Mac and Me (1988)

And the crapfest continues...

Ask Paul Rudd what the cheesiest movie of the 80's is and he'll tell you, emphatically, it's easily Mac and Me, an hour and forty minute commercial more so than a feature film.
If you haven't seen this 80's shit stain and you're in to terrible movies, you must. This one is a classic...of awfulness. Basically they take E.T. and copy the script scene-for-scene and just make everything stupid.

Their movie equation is as follows:
Single parent + kid in wheelchair + alien puppet = EPIC FAIL!

This movie is infamous for its blatant product placement and its reputation is well earned. Both the human characters and aliens drink a dozen Cokes throughout the course of the movie and the most mind-blowingly retarded scene takes place at a McDonalds where black people gather and dance in the parking lot (as blacks are wont to do) and then the whites perform perfectly choreographed dances inside with Ronald McDonald...not to mention that the alien's name is MAC (Mysterious Alien Creature, my ass!).

The best part of the movie is the end where the father alien actually murders the kid in the wheelchair after blowing up a grocery store with his gat (I swear I'm not making any of this up). That's right; the alien disarms a security gun, takes his gun, and holds the people in the store hostage until he's supplied with a lifetime supply of Coca-Cola (All right, that's made up). And even though you know the aliens will bring the kid back to life, it's still pretty awesome that the creators actually thought it was a good idea to kill a kid in a wheelchair.

"We'll be back!" No alien puppet family, you won't.

Why It's God-Awful: Take everything you loved about E.T. (which for me was nothing) and replace it with cheap puppets, Coca-Cola, and Ronald McDonald...then take a liquid dump on that and serve it on two slices of dogshit. Tada! Mac and Me a la mode.

Best Quote:
Michael: You know what I feel like?
Eric: A Big Mac?
Michael: The man's psychic!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

I've decided that I'm just going to review crap all month - total and utter crap. Cinematic diarrhea, if you will. The Room has really set the tone for January and 2011 in general, and, even though it's unlikely anything can top (or bottom?) that rancid sack of buffalo vomit, I'll still hit some major low notes along the way.

Let's head on over to the sci-fi (horror?) section for our next sample of movies gone wrong, Killer Klowns from Outer Space. If this movie has any redeeming quality, it's the fact that it knows that it's crap. It's not trying to be anything but crap. And, at times, it even revels in its own craptitude.

The plot is simple and pretty stupid: Aliens who look like clowns terrorize a small town, kidnapping the locals and placing them in cotton candy cocoons in order to suck their blood through crazy straws. The motivation for the clowns' invasion is never made clear and really, do we even care? They're fucking alien clowns, for Christ's sake! When you've got popcorn guns, balloon dog bloodhounds, and acidic pies, who needs petty things like a plot or character development?

Speaking of the characters, they're awful. The main cast includes a girl who's sole purpose is to fall down and get captured, two guys who want to bang that girl, and then two homosexual brothers (The Terenzi Brothers!) who drive around in an ice cream truck and try to sell ice cream to teenagers having sex in their cars. The alien clowns have deeper characters than most of the humans.

The best (or worst) part of the movie is the end where the cop and the Terenzi Brothers survive the clowns' spaceship exploding by hiding in a clown car that falls hundreds of feet to the earth and then the cop gets out and starts feeling up the chick while the other guy (who is still technically on a date with this girl) just kind of ignores it and you're left to wonder who this girl is going home with or if these two guys are just going to give 'ole Debbie the Chinese finger trap treatment and stuff her harder than a Thanksgiving turkey.

Oh, and just a common sense alert, if the only way to kill the clowns is to blow up their noses, wouldn't the clowns wear some kind of armor or something over their noses to make murdering them more difficult? Maybe I'm thinking too hard for a movie that spells "clowns" with a "k."

Why It's Awful: The Chiodo Brothers (the creators of this hack job) literally just sat in a room and said, "Let's throw together two things people are scared of and make a movie about them. Let's see...how about aliens and...hmm...clowns?" It's the same way Snakes on a Plane got made.

Worst Quote:

Mike Tobacco: (opening a door in the spaceship to reveal another smaller door) Another door! (opens the door to reveal a smaller door) Another door! (Opens the door to reveal a smaller door) Another door! (Opens the door to reveal an even smaller door) Another door!

The Room (2003)

Hi doggy!

Let's start 2011 with the best worst movie of the past decade. I'm speaking of course of Tommy Wisaeu's masterpiece of garbage, THE ROOM.

Ever wonder what would happen if one of the Geico cavemen decided to write, star, direct, and produce his own movie even though he had no business doing any of those things? You'd get the most insane, illogical piece of flaming turd of a movie mankind has ever seen. This movie is proof that there is a God and He hates us.

Oh, hi Denny!

This movie is so bad that there are actually midnight screenings of this flick throughout the country (similar to the midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in the past) where the audience throws plastic spoons at the screen and tosses a football around to commemorate the craptitude of the movie. Why's the movie so bad? Well, in addition to the acting, writing, dialogue, character development, directing, special effects, and lighting being just absolutely THE WORST, the plot makes absolutely zero sense. Here are some highlights that actually need to be seen to understand just how illogical this movie truly is:

- There's a greeting every two minutes, sometimes in the middle of other, more important lines ("I did not hit her. It's bullshit. I did not hit her - oh, hi Mark!").

- In the first ten minutes of the movie, there are two sex scenes before any semblance of a plot are even hinted at.

- The set includes framed pictures of spoons, which are never explained or even acknowledged.

- There's a random scene where four guys put on tuxedos and throw a football around while they stand three feet away from one another. It has no significance or meaning.

- At one point one character tries to murder another by throwing the guy off the roof. Afterwards, neither one seems to care that this just happened, not even the intended victim.

- Near the end of the movie, one of the major characters simply disappears and his lines are given to a random person we've never seen before.

- Multiple subplots are introduced and then forgotten immediately. These include Denny, a strange man-child, being threatened by a drug dealer who loaned drugs to Denny (Who the hell loans out drugs on credit?), Lisa's mother being diagnosed with breast cancer, and Lisa telling Johney she's pregnant "just to make things interesting" (whatever the fuck THAT is supposed to mean).

- Juliette Daniel's nipples actually spend more time on the screen than most of the main characters.

My head hurts just remembering all the stupidity this movie introduced to the world. This movie makes The Human Centipede look like Citizen Kane. The Room stands as proof that anybody - and I mean any fucking brain dead retard who can't even speak English - can make a movie. In the words of Biff Tannen..."I just wanna say one thing...God bless America."

Oh, hi Mark!

Why It's Awful: It does everything WRONG in the most wrong ways possible. It sits alongside Troll 2 and Surf Nazis Must Die as the absolute worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Well done, Tommy Wiseau. You're in wonderful company.

Worst Quote:

Let's stick with the now infamous, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!!!"