Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)

WINNING! WINNING! WINNING!

In honor of the machete-wielding, tiger blood-possessing Charlie Sheen's imminent death, this week's movie is his infamous early 90s spoof, Hot Shots! Part Deaux. This movie was one of a long line of hilarious 90s spoofs that included the Naked Gun series and Loaded Weapon 1, which starred Samuel L. Jackson and EMILIO! Estavez, Charlie's brother. But of all those spoofs, Hot Shots! Part Deaux definitely has the best title. DEAUX!

You know, in all honesty, Charlie Sheen is a damn fine actor. The guy's diverse. Check out his work in Platoon and the original Wall Street and tell me he's not a damn good dramatic actor. But then add movies like Major League and Men at Work and the Hot Shots! movies and tell me the guy isn't fucking hilarious. And the acting he's doing now? Acting like a sex-craved cokehead who's probably murdered several hookers? This may be his best stuff to date...

The film itself is a send-up of movies like Rambo (in fact, the dude from Rambo is actually in this movie) where some former ultimate soldier must come out of retirement to murder a bunch of bad guys in a jungle somewhere. Of course, the funny thing is that this jungle's in Iraq and ruled over by a dead dictator (well he's dead now, at least). The movie is still funny even today with constant movie references and it's just non-stop one-liners and funny stuff happening in the background. It's silly, ridiculous humor but it delivers on that front in spades. It's everything that made the Scary Movies fucking hilarious until they became a parody of themselves and started to suck dick harder than one of Charlie's crack hoes.

So, in conclusion, I only have one speed....GO!

Why It's Awesome: One name...Charlies Sheen. 'Nuff said.

Best Quote:

President Benson: We'll settle this the 'ole Navy way: First one to die, loses!

Total Recall (1990)

"TWO WEEKS!"

I've had a bad taste in my mouth ever since reviewing Running Man, which is easily one of my least favorite Arnold flicks, mainly because I'm a huge Arnold mark, but, c'mon, those fucking tight-ass jumpsuits? There are some things of Arnold I just don't want to see.

But Total Recall? This is Arnold and sci-fi done right. Most of Arnold's best movies fall into the sci-fi genre (Predator, Terminator, Total Recall) with the exception of Commando (the greatest over-the-top action movie of all time).

"TWO WEEKS!"

Let's do the action movie checklist:

Arnold...CHECK!

Hot-ass 80's slut (Sharon Stone)...CHECK!

Arnold using a guy as a human shield for an inordinate amount of time...CHECK!

A chick with three tits...CHECK!

Some gross Siamese fetus who lives in another's dude's chest...CHECK!

Arnold killing a guy with a giant drill...CHECK!

Arnold saying cool stuff when he kills someone ("See you at the party, Richter!")...CHECK!

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty sweet-ass rundown. This is what a sci-fi action movie should be. And the special effects? For 1990, they don't get much better than this. In the first scene when the glass on Arnold's helmet breaks and his neck muscles contract and his eyes bulge out of his head, you're all like, "Oh, man, that's awesome. Look at his eyes. They're all bulgy and shit."

Unfortunately, this movie is often overshadowed by James Cameron's sci-fi action masterpiece Terminator 2, but give Total Recall its due. This is Arnold at his best and a perfect example of why when it came to 90's action flicks, Arnold was the king.

Why It's Awesome: Action, adventure, mystery, and a mutant chick with three tits. Plus, the story ain't bad for a sci-fi flick. Was the entire adventure real or nothing more than the wet dream of a lobotimized Quaid? Hmmm...maybe too deep for an Arnold flick.

Best Quote:

Mars Customs Agent: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Quaid in Disguise: Two weeks.

Mars Customs Agent: Excuse me?

Quaid in Disguise: TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEKS! TWWWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEKSSSSS!

Child's Play (1988)

Why is it that all the best and cheesiest horror movies were made in the 80's? Oh yeah...because the 80's ROCKED...hard!

When I think of Child's Play, I think of Chucky delivering cheesy one-liners and the ridiculousness of a two-foot dolling murdering grown men. Honestly, how ashamed would you be if you were murdered by a two-foot, red-headed DOLL? You'd welcome death because you'd feel like such a fucking pussy.

But there's a reason why this movie spawned 18 sequels: The original is actually pretty fucking good. I wouldn't use the word "scary," but I'd definitely use the words "suspenseful" and "entertaining." The first 45 minutes of this movie really impressed me because I was expecting to be laughing at all the cheeseball antics of a serial killer running around in a doll's body, but that's not what I got. See, for the first 45 minutes, Chucky doesn't say anything. It's just Andy (the little bitch boy) speaking for him and there is some question as to whether the doll is really alive or if Andy is a little psycho boy (or at least there would be if you had never seen this shit before).

And those first 45 minutes of solid suspense make it even MORE powerful when Andy's mom threatens to toss Chucky into the fire and he suddenly comes to life and screams, "Fuck you, you fucking bitch!" Now THAT'S an entrance! Oh, and the ending? Talk about OVERKILL. First they burn the little bastard, then they shoot him into several different body parts, then they shoot him at close range, and FINALLY, to end Chucky once and for all, they shoot the Chuckster in the heart. Now that's what I want to see in my horror villain, a tough mother fucker who comes back again and again for cheap, "Is he dead YET?!" thrills.

On a personal note, I had a special place in my heart for Chucky because I had the boy doll that inspired him, My Buddy. Anyone who doesn't know who My Buddy is should die. He was a giant doll for boys and if you had him, you weren't gay at all. Anyways, I beat the shit out of My Buddy every chance I got just in case he came alive he'd know who was the boss and who was the bitch. Wanna play?

Why It's Awesome: A serial killer transfers his soul into a doll and then goes on a murder rampage in his new plastic body. How could that NOT be good?

Best Quote:

Lady in the Elevator: What an ugly doll.

Chucky: Fuuuuck you.

Man in the Moon (1999)

We go from Jim Carrey speaking with his ass to Jim Carrey in a role that SHOULD have won him an Academy Award. Unfortunately for Jim Carrey, if he didn't win it for Man in the Moon, he's not going to...unless he makes Ace Ventura III with a Vengeance.

Andy Kaufman was the greatest entertainer in the history of mankind. He was a real life wrestling villain who had no idea how to separate real life from the world of entertainment. He was in business to entertain one person: himself. He never feared pissing off the audience or embarassing himself. That kind of courage is rare in this world and the fact that he succeeded in the entertainment industry is even more amazing. There will NEVER be another entertainer like him again.

His best creation, Tony Clifton, is one of the greatest creative characters ever, pure and unadulterated asshole. Unfortunately, if you watch the old videos of Andy Kaufman performing Tony Clifton, I think Jim Carrey does a better job of portraying Tony Clifton than Kaufman ever did. Seriously, there is no one else who cold have played this part. It's similar to Jamie Fox playing Ray Charles; Jim Carrey was simply born to play Andy Kaufman. Apparently Carrey loved Kaufman growing up and the love shows in the performance.

Whenever a bio pic comes out, the question is always how accurate and true to real life did the movie remain? To be honest, I could care less how much of the movie is accurate. Most of Andy's infamous stunts (although I would have loved to see the performance where he laid in a sleeping bag for ten minutes motionless) are represented in the movie and are well-documented, but as far as the real-life Kaufman is concerned, perhaps it's best we never know.

Why It's Awesome: There are so few interesting entertainers anymore. They're all cookie-cutter celebrities with the same PC persona...it truly makes me sick. Andy was anything but PC.

Best Quote:

Andy (as Foreign Man): I am from Caspier, an Island in the Caspian Sea...it sunk.