Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

I've decided that I'm just going to review crap all month - total and utter crap. Cinematic diarrhea, if you will. The Room has really set the tone for January and 2011 in general, and, even though it's unlikely anything can top (or bottom?) that rancid sack of buffalo vomit, I'll still hit some major low notes along the way.

Let's head on over to the sci-fi (horror?) section for our next sample of movies gone wrong, Killer Klowns from Outer Space. If this movie has any redeeming quality, it's the fact that it knows that it's crap. It's not trying to be anything but crap. And, at times, it even revels in its own craptitude.

The plot is simple and pretty stupid: Aliens who look like clowns terrorize a small town, kidnapping the locals and placing them in cotton candy cocoons in order to suck their blood through crazy straws. The motivation for the clowns' invasion is never made clear and really, do we even care? They're fucking alien clowns, for Christ's sake! When you've got popcorn guns, balloon dog bloodhounds, and acidic pies, who needs petty things like a plot or character development?

Speaking of the characters, they're awful. The main cast includes a girl who's sole purpose is to fall down and get captured, two guys who want to bang that girl, and then two homosexual brothers (The Terenzi Brothers!) who drive around in an ice cream truck and try to sell ice cream to teenagers having sex in their cars. The alien clowns have deeper characters than most of the humans.

The best (or worst) part of the movie is the end where the cop and the Terenzi Brothers survive the clowns' spaceship exploding by hiding in a clown car that falls hundreds of feet to the earth and then the cop gets out and starts feeling up the chick while the other guy (who is still technically on a date with this girl) just kind of ignores it and you're left to wonder who this girl is going home with or if these two guys are just going to give 'ole Debbie the Chinese finger trap treatment and stuff her harder than a Thanksgiving turkey.

Oh, and just a common sense alert, if the only way to kill the clowns is to blow up their noses, wouldn't the clowns wear some kind of armor or something over their noses to make murdering them more difficult? Maybe I'm thinking too hard for a movie that spells "clowns" with a "k."

Why It's Awful: The Chiodo Brothers (the creators of this hack job) literally just sat in a room and said, "Let's throw together two things people are scared of and make a movie about them. Let's see...how about aliens and...hmm...clowns?" It's the same way Snakes on a Plane got made.

Worst Quote:

Mike Tobacco: (opening a door in the spaceship to reveal another smaller door) Another door! (opens the door to reveal a smaller door) Another door! (Opens the door to reveal a smaller door) Another door! (Opens the door to reveal an even smaller door) Another door!