L.A. Confidential (1997)

Wow. What a great movie.

Unfortunately L.A. Confidential debuted in 1997, the year James Cameron ruined the film industry with that boat movie, and it never received the attention it deserved (the Oscar for best film) and even now, it's largely forgotten when people discuss the best movies of the 90s.

The movie takes place in the 50s when police in LA just walked around beating the shit out of people, toting shotguns, getting drunk on duty, and blamed all the crimes on blacks and Mexicans...well, technically I guess that could be any decade but in the 50s no one cried about it. The movie revolves around a mass murder at a cafe involving an ex-cop, Hollywood prostitution, and police corruption and explores the idea of how far you can go in the name of justice before becoming the monster you were trying to protect the public from.

The cast is unbelievable. You could never get the three main actors in the same movie today...mainly because Russell Crowe would beat the shit out of the other two. Guy Pearce (of Momento fame) plays Ed Exley, a young cop with a strong sense of morality climbing the ranks of the police force. The always amazing Kevin Spacey (How good was this guy in the 90s?) plays Detective Jack Vincennes, a sleazy cop more interested in getting his picture taken than upholding the law. And finally we have the angriest man in Hollywood, Russell Crowe, playing Bud White, a pissed off musclehead cop with a special penchant for whipping ass...so basically he's playing himself.

The supporting cast is just as solid with Danny DeVito, James Cromwell (in a role far removed from his Babe role), and a very hot Kim Basinger all lending their talents to the film.

The movie is violent, sexy, and reveals Los Angeles for the cesspool of crime, drugs, corruption, and prostitution that it is. The acting is solid all around and all the characters are flawed in interesting ways. It's the kind of solid historical crime drama that was abundant in the late 90s but in short supply nowadays. If only Russell Crowe hadn't gotten so fat...

Why It's Awesome: The movie makes you think about the time period when cops pretty much did whatever they wanted in the name of justice. I'm sure a lot more innocent people were arrested and killed but justice was more immediate and remained protected from red tape and the flawed court systems. Was it better? Those are the kinds of questions that great films make us ask.
Best Quote:
Bud White: What do I get if I give you your balls back, you wop cocksucker? (Now that's a cop!)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

The 2012 summer movie season is well upon us with Hollywood blockbusters being shoved down our throats faster than a fat guy inhaling crab legs at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Looking back at last summer's movie buffet, the best movie of the crap paraded out was surprisingly, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which was a surprise considering how much it had working against it:

1) It's a remake and a reboot (which are almost exclusively craptactular)
2) It relies heavily on CGI
3) Its main human star is James Franco

But it takes all those items that should have been detriments and turns them into positives. Yes, it's a reboot, but the story focuses on in-depth character development (of a genetically-mutated ape, no less) and ties into the original series with subtle allusions that never detract from the movie's story or pound us over the head screaming, "THIS IS A PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE!"

All the apes are CGI, which would usually be an instant boner-killer for me, but this is the kind of movie that couldn't be made without CGI. Humans in costumes would look silly and there's no way you could get actual apes to express the kinds of complex emotions and intelligent thought that Caesar is capable of. Plus this is one of those rare occasions where puppets are not the best way to go. The CGI certainly doesn't look perfect (it never does) but the story is good enough that you get lost in it and don't care, which is how it should be.

Yes, James Franco does star in the movie, but he's certainly not the movie's main character. In fact, Franco, mercifully, appears in the latter half of the film only sparingly (he's awful in this by the way). No, top billing goes to Andy Serkis, who portrays (through motion-capture tech) Caesar, the revolutionary monkey, and, in doing so, makes this the first live-action film to focus on a CGI main character. Caesar is more sympathetic and interesting than any human character in any film I saw last year. How Serkis does not have an Oscar is beyond me. He should have one for playing Gollum and he should have at least been nominated here as well.

It's the writing that really makes this the best movie of last summer. The rise of the apes parallels the rise of the slaves in the south and you want them to be victorious over the humans. You feel bad for them and the humans come across as real assholes. The movie does an excellent job of explaining how apes can defeat humans who are armed with guns and set in motion the events that will eventually lead to apes becoming the dominant species on the planet.

The only flaw is the ending in which James Franco does not die, thus making it possible for him to reappear in the unavoidable sequel. Damn you, stinking dirty James Franco! Damn you!

Why It's Awesome: This movie stands as proof that CGI does not a good movie make (Did you hear that George Lucas?). The basis of film has always been and will always be storytelling and filmmakers need to accept that fact that CGI is meant to enhance a story, not replace it.

Best Quote:

Dodge Landon: (channeling Charlton Heston) Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

What can one say about one of the greatest films ever made?

The opening scene with Indy and Dr. Octopus traversing the booby-trapped cave in their attempt to retrieve the golden idol alone is better than most feature-length films. Then you've got the market place stunt-palooza, the Well of Souls sequence, the fist fight with the German around the spinning airplane, the Jeep chase, and the best claymation-exploding-head sequence ever filmed!

Instead of pointing out the awesomeness of everything that is so obviously awesome, I'd rather discuss what makes Indiana Jones the single greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!). Check that. What I really want to talk about is why Indiana Jones makes all modern film heroes look like total pussies.

First of all, Indiana Jones is a man. That sounds simplistic, but there's a big difference between an 80s film man and an oughts film man. Indiana Jones liked to do two things: fight and fuck (not particularly in that order). The problem with modern film heroes is that now they have to be all deep or emotionally-damaged or suffer from some haunted past, but all it does is make them come across as emo bitch boys.

The only emotion a true man should ever feel is horniness.

This bitch boy movement is perfectly illustrated by comparing early James Bond (Sean Connery) to contemporary James Bond (Daniel Craig). Early James Bond was suave, he was witty, he could throw down, he had cool lasers and shit, and he was a walking hard-on. Modern James Bond is all brooding and dark and needs a shitload of therapy. I don't care if he's more like the character in the book or more "fully realized." I don't need him to be "fully realized" to enjoy watching him kick ass for an hour-and-a-half (See also modern Batman).

Next, Indiana Jones is many things, but one thing he is not is an asshole. Modern heroes are huge douchebags. Take Tony Stark of Iron Man fame. Stark comes across as a total asshole, but he's funny so people like him. Why do people like assholes?

Jones and Bond, like Stark, are both confident womanizers, but they never come across as assholes. They're both guys who are going to get the job done by any means necessary and they're always fighting for some greater purpose, never for their own glorification. I think as society has become more self-centered and selfish, that idea of someone who fights for something larger than themselves has gone the way of the dodo...which is sad.

Finally, Indiana Jones has that Everyman quality to him that truly separates him from other heroes of the era. He's not as over-the-top as Arnold. Sure he fights the entire Nazi army by himself, but before he manages to claim the ark he's buried alive with snakes, beaten up by a Nazi twice his size, shot, thrown through a windshield, and dragged behind a moving vehicle at high speeds whereas Arnold kills people without even firing his gun (Commando, anyone?). Indiana Jones is just a normal guy who knows how to get the job done without his hat ever falling off!

The only thing Indiana Jones ever failed at was fathering Shia LaDouche.

BURN!

Wedding Crashers (2005)

This is a tough one for me. Wedding Crashers starts out as another raunchy frat pack comedy in the same vein as 40-Year-Old Virgin, but then midway through it transforms into a sopping wet bitch of a romantic comedy.

It's strange. You have to watch it a couple times before you even realize the 180 the movie takes. The movie opens strong. In the first ten minutes there's a montage full of breasts! That's awesome. You assume that HAS to be the start of nothing but good things. Even the premise makes you feel pretty safe in the fact that you won't have to feel any real emotions for an hour-and-a-half. Two guys crash weddings in an attempt to hook up with hot chicks? They certainly can't screw that up...

The leads are solid. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the perfect pair to pull off the premise. They get help from Christopher Walken and a cameo by Will Ferrell (who contributes to the funniest ten minutes of the movie). The dark horse here is Bradley Cooper, who wasn't well known when the film came out in 2005, but the guy plays the PERFECT dickhead boyfriend. McAdams and Fisher are great, too.

Maybe there just wasn't enough juice in the premise to pull off a feature length film, but, as soon as they get to the Cleary's house after the senator's daughter's wedding, the sappiness creeps in. It's never a full breach, but it's noticeable. It's a funny movie, don't get me wrong, but Owen's turn to the Pussy Side kind of drops it a few notches on the awesomeness scale. Plus the Dark Night of the Soul section of the film is way, way too dark for a comedy. They've got Owen laid up in his home reading books on suicide. Too much, man.

I guess my real beef with the film is the premise itself. Who would bother to go to all the trouble of crashing weddings when you can just go to a bar and pick up drunk chicks? Weddings are THE WORST! The food is always undercooked or cold and then you've got some asshole DJ trying to force you to have a good time when all you want to do is fill up at the taco bar and go home. Then you gotta sit through the painful wedding rituals like the bouquet toss and the garter and the cutting of the stupid cake that is never as good as it looks like it's gonna be and the entire time you're thinking to yourself, "How soon can I leave without looking like a total asshole?"

God I hate weddings...

Why It's (for the most part) Awesome: In spite of my issues with the premise and the head dive into vagina country, it's still a pretty funny flick. Isla Fisher's crazy virgin act? WIN! The creepy gay brother? WIN! The night rape scene? WIN! Christopher Walken? FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Best Quote:

Chazz: MA! MEATLOAF!

Dead Man on Campus (1998)

The cover of this movie says that it’s the best college comedy since Animal House. One word: FALSE! That honor would go to Old School. Is this the best college comedy you can watch on television on a rainy Sunday afternoon? No, probably not, but it’s still worth watching if there’s nothing better on for one reason…ZACK MORRIS!

In this movie Zack Morris and some other douche are roommates in college who spend their days drinking and smoking and generally not studying. When they discover they’re on the verge of getting kicked out of school, they plan on taking advantage of a loophole in the college charter that states that anyone whose roommate commits suicide gets straight A’s. So they venture out to find the most suicidal student on campus to move in with them and boost their GPAs.

The humor is something most people might find hilarious only if they’re really, really high, but some of it is actually pretty funny. Lochlyn Munro steals the show with his insane frat boy, Cliff (“Do you ever get horny?”) with his couch humping and weird interior mouth licking. Actually, all the roommates are pretty funny. In addition to Cliff, there’s also the paranoid roommate who thinks Bill Gates is trying to steal his brain and the suicidal rocker and lead singer of Kiss My Ass who turns out not only to be NOT suicidal but not even British!

The supporting cast definitely outshines Zack Morris and that other dude. My favorite part about watching this movie in 2K12 is that Marshall and Lilly of How I Met Your Mother fame round out the supporting cast. Actually, if you replace Zack Morris’ s roommate, Josh, with Barney and Poppy “I never forget anything” Montgomery with Kelly Kapowski, this might actually be a pretty decent flick.
My words are my sperm/spewing forth my tragic germ…

Why It's Not so Awesome: If I had to choose a subject to NOT make a comedy about, suicide would be in the top three. I hope there's a sequel where Josh and Cooper sponsor a girl who wants to get an abortion or where they pretend to have AIDS for some kind of scholarship because those are also awesome subjects for a comedy.

Best Quote:

Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?
Cooper: Depends where you're going with this.

Swingers (1996)

Contrary to what the title may lead you to believe, this is not a porn...

Swingers represents one of those rare low-budget movies that gains cult status mainly through its snappy dialogue and tools have been talking like Vince Vaughn ever since. "You're so money, baby!"

The script is based off of Jon Favreau's real life experiences acting like a total bitch after breaking up with his girlfriend and moving from New York to LA. His real life friends, Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston (of Office Space fame), play his film friends who attempt to get him laid and convince him to quit being such a pussy...to no avail.

The cast is amazing sans Favreau. Favreau belongs behind the camera. His few leading roles have all been epic fails and this one is no exception. He's just too whiny and unlikable and ugly to gain any kind of real sympathy. He just comes off as pathetic. Vaughn only has a career because of this role (he also did his best acting in this film, ironically, playing himself). He was so money he didn't even know how money he was! And Livingston is serviceable doing his underwhelming Average Joe routine.

If this movie proves anything, it's that smart writing will make up for a lack of funds and big budgets don't make great films. The writing (where Favreau DOES shine) makes this movie the classic it has become. There are so many money shots which don't even know how money they are:

- The opening Vegas scene where Mike and Trent are all jacked to go to Vegas but it takes forever to get there and then, when they finally do, it sucks...because that's what a trip to Vegas is actually like!

- The scene where Trent and Sue play SEGA hockey is the single most authentic male bonding scene ever filmed...ever. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here."

- The scene at the bar where the guys are talking about how long one should wait before calling a potential bang partner is another truly authentic view into the male psyche. "Two days is like industry standard."

- The answering machine conversation scene is downright painful to watch, but anyone who's ever said anything stupid and botched a bang attempt can certainly relate.

- There's also this great underrated scene where Mike and Rob are discussing Mike's past relationship while they play chip and putt (and quite poorly, I might add). I don't know why, but I think that's my favorite scene because they literally could have had the guys doing anything during that scene, but having them play chip and putt was MONEY!

Another mark of a great film is that it references other great films. Swingers pays homage to Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs, another low-budget masterpiece. The first time I saw that slow motion walking scene, ala Reservoir Dogs, I nearly pissed my pants.

If I had to choose one word to describe this movie, it would certainly be...excellent...wait, no! IT'S MONEY!

Why It's Awesome: This movie is a slap in the face to big budget fart stains like Avatar. It's just a couple of guys fucking around and trying to get laid. It was made for pocket change, and it's better than anything James Cameron will ever make.

Best Quote:

Trent: You're so money you don't even know how money you are!

The NeverEndng Story (1984)

Children's movies in the 80s kicked so much ass. They didn't treat kids like fragile pussies like today's kid movies. The NeverEnding Story is another pre-CGI children's movie in the same vein as Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal that made use of puppets and make-up to create elaborate fantasy creatures and characters instead of having a computer destroy the last remnants of imagination.

TNES is a movie about the importance of books...which doesn't make any sense. A loser kid who is constantly bullied jacks a book from an old man who hates children The book is about a magical world called Fantasia that is being wiped out by Global Warming, but they don't call it that; they call it "The Nothing." A young boy warrior must go on a quest to save the life of the Child-like Empress, the only person who can save Fantasia, but none of the pharmacies will take his insurance so she's fucked.

The reason I hold this film in such high regard is that it contains the single saddest scene ever filmed...EVER. Remember how you felt when Mufasa died in Lion King? Well imagine you're watching that scene and simultaneously being told your entire family has died in a horrible plane crash...and that you have AIDS.

Of course I speak of the infamous Artex death scene in The Swamp of Sadness. Atreyu, our boy warrior, is trying to pass through the swamp with his beloved horse, Artex, and the horse goes all emo on him. As everyone knows, the Swamp of Sadness swallows anyone who allows his despair to overwhelm him and this horse starts sinking into the swamp and Atreyu is screaming and pleading for him to move, to fight, to overcome his sadness and not to leave him. Then the camera cuts away. When it returns, the horse is gone and Atreyu is bawling in the swamp - alone.

The best part is that this all happens in the first 20 minutes of the film! It's like, "Hey, welcome to our movie. Oh, by the way, THIS KID'S HORSE IS TOTALLY DEAD!" I've included the scene below for your enjoyment.

That's not the only downer in the film, either. There's the Rockbiter's epically depressing speech about how he wasn't strong enough to save his friends from oblivion ("They look like strong hands...don't they?") and then, oh yeah, the entire world ends and everyone dies! How do you like them apples, kids?!

Honestly, this movie is ludicrously depressing so don't show it to your 21st Century child or else its fragile mind will cave in on itself and the kid will wet its bed until the age of fifteen. Just stick with your happy horseshit animated flicks and tell your kid that the world is full of rainbows and hugs...UNTIL YOUR HORSE SINKS INTO A SWAMP AND DIES!

Welcome to reality, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: It's like a more German version of Lord of the Rings without all the midgets. There's a rock-eating giant and an Oracle with boobs and a racing snail and a bitchy turtle and a philosophical werewolf. And who wouldn't want to ride that white dragon/dog around?

Best Quote:

G'Mork (the philosophical werewolf): Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!