Sharknado (2013)

Sometimes two ideas come together to create the perfect storm...or in this case, a SHARKNADO!

Sharks + Tornado = SHARKNADO!!!

I don't have cable and I rarely miss it, but one channel I do miss having is the wonderfully cheesy SyFy channel (What the hell is with that spelling, by the way?). And the main reason for my regret are movies like Sharknado. I'm not sure why people don't understand this, but Sharknado is not meant to be a "good" movie. It's a purposely "bad" movie. It's supposed to be an entertaining bad movie where viewers enjoy how horrible it is (about 75% of bad movies involve sharks in some way, shape, or form). So saying things like "It was horrible" is actually a compliment.

Now Sharknado has gotten the most press of any "bad" movie in the history of bad movies. It actually made the mainstream news. But, as a bad movie aficionado (I would rather watch a great bad movie than a great good movie) I will be the judge of whether or not it's worth the attention. So...is it? The answer...is no. It's a good bad movie, but it's not bad enough to be a great bad movie.

As far as casting goes, they nailed it. The movie stars Ian Ziering who was a B-squad member of the original 90210 cast and Tara Reid (who used to be in legitimate movies) and then a bunch of horrible actors. By the way, Tara Reid does NOTHING in this movie...nothing. They could replace her with a blow-up doll and it would make absolutely NO difference. Tara's acting is as realistic as the sharks...which look god-awful!

The plot is perfect, too. Hurricanes off the coast of LA are forming tornadoes that are picking up man-eating sharks and throwing them all over the city. The key to a good bad movie is to have a ridiculous concept but then play it completely straight. The plot of Sharknado makes sense...until it doesn't. During the Sharknado, Ian ventures through the shark-infested streets to save his estranged children. That part makes sense.

The part that doesn't make sense is after he saves his children, they then feel obligated to STOP THE SHARKNADOES...which crosses the line from stupid to retarded. If a tornado breaks out, no one feels compelled to stop it. You just hunker down and wait it out. Not so here. In this case, Ian's son and his hot slut bartender (who transitions from liking him to liking his son by the end of the movie...what?) decide to stop the sharknados by...(wait for it)...dropping bombs into the funnels. That's right, they BLOW UP THE SHARNADOS! That's bad movie logic for you.

The ending does produce an epic bad movie moment, however, one that will live in infamy in the annals of bad movie history. After blowing up the final sharknado, a giant shark flies through the air at Ian Zeiring (who is conveniently holding a chainsaw). It swallows him whole and then Ian cuts his way out with the chainsaw...EPIC!

So it sounds like a good bad movie, but here's the catch-22 of bad movies. Bad movies are like insane people. Truly insane people don't know that they're insane. Likewise, you can't set out to make a bad movie; the best bad movies are movies made that are meant to be good. As much press as Sharknado received, it isn't even close to being in the bottom five of worst bad movies. It's not even in the same league as classics like Troll 2, Birdemic, or The Room. Hell, I think Sharktopus was a better bad movie.

Still, I'll be looking forward to the sequel: Sharknado 2: The Second One. Maybe it will be worse...which would make it much better.

Why It's Awful:

First of all, why are only sharks in the tornados? If the tornados are strong enough to pick up marine life, shouldn't there be other sea creatures in the funnels? And why are the sharks so aggressive? Wouldn't they be scared or confused? And does Tara Reid have a soul? Or was that removed when she had her breasts done?

Best Quote:

Baz [looking at a pool of water red with blood]: Looks like it's that time of the month!