Jingle All the Way (1996)

When people talk about classic Christmas movies, they always mention film like Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'd like to add another film to the conversation: the holiday classic, Jingle All the Way starring Aaaarnold Schwarzenegger and (sigh...) Sinbad.

Now, on the surface, this movie may just appear to be another holiday cash-in with a nonsensical plot, atrocious acting, horrendous slapstick humor, and the stupid kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, but in actuality it's a deep allegory attacking the corrupt materialistic nature of our modern-day society. Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

Jingle All the Way is about a work-obsessed father (Arnold) who forgets to buy his son the must-have gift of the holiday season (Turbo Man). So Arnold has to venture out on Christmas Eve to battle the hordes of shoppers for the one toy that will cancel out an entire year of neglect and win his son's love. Standing between him and his son's affection is a psychotic mailman (the master thespian, Sinbad) who challenges Arnold at every opportunity.

A n00b may look at this film as just another Arnold comedy abortion (Junior, anyone?), but the goal was to critique society as much as it was to display Arnold and Sinbad's masterful acting chops. Arnold represents the modern father, more interested in working ("You're my number one customer!") than connecting with his child. He believes that buying his son a favorite toy will make his child believe he is a good father. Thus, things = love. Instead of spending Christmas Eve with his family, making memories and enjoying each other's company, Arnold spends the entire day doing battle in the coliseum of commercialism. This is what love has become in our modern society.

Phil Hartman, the creepy divorced neighbor who wants to bang Arnold's wife (which is ballsy) represents the protagonist's foil. Unlike Arnold, he is a stay-at-home dad type who bakes cookies, shares recipes, shops early, and rents reindeer (What?). But although it seems like this arch-type represents a better example of what it means to be a father, he is just as flawed as Arnold's workaholic stereotype. His motives are flawed. He only does these things as a means to banging the neighborhood women. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. His "good dad" façade is a means to meet is most base desires. For him, pussy = love.

Thus, Jingle All the Way is not just another holiday slapstick comedy but a critique of what it means to be a father in a society where things = love and we weigh our self-value based on the things we own or the women we've conquered. All this and Sinbad! What more could someone want for the holidays?

Why It's Better Than You Thought:

An existential critique of what it means to be a father in a society that continues to symbolically castrate males as gender roles continue to blur. Arnold and Sinbad hold up a mirror to society and reflect our foibles and weaknesses right back at us. That's deep...

Best Quote:

Sinbad: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!