Friday the 13th (1980)

This month I'm reviewing classic horror movies in honor of Halloween.

We start with my least favorite of "The Big Three." The original Friday the 13th was never meant to give birth to 11 sequels (if you count the abortion, Jason X, and the mash-up Jason vs. Freddy). And like most horror series, the original is the BEST movie in the entire series. And guess what? Jason isn't even in the damn thing (or at least not as the hockey mask wearing serial killer we've all come to know and love).

Here's the story that any respectable horror fan already knows: a group of horny teenagers go to Crystal Lake to get the camp ready for the summer. The camp has had a string of bad luck over the years, including the death of a retarded kid named Jason who drowned in the lake while the counselors were totally doing it (everyone has their priorities). Jason's mom goes crazy and kills all the kids.

The thing that late 70s and early 80s movies did so right was atmosphere. The shitty resolution of the cameras actually helped to make the movie feel more real. The wooden acting made viewers think that any of us could be the good-looking kids getting hunted down at the camp in our underwear. And the music? Classic! The first-person kill perspective added a mystery element to the usual slasher formula, and, man, what a reveal! The killer is actually a crusty, old woman. What a twist! That's way scarier than a goon in a hockey mask. She'll play bingo, watch Murder She Wrote, and then slit your throat with a machete. Badass!

The kills in the original are basic and effective. There's some throat slashing, axes to the face, an archery range accident, and (my favorite) the 'ole arrow through Kevin Bacon's throat. They don't have to be fancy because it's not just about the kills. It's about suspense and building tension and atmosphere. Everything has to be so fucking fancy and over-the-top and complicated now because people are so desensitized to violence. That's why all these remakes fail. Jason can't shock us anymore. How many times can we watch a guy impale someone with a machete before we just don't care anymore? (Answer: three).

Here's the real question, though: If Jason died as a child, how does he grow into a huge, hulking beast adult serial killer? It doesn't make any sense. The second film tries to retcon the story and say Jason never died, but then why would Mrs. Voorhees be insane? Jason doesn't make any sense. And how can he catch up with his victims when they're running full-speed and he's meandering slowly after them? Can he teleport or something? And why doesn't he run? Is he a Romero zombie? I guess that's the problem I always had with the Jason series: it was just dumb. The first movie, though, was not. It's just a shame that everything that came after he original was mindless drivel.

Why It's Awesome: Some old bitch kills off a bunch of kids to avenge her retard kid who can't swim that well. If she just would have bought Jason some arm floaties, the whole mess could have been avoided.

Best Quote:

CHI CHI CHI HA HA HA! (It's supposed to be the Jason music)