Carrie (1976)

Carrie is the latest movie that was done well the first time that filmmakers have decided would be best to add shitty CGI effects to and roll out a much lousier version to a modern-day audience.

The first movie is great. It's got that 70's grittiness to it. Sissy Spacek looks like an ugly loser who bitchier girls would throw tampons at. She looks the part (although she doesn't look too bad sitting naked in that tub). And the woman who plays Carrie's mother? Oh my God! That woman is AMAZING! She looks absolutely loony tune insaaaaaaaaane! It looks like they dragged that woman out of an insane asylum and told her she was going to be in a major motion picture. And I don't know who found that creepy Jesus-with-an-afro they use in the movie, but holy shit! Give that man a raise!

The original does all the small things right. The house where the Whites live? Dilapidated and shitty. The music? Creepy and moody. The nudity? Plentiful! In fact, Knocked Up identifies this film as one of he rare films that include opening credit boobs and bush. That's amazing - but appropriate. If we're panning through a girls' locker room, I better see some girls comparing breast size and grooming each other's pubes. That's a true reflection of reality.

The new version? Oh please, where do I even begin? First of all, the chick who ruined Let The Right One In (watch the foreign Norwegian version or whatever it is) was cast as Carrie, and she isn't even ugly! She's the hottest chick in the whole movie! How is that supposed to work? Then they cast Julianne Moore as Mrs. White. FAIL! They tried to make her ugly, too, and totally failed. She just looks like she's acting crazy...not the same. But here's the most disturbing statistics:

# of vaginas = 0
# of breasts = 0

Zero! How can I watch a movie where the opening scene takes place in a girls' locker room and see ZERO lady bits?! That's bullshit!

You would think that with all the CGI updates, the epic prom scene would be much better in the 2k13 version of the film, but it's not. It looks cheesy and it's way too over-the-top (Carrie in this version is not only telekinetic but a full X-Man who can solder with her mind, fly, and predict the sex of unborn babies). I was hoping to see Carrie destroy the entire town like she does in the book, but the new version failed to improve on anything the original did.

The original is superior in every single way, even with bullying being such a huge issue in the news today. This story should touch a nerve with modern movie-goers, but that won't happen with a mediocre movie that basically just remakes the previous movie scene-by-scene. Plus, where the hell was John Travolta?

Why It's Awesome:

Whether it's the original or the lame remake, the message is clear: Be careful who you mess with because that person may have telekinetic powers who will burn your fuckin' school to the ground.

Best Quote:

Mrs. White: I can see your dirty pillows.