Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later...

Eventually Fate was going to reach out and bitch slap me across the face, and it finally happened. I reached into the Bag of Fate and pulled the one movie I took a blood oath never to watch again: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that Indiana Jones was my idol growing up. He was so badass fighting Nazis and rocking a five o'clock shadow and pulling hot chicks on all his adventures. Plus his dad was James Bond so that's just icing on the cake, bitch.

So I had mixed feelings when a fourth Indiana Jones was released back in 2008 because I didn't want George Lucas to rape another profitable franchise from my youth, but I gave the movie the benefit of the doubt and attended the midnight showing rocking my fedora and five o'clock shadow. And then I watched a CGI-infested shitfest complete with Shia Ladouche and Russians instead of Nazis...and I was APPALLED!

Here are the top three reasons why this movie sucks ass:

- First of all, Spielberg betrayed his earlier statements and filled the movie with crappy looking CGI effects. Those scorpians weren't really there, but those snakes, bugs, and rats were in the first movie and that's what made them awesome! CGI ruined the new Star Wars trilogy and it took a liquid dump all over Indy, too. I knew I was in trouble the second the movie opened with a CGI praerie dog.

- Next, say what you will about the infamous "Nuking the Fridge" moment, it still wasn't the most ridiculous part of the movie. That distinction goes to the "Shia LaDouche swinging from jungle vines with CGI monkeys" moment, a moment that, even if the rest of the movie had been decent (it wasn't) would have been enough to fart all over the legacy of Indiana Jones.

- Finally, Lucas INSISTING on using aliens...wait, I'm sorry, INTERDIMENSIONAL BEINGS THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALIENS AND FLY AROUND IN ALIEN SPACESHIPS as the central plot point doomed this movie to EPIC FAIL status. I'm sorry, but Indiana Jones and aliens should not mix. Send him after the Fountain of Youth or Noah's Ark or ANYTHING but aliens was just the wrong way to go here. It made the whole thing a cheese-fest instead of an archaelogist adventure.

I thought I might hate this movie less the second go around, but I hated it equally as much as when my heart was originally broken upon viewing the rapedown of my boyhood idol. Fuck you, Steven and George, fuck you hard up your CGI-enhanced asses.

Why I Hate It: CGI everywhere, as far as the eye can see...

Worst Quote:

Indiana : Knowledge was their treasure...their treasure...was knowledge.