Evil Dead, The Descent, and even Shaun of the Dead. And forget about following standard zombie rules. These zombies make use of cheetah speed, binoculars, and camouflage. I guess Nazi zombies are different from your non-fascist zombie varieties.

On a final note, this movie contains the greatest Molotov cocktail FAIL in cinematic history. Watch below and enjoy your craptacular Halloween!

Why it's Awesome: The only movie ever to marry two of the greatest villains in cinema...Nazis and zombies. Really the movie should have just been called Nazi Zombies. Dead Snow tells me nothing and it's stupid. How can snow be dead? Hell, I don't even know what I'm getting with a title like that, but Nazi Zombies...I know exactly what I'm getting and I'm into it...hard!

Best Quote:

Roy: Where the fuck did you get a machine gun? (after seeing his friend show up with a machine gun strapped to the front of his snowmobile).

Idiocracy (2006)

This is easily one of the most underrated moves of the past decade. A total of, like, twelve people have actually seen this movie and I encourage at least twelve more to watch it. I suggest you be one of the twelve.

The reason this movie is so great is because it's 100% true. The movie is about how, due to the failure of evolution to weed out stupid people, in the future, everyone is basically retarded and dumb as shit because stupid people are too stupid to figure out how birth control works and intelligence has been eliminated from the gene pool. This leads to a world dominated by all-encompassing corporations, technology, and advertising that dominates all facets of life. Sound familiar?

Here's the story: Private Joe Bowers, a painfully average man, is chosen to participate in an army experiment to test new hibernation technology. Unfortunately, the experiment goes awry and he wakes up 500 years in the future when everyone is stupid and he's the smartest man alive. Now he must save the country from its own stupidity.

Here are some features of the dumbass society:

- Their most popular television show is a show called "Ow, my balls!" which is a guy just getting hit in the nuts in a variety of situations (basically it's an advanced version of Funniest Home Videos)

- Their chairs are recliners/toilets so they don't have to get up when they're watching television

- The president of the United States is an ex-pro wrestler/porn star

- People win senate seats on reality television shows

- The movie that won best picture was just a giant ass farting for two hours (it won a total of eight Oscars, including best screenplay)

Some of the humor is a little low-brow but it's totally justified by the movie's premise. You also have to keep in mind that the movie was written and directed by Mike Judge, the guy who was responsible for Beavis and Butthead so you should know what you're getting yourself into.

Seriously, though, look around and tell me we're not a society of mental midgets. This movie is only funny if you realize that our entire society is stupid. If you deny this fact, then you are one of the dumb invidiuals that this movie is mocking and, thus, you will not find it humorous at all.

Here's the test: watch the clip below. If you find it funny, then you'll enjoy the movie. If you don't, then fuck you...

Why It's Awesome: Gaze into our future. I can guarentee, with 100% accuracy, that this movie is EXACTLY what we can expect America to look like...only I predict it will happen within the next decade instead of 500 years like this movie predicts.

Best Quote:

Bowers: And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!

Cool as Ice (1991)

"Look, Ma! No talent!"

For those of you who thought that Vanilla Ice's pure awesomeness was only reserved for the early 90s rap scene, I present to you a film that answers that burning question that philosophers have been asking themselves for centuries: How cool is Vanilla Ice?

Answer: COOL AS ICE, MOTHA FUCKA!

That's right, someone thought it would be a good idea to put Vanilla Ice in a movie, and, not just put him in the movie like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze ("Ninja! Ninja! Rap!) but to have him STAR in his own movie. Now, imagine how awesome a movie starring Vanilla Ice would be, multiply that by 400 million, and that's how epically sweet COOL AS ICE truly is.

The thing that most people don't understand about this movie is that VI's character "Johnny Van Owen" isn't supposed to be considered an average mortal man. No, he exemplifies the qualities of a mythical man of legend, what Nietzsche called the ubermensch. VI's character is similar to what a modern Jesus would be if Jesus could lay down some sick beats and shave random crop circles into the back of his hair and eyebrow.

Among his many legendary deeds, VI accomplishes the following in epic fashion:

1) Jumps a motorcycle over a fence without the aid of any sort of incline, ramp, or adherence to the laws of physics. He jumps the fence through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. That's COOL AS ICE! Check it out:

2) Woos a female Republican with a 4.0 grade point average by nearly paralyzing her in a horrible horseback riding accident, stealing her black book that contains her "scholorship information," breaking into her house and shoving an ice cube down her throat (yes, this literally happens in the film) and taking her to an active construction site on their first date. How could VI possibly win the heart of any female by committing all these horrible acts? Because he's COOL AS ICE!

3) Changes clothes 40 times a day despite the fact he's on a road trip driving a motorcycle without any luggage of any kind. And I shouldn't have to say this but every outfit he wears, from the jacket that has over 70 phrases printed on it ranging from "Sex me up" to "Yep Yep" to his neon yellow parachute pants and suspenders combo, is COOL AS ICE!

4) Drives his motorcycle through the second story wall of a building. Yep...COOL AS ICE...

Now the reason I haven't described the plot yet is that it's irrelevant because really everything that happens is just an excuse for VI to be awesome. Here's the plot anyway: Vanilla Ice and his crew of black slaves drives their motorcycles into a town of white people who have never seen blacks before where he meets a stuck-up bitch whose father is hiding in the witness protection program from two corrupt cops. You can imagine what happens from there and, rest assured, everything that happens is...well...you can probably guess...

This movie is also infamous for having the greatest tag line of any movie EVER. The tag line is "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice."

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense because everyone knows that if you want to melt a stone, the best way to do that is to use ice...er, wait...does that make sense? Oh well. COOL AS ICE!

Why it's Awesome: I'm serious, Vanilla breaks into this slut's house, literally climbs in through the window, and shoves an ice cube down her throat...it happens! Where the fuck did he even get an ice cube?! Then she wakes up and finds him, a person she just met the previous day, lying in the bed next to her half-naked body. And she's totally into it! Now that's a pimp, my friends!

Best Quote (the infamous):

Ice: Here's some words of wisdom: Drop dat zero. Git wit da hero!

The Wicker Man (2006)

Wow...

Wow...

Wow...

Nick Cage is a GOD...of terrible, bat-shit crazy acting performances. And this is his masterpiece.

Wicker Man is one of the all-time best worst movies of all time. Cage deserves every Oscar ever presented to anyone for his performance as a female-beating, bear-suit wearing, totally clueless cop who wants to know HOW'D IT GET BURNED?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'DITGETBURNED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's the movie's attempt at a plot: after experiencing a traumatic and never-fully explained event, Nick Cage receives a letter from an ex-girlfriend who left him at the altar claiming her daughter has been kidnapped on a strange island ruled by man-hating dykes. So even though he has no motivation to go, he travels to the island, where everyone (including the woman he's there to help) refuses to answer ANY of his questions...I mean, these bitches literally won't answer ANYTHING. Every time he asks a question all they do is snort or cough or make some sort of unrecognizable sound...and that's pretty much the entire movie.

During his quest to have someone...ANYONE..answer one of his questions, Cage goes on a rampage of awesomeness that includes the following EPIC acts:

- Pulls a gun on an unarmed woman in order to steal her bike

- Dresses up as a bear and talks on his cell phone

- Roundhouse kicks a woman for being too vague

- Calls an entire classroom of little girls "Little Liars!"

- Delivers an uppercut to a woman just for smiling at him

- Straight up delivers a haymaker to an unsuspecting woman's jaw while dressed up as a bear

- Calls pretty much everyone on the island a bitch

Cage absolutely acts up as storm in this movie as only Nick Cage can. There's a reason why this man owns a dinosaur skull, ladies and gentlemen. His entire performance can be summed up in the scene where these crazy sluts break his leg, and, in order to inform the audience that his leg has just been broken, he screams, "Ow! My leg!" thus indicating that his leg has, in fact, been broken. Now that's acting!

It's pointless to try to describe the absolute whirlwind of acting Cage hurls through the screen so I'm including a Youtube clip of some of his best moments. Enjoy:

Why It's God-Awful: Really this is an allegory of what would happen if women were in charge of our government. There'd be human sacrifices and non-stop Halloween and our only hope would be people like Nick Cage who are willing to uppercut women with no shame and steal their bikes.

Best Quote:

Nick Cage: OH NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! BLH!