Bladerunner (1982)

Sci-fi is usually a popcorn flick genre. What sets Blade Runner apart from every single other sci-fi movie ever made (and that is not an exaggeration) is that it is DEEP. This future noire movie is less about robots and a dystopian world as it is about life and death and deep questions like "What does it mean to be human?" and "What happens to us when we die?"

In the year 2019, most humans have moved off-planet to colony planets where replicants (basically humanoid androids) wait on their human masters. Six replicants escape a colony and illegally return to earth (where everything is dirty and shitty). A retired blade runner (a cop who hunts replicants) named Deckard is thrown back into the fray and ordered to hunt down and eliminate the renegade robots.

This could have just been a standard man vs. machine sci-fi romp, but there's a reason it's a cult classic. The humans in the movie are presented as being uncaring, mechanical beings while the replicants are loving, emotional beings obsessed with their own self-preservation. The replicants are built with only a four-year lifespan and emotions and memories so they break into their creator's home and beg him for longer lifespans. When he's not into it, the head replicant straight-up murders his ass and delivers a philosophical diatribe in the climactic final battle with Deckard.

This is a far cry from his Indiana Jones character for Harrison Ford. Whereas IJ is a badass pimp, Decker is a tired, emo bitch. He spends the entire movie getting his ass kicked by the replicants. Ford is certainly serviceable in the role, but the real star of the film is Rutger Hauer in his role as the head replicant, Roy Batty. The character's motivation is simple: he wants to live. There is no more basic or relatable issue.

The thing everyone talks about with Blade Runner is the ambiguous ending and the question, Is Deckard a replicant? The answer is...he was not. Ridley Scott can try to retcon the ending all he wants, but it doesn't make any sense if Deckard is a replicant. First of all, it totally ruins the whole man vs. machine theme. But here's the real smoking gun: Deckard...is a sopping wet pussy. All the replicants are super fast and super agile and super strong. Deckard is a super puss. He gets beat down the entire movie. If he was a replicant, he'd be a total BA...not a chump. Controversy resolved.

This really is one of those films that any respectable cinephile must see. This is sci-fi as art. This is on par with the original Aliens (although good for totally different reasons) in terms of quality. It asks important questions. The special effects are amazing but don't try to overshadow the story or the acting. It's a GOOD movie. Wish they made more of those these days...

Why It's Awesome:

A shitty future. Robots. Product placement. It seems like a dozen other sci-fi movies, but this one is better. Trust me.

Best Quote:

Batty: All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Sharknado (2013)

Sometimes two ideas come together to create the perfect storm...or in this case, a SHARKNADO!

Sharks + Tornado = SHARKNADO!!!

I don't have cable and I rarely miss it, but one channel I do miss having is the wonderfully cheesy SyFy channel (What the hell is with that spelling, by the way?). And the main reason for my regret are movies like Sharknado. I'm not sure why people don't understand this, but Sharknado is not meant to be a "good" movie. It's a purposely "bad" movie. It's supposed to be an entertaining bad movie where viewers enjoy how horrible it is (about 75% of bad movies involve sharks in some way, shape, or form). So saying things like "It was horrible" is actually a compliment.

Now Sharknado has gotten the most press of any "bad" movie in the history of bad movies. It actually made the mainstream news. But, as a bad movie aficionado (I would rather watch a great bad movie than a great good movie) I will be the judge of whether or not it's worth the attention. So...is it? The answer...is no. It's a good bad movie, but it's not bad enough to be a great bad movie.

As far as casting goes, they nailed it. The movie stars Ian Ziering who was a B-squad member of the original 90210 cast and Tara Reid (who used to be in legitimate movies) and then a bunch of horrible actors. By the way, Tara Reid does NOTHING in this movie...nothing. They could replace her with a blow-up doll and it would make absolutely NO difference. Tara's acting is as realistic as the sharks...which look god-awful!

The plot is perfect, too. Hurricanes off the coast of LA are forming tornadoes that are picking up man-eating sharks and throwing them all over the city. The key to a good bad movie is to have a ridiculous concept but then play it completely straight. The plot of Sharknado makes sense...until it doesn't. During the Sharknado, Ian ventures through the shark-infested streets to save his estranged children. That part makes sense.

The part that doesn't make sense is after he saves his children, they then feel obligated to STOP THE SHARKNADOES...which crosses the line from stupid to retarded. If a tornado breaks out, no one feels compelled to stop it. You just hunker down and wait it out. Not so here. In this case, Ian's son and his hot slut bartender (who transitions from liking him to liking his son by the end of the movie...what?) decide to stop the sharknados by...(wait for it)...dropping bombs into the funnels. That's right, they BLOW UP THE SHARNADOS! That's bad movie logic for you.

The ending does produce an epic bad movie moment, however, one that will live in infamy in the annals of bad movie history. After blowing up the final sharknado, a giant shark flies through the air at Ian Zeiring (who is conveniently holding a chainsaw). It swallows him whole and then Ian cuts his way out with the chainsaw...EPIC!

So it sounds like a good bad movie, but here's the catch-22 of bad movies. Bad movies are like insane people. Truly insane people don't know that they're insane. Likewise, you can't set out to make a bad movie; the best bad movies are movies made that are meant to be good. As much press as Sharknado received, it isn't even close to being in the bottom five of worst bad movies. It's not even in the same league as classics like Troll 2, Birdemic, or The Room. Hell, I think Sharktopus was a better bad movie.

Still, I'll be looking forward to the sequel: Sharknado 2: The Second One. Maybe it will be worse...which would make it much better.

Why It's Awful:

First of all, why are only sharks in the tornados? If the tornados are strong enough to pick up marine life, shouldn't there be other sea creatures in the funnels? And why are the sharks so aggressive? Wouldn't they be scared or confused? And does Tara Reid have a soul? Or was that removed when she had her breasts done?

Best Quote:

Baz [looking at a pool of water red with blood]: Looks like it's that time of the month!

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

All the best movies about life as a teenager in high school were made in the 80s. Most people will claim The Breakfast Club is he pinnacle of the genre, but, to me, it's a two-horse race. Although The Breakfast Club is a better movie, in my humble opinion Fast Times at Ridgemont High captures what it means to be a teenager in real life better than any other movie ever made.

Here's why I give it the nod over "Da Club." Whereas Breakfast Club depicts something that would never happen in real life (members of different social cliques coming together to discover a mutual understanding), Fast Times is just incoherent, random nonsense full of humor and frontal nudity...and that's EXACTLY what being a teenager is all about.

There's a couple intertwining storylines going on here:

There's Brad Hamilton, a senior who has it made in the shade - girlfriend, a sweet job, and even a car. Then he gets fired, loses his girlfriend, and gets caught whacking it by the girl whom he's whacking it, too...the worst scenario possible.

There's Brad's younger sister, Stacy, a sophomore who takes whoring lessons from her older friend, Linda (the hot, hot, hot Phoebe Cates) who ends up getting pregnant and gets an abortion from a drive-thru clinic...thus learning nothing about the dangers of whoring around.

There's Mark Ratner who has a boner for Stacy, but she's about the only guy she isn't banging. He gets advice from his friend, Damone (a premature ejaculator), who ends up banging and knocking up Stacy instead.

Oh, and then there's legendary Jeff Spicoli, a surfer stoner who has a year-long grudge with his history teacher, the also legendary Mr. Hand.

The film covers a lot of ground including such hot teenage topics as losing one's virginity, dating, battling teachers, shitty high school jobs, getting into fights with friends, getting stoned, and abortion. There's really no point to the movie...which is the best statement there could be about being a teenager.

I realized I had never seen this movie other than the edited television version when I watched it on DVD and got drenched in the torrential downpour of nudity. I've always been aware of the infamous Phoebe Cates fantasy sequence (a boner jam worthy scene if there ever was one), but that Stacy chick is naked throughout the ENTIRE movie. Full frontal, too.

Man, I miss being a teenager...

Why It's Awesome:

The inane hodge-podge of teenage stories captures the true pointlessness of being a teenager...even BETTER than any John Hughes movie.

Best Quote:

Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.