Halloween (1978)

The scariest Halloween movie ever made is...you guessed it...HALLOWEEN!

Without Halloween, there is no Jason or Freddy or any of the other dozen of slashers that would follow in the footsteps of the one true psychotic silent murderer, Michael Myers! John Carpenter's low-budget masterpiece spread its legs and gave birth to the entire genre. And even 30 years later with dozens of sequels and remakes under its belt, the original is STILL one of the scariest movies ever made.

I can't overemphasis how little money was used to create this horror masterpiece. I think the total budget was a little over $12. Jamie Lee Curtis was an unknown at the time and worked for a case of Activia while the now iconic Michael Myers mask was a $2 William Shatner mask that the crew bought and painted white and dyed the hair (which makes William Shatner the father of modern horror...who knew, right?). It just goes to show that you can make a quality film without a billion-dollar budget and all the latest special effects (I'm looking at you Avengers and Avatar).

I've mentioned this before with some of the other horror classics, but what separates Halloween from the turd sandwich horror movies made in the modern era is the mood. It possesses a quality that no modern movie has: patience. The body count is miniscule by today's standards. The deaths are simple and unimaginative. There's barely any blood or gore at all. And yet it's STILL scary as hell. Carpenter does the subtle things so well. The movement of shadows on the wall, the rise and fall of the music as a character crosses a deserted street. You feel actual tension while watching it, and Carpenter lets it build and build and build and then he finally delivers with the pay-off. Beautiful...

I also love how enigmatic the character of Michael Myers was in that first movie. He's not presented as being a supernatural menace like Freddy or an unstoppable monster like Jason. He's a man who possesses pure evil deep in the abyss of his blackened soul. He can be hurt. He's stabbed in the eye by a hanger and he bleeds. But when Dr. Loomis finally catches up with him and shoots him five times in the chest, sending him tumbling over the second-story railing to the ground below, his body...disappears. That's how you create a truly creepy antagonist. You keep the audience guessing.

This movie also gave birth to several horror clichés (including if you're a hot teenage chick who takes a babysitting gig you're pretty much dead), but my favorite has to be the virgins live/sluts die rule. Carpenter claims it was a complete coincidence that all the whores died in the movie (he claims Laurie was more observant because she was less focused on her vagina and more aware of her surroundings), but it also stands as an interesting piece of fundamentalist propaganda. Laurie literally defeats Michael with her virginity. Pew! Pew! Choke on my lack of sex, bitch!

Why It's Awesome: Michael Myers is part of the holy trinity of slasher antagonists (along with Freddy and Jason).  He's the most refined of the three, and his original tale (the 1978 flick, not Rob Zombie's abortion where he make Michael into a huge, hulking man-beast) is the best film of the three movie franchises.

Best Quote:

Dr. Loomis: I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil. 

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy's coming for you...

In the realm of horror movie serial killers, Freddy Krueger is king. Besides the mask they wear, is there really any difference between Jason and Michael Myers? They stalk you silently with a machete or kitchen knife...boring. But no one can kill a motha fucker with as much flare as child murderer, Fred Krueger.

Horror cinephiles will always lean on the argument that Freddy isn't as scary as his murderous counterparts because of his cheesy one-liners and ridiculous kill scenarios. To that I say, Watch the original Nightmare and you tell me how many quips Freddy delivers. The dude is straight-up terrifying in that first movie! Let's just get this out of the way: Every movie in the series (with the exception of Craven's New Nightmare) is total shit. And that's mainly because Freddy becomes a total comedy act in the sequels.

In the original, Freddy is a straight-up badass. He's barely even in the movie, but when he is, he's swallowing Johnny Depp into a bed and vomiting a blood tsunami all over the ceiling (best death scene EVER!). I want you to think about this...really think about it: Fred Krueger is a child murderer, hunted down and burned alive by a group of pissed off parents in the neighborhood who comes back and kills teens...IN THEIR DREAMS! There's no escape. The dude's not even real. You HAVE to sleep and when you do, he'll get you. Wes Craven is a sick, sick man.

Similar to the original Friday the 13th, what the original Nightmare does so well is tone and mood. I still remember watching the scenes as a child of the smoke-filled boiler room where Freddy dwelt and being totally creeped out beyond belief. His burnt-off face and knife gloves...terrifying. You did NOT want that guy showing up in your dreams. You'd take walking into bio class in your underwear any day of the damn week.

With all that being said, it's certainly not a perfect movie by any means. The acting is fairly atrocious...which is pretty much on par with most horror movies of the era. Some of the effects even for the day were kind of cheesy and looking back look really pretty awful. And I've always been a little miffed by the fact that Wes pussied out and made Freddy a "child killer" instead of the more appropriate "child molester." A small thing but I think it would really crank up Freddy's creep factor. He could molest and kill the kids and get the best of both worlds.

Still, despite the flaws and the eventual slip into Cheese City, I'll still take Freddy over Jason or even Michael Myers any day of the week (even if it's Friday the 13th). There's a reason why Freddy was the bad guy in Freddy vs. Jason instead of that hockey mask-wearing robot. He is a true Rembrandt of serial killing.

Nine, ten, never sleep again...

Why It's Awesome:

It's Freddy. 'Nough said.

Best Quote:

Rod: I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina. Had your name written all over it.
Tina: There's four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?

Carrie (1976)

Carrie is the latest movie that was done well the first time that filmmakers have decided would be best to add shitty CGI effects to and roll out a much lousier version to a modern-day audience.

The first movie is great. It's got that 70's grittiness to it. Sissy Spacek looks like an ugly loser who bitchier girls would throw tampons at. She looks the part (although she doesn't look too bad sitting naked in that tub). And the woman who plays Carrie's mother? Oh my God! That woman is AMAZING! She looks absolutely loony tune insaaaaaaaaane! It looks like they dragged that woman out of an insane asylum and told her she was going to be in a major motion picture. And I don't know who found that creepy Jesus-with-an-afro they use in the movie, but holy shit! Give that man a raise!

The original does all the small things right. The house where the Whites live? Dilapidated and shitty. The music? Creepy and moody. The nudity? Plentiful! In fact, Knocked Up identifies this film as one of he rare films that include opening credit boobs and bush. That's amazing - but appropriate. If we're panning through a girls' locker room, I better see some girls comparing breast size and grooming each other's pubes. That's a true reflection of reality.

The new version? Oh please, where do I even begin? First of all, the chick who ruined Let The Right One In (watch the foreign Norwegian version or whatever it is) was cast as Carrie, and she isn't even ugly! She's the hottest chick in the whole movie! How is that supposed to work? Then they cast Julianne Moore as Mrs. White. FAIL! They tried to make her ugly, too, and totally failed. She just looks like she's acting crazy...not the same. But here's the most disturbing statistics:

# of vaginas = 0
# of breasts = 0

Zero! How can I watch a movie where the opening scene takes place in a girls' locker room and see ZERO lady bits?! That's bullshit!

You would think that with all the CGI updates, the epic prom scene would be much better in the 2k13 version of the film, but it's not. It looks cheesy and it's way too over-the-top (Carrie in this version is not only telekinetic but a full X-Man who can solder with her mind, fly, and predict the sex of unborn babies). I was hoping to see Carrie destroy the entire town like she does in the book, but the new version failed to improve on anything the original did.

The original is superior in every single way, even with bullying being such a huge issue in the news today. This story should touch a nerve with modern movie-goers, but that won't happen with a mediocre movie that basically just remakes the previous movie scene-by-scene. Plus, where the hell was John Travolta?

Why It's Awesome:

Whether it's the original or the lame remake, the message is clear: Be careful who you mess with because that person may have telekinetic powers who will burn your fuckin' school to the ground.

Best Quote:

Mrs. White: I can see your dirty pillows.

Friday the 13th (1980)

This month I'm reviewing classic horror movies in honor of Halloween.

We start with my least favorite of "The Big Three." The original Friday the 13th was never meant to give birth to 11 sequels (if you count the abortion, Jason X, and the mash-up Jason vs. Freddy). And like most horror series, the original is the BEST movie in the entire series. And guess what? Jason isn't even in the damn thing (or at least not as the hockey mask wearing serial killer we've all come to know and love).

Here's the story that any respectable horror fan already knows: a group of horny teenagers go to Crystal Lake to get the camp ready for the summer. The camp has had a string of bad luck over the years, including the death of a retarded kid named Jason who drowned in the lake while the counselors were totally doing it (everyone has their priorities). Jason's mom goes crazy and kills all the kids.

The thing that late 70s and early 80s movies did so right was atmosphere. The shitty resolution of the cameras actually helped to make the movie feel more real. The wooden acting made viewers think that any of us could be the good-looking kids getting hunted down at the camp in our underwear. And the music? Classic! The first-person kill perspective added a mystery element to the usual slasher formula, and, man, what a reveal! The killer is actually a crusty, old woman. What a twist! That's way scarier than a goon in a hockey mask. She'll play bingo, watch Murder She Wrote, and then slit your throat with a machete. Badass!

The kills in the original are basic and effective. There's some throat slashing, axes to the face, an archery range accident, and (my favorite) the 'ole arrow through Kevin Bacon's throat. They don't have to be fancy because it's not just about the kills. It's about suspense and building tension and atmosphere. Everything has to be so fucking fancy and over-the-top and complicated now because people are so desensitized to violence. That's why all these remakes fail. Jason can't shock us anymore. How many times can we watch a guy impale someone with a machete before we just don't care anymore? (Answer: three).

Here's the real question, though: If Jason died as a child, how does he grow into a huge, hulking beast adult serial killer? It doesn't make any sense. The second film tries to retcon the story and say Jason never died, but then why would Mrs. Voorhees be insane? Jason doesn't make any sense. And how can he catch up with his victims when they're running full-speed and he's meandering slowly after them? Can he teleport or something? And why doesn't he run? Is he a Romero zombie? I guess that's the problem I always had with the Jason series: it was just dumb. The first movie, though, was not. It's just a shame that everything that came after he original was mindless drivel.

Why It's Awesome: Some old bitch kills off a bunch of kids to avenge her retard kid who can't swim that well. If she just would have bought Jason some arm floaties, the whole mess could have been avoided.

Best Quote:

CHI CHI CHI HA HA HA! (It's supposed to be the Jason music)