Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

This movie came out in the mid-90's amidst a slew of other quality comedies like Billy Madison and Tommy Boy that centered around what I like to think was juvenile or idiot humor...and you know what? It's still funny today, nearly 20 years later.

Unfortunately, this movie was so popular that it sprouted millions of tools who had to say stupid shit like, "Alrighty then!" and "Looooser!" non-stop and it actually made you think the movie and Jim Carrey's character was annoying when it was really only these unimaginative tools who were annoying (Same thing happened to Austin Powers). I actually had a friend named "Jim Curry" in high school who looked like Jim Carrey and he, of course, spouted these ridiculous catchphrases as his own...it's no wonder everyone hated that kid.

This movie was almost painful to watch because it was so funny. Why can't they make funny movies like this anymore? The main character is hilarious, the plot is a perfect vehicle to highlight the main character's strengths, and it's just a fucking funny movie. It also made me realize that Jim Carrey should get back into comedy (actual comedy that's funny instead of the recent garbage he's been in like Yes Man and Dick and Jane). I realize that cocaine had a lot to do with his performance, but, if that's what it takes to get him back to form, I'll gladly let him do a line off my ass.

Ace Ventura is just more proof that movies "back in the day" were so much better than they are today and that comedies and comedians in the 90s were way funnier than they are in the 2K era. Jim Carrey 2k11 = not funny. Adam Sandler 2k11 = NOT FUCKING FUNNY. Chris Farley 2k11 = dead. Even Will Ferrell is slowly drifting into the category 0f "not funny anymore." What happened?

Oh well. This movie is the reason Jim Carrey can make all those shitty movies he makes today and is paid millions of dollars to star in garbage. Let's appreciate the funny he once was instead of mourn the insane, depressed, overpaid actor he is today. "AAAAAAAAALL RIGHTY THEN!"

Why It's Awesome: A one man comedy machine is unleashed on the world with Gumby-like limbs, weird hair, a dozen catch-phrases, and a tendancy to speak with his ass. Now THAT'S comedy, my friends.

Best Quote:

Ace: Like a glove! (I still say this every time I squeeze into a parking space that is way too small for my car. I know, I know, I just got done talking about people quoting this movie, but it's a few decades old. Now it's fair game).

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later...

Eventually Fate was going to reach out and bitch slap me across the face, and it finally happened. I reached into the Bag of Fate and pulled the one movie I took a blood oath never to watch again: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that Indiana Jones was my idol growing up. He was so badass fighting Nazis and rocking a five o'clock shadow and pulling hot chicks on all his adventures. Plus his dad was James Bond so that's just icing on the cake, bitch.

So I had mixed feelings when a fourth Indiana Jones was released back in 2008 because I didn't want George Lucas to rape another profitable franchise from my youth, but I gave the movie the benefit of the doubt and attended the midnight showing rocking my fedora and five o'clock shadow. And then I watched a CGI-infested shitfest complete with Shia Ladouche and Russians instead of Nazis...and I was APPALLED!

Here are the top three reasons why this movie sucks ass:

- First of all, Spielberg betrayed his earlier statements and filled the movie with crappy looking CGI effects. Those scorpians weren't really there, but those snakes, bugs, and rats were in the first movie and that's what made them awesome! CGI ruined the new Star Wars trilogy and it took a liquid dump all over Indy, too. I knew I was in trouble the second the movie opened with a CGI praerie dog.

- Next, say what you will about the infamous "Nuking the Fridge" moment, it still wasn't the most ridiculous part of the movie. That distinction goes to the "Shia LaDouche swinging from jungle vines with CGI monkeys" moment, a moment that, even if the rest of the movie had been decent (it wasn't) would have been enough to fart all over the legacy of Indiana Jones.

- Finally, Lucas INSISTING on using aliens...wait, I'm sorry, INTERDIMENSIONAL BEINGS THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALIENS AND FLY AROUND IN ALIEN SPACESHIPS as the central plot point doomed this movie to EPIC FAIL status. I'm sorry, but Indiana Jones and aliens should not mix. Send him after the Fountain of Youth or Noah's Ark or ANYTHING but aliens was just the wrong way to go here. It made the whole thing a cheese-fest instead of an archaelogist adventure.

I thought I might hate this movie less the second go around, but I hated it equally as much as when my heart was originally broken upon viewing the rapedown of my boyhood idol. Fuck you, Steven and George, fuck you hard up your CGI-enhanced asses.

Why I Hate It: CGI everywhere, as far as the eye can see...

Worst Quote:

Indiana : Knowledge was their treasure...their treasure...was knowledge.

Short Circuit (1986)

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm reviewing the greatest love story of our time, Short Circuit. I can't think of anything more pure than the love between a woman and a robot that has miraculously come to life after being struck by lightning.

My favorite part of the movie is the scene beatween Stephanie and Number 5 where they're dancing and it's starting to get weird and you start thinking to yourself, "Are they gonna do it?" It seems like a possibility since Number 5 has a huge metal, wang-like protrusion that looks like it could do some serious damage to Stephanie's vaginal crevice. Number 5's wang makes a black guy's dick look like an Asian guy's dick.

Moving on from the robot on human sexual relations, this movie reeks of the 80's. You've got Steve Guttenburg (who starred in over 70% of all 80's movies) in the lead, accompanied by his buddy, Lt. Harris, as the villain, playing...well, Lt. Harris, a not-that-hot female lead, and a strange "outsider" who knows nothing of the real world and learns how to do three stooges impressions. The MOST 80's part of the movie, however, is the fact that you've got a whiter-than-white guy playing a guy from India in the most stereotypical way possible. You could NOT get away with that kind of racial bullshit in today's PC world. Take THAT, India!

I honestly can't understand why this movie has such a shit rating on IMDB. A 6.2, people? C'mon! This is classic 80's stuff here. Number 5 is fucking hilarious. If nothing else, at least it's better than any of the Twilight movies. BURN!

Why It's Awesome: Basically they took the original Terminator film and made it a comedy. Plus the anticipation of watching Number 5 pound that hippie's hairy bush is worth a watch.

Best Quote:

Ben (speaking of Stephanie): I am thinking she is a virgin...or at least she used to be.

Groundhog Day (1993)

We've survived January's crapapalooza and can now move on to some quality films.

What better way to start than one of my top favorite movies OF ALL TIME. In honor of February 2, this week's movie is Groundhog Day, one of the great PHILosophical comedies in cinematic history.

I could spend this entire entry discussing the quality of the comedic aspects of the film or Murray's spot-on performance as a self-centered weatherman, or the ridiculous quotability factor of the film...but I'm not going to. Instead, I'd much rather talk about the philosophical questions raised by the premise. What would happen if a man was forced to live the same day over and over again for ten years?

The movie portrays the progression most human beings would undergo if they were in the same situation. First you'd be freaked, then you'd become a power-hungry, self-absorbed megalomaniac, then you'd think you were a god and become an immoral sociopath, murdering and stealing and raping at will (they don't cover that stage of the progression too in-depth in the film, then you'd grow tired of the whole thing and try to kill yourself, and finally you'd become a benevolent caretaker to all the inhabitants of your tiny universe/prison.

The final act, although not as entertaining as the second, is by far the most interesting from a philosophical standpoint. Although Phil seems to learn the importance of being kind to others, I think he is at his most immoral at the end of the film because he's come to believe that he is a god. He doesn't help the citizens of Puxatawny because he wants to help them, he helps them because he feels responsible for them. They exist in HIS world and it is his duty to ensure nothing bad happens to any of them. In reality, that last day when he assists nearly everyone in town is his MOST selfish act.

Man, a movie that creates this sort of philosophical conversation MUST be good. Watch it, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: Perhaps the deepest comedy of all time...and, from a screenwriter's point of view, one of the best written scripts of the 90's.

Best Quote:

Phil: Do I have to use the word 'poopie'?