Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

I feel like this movie doesn't get the recognition it deserves.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (no question mark because question marks are bad luck in the film industry...for serious) marks one of the earliest and best attempts to combine animation and live action actors in a big-budget film. And you know what? It works. It's fairly flawless. If you think about what these actors did, saying their lines to tennis balls with faces painted on them, THIS MOVIE pretty much is a predecessor for every big-budget movie made today. There is no Avatar without Eddie Valiant and Roger Rabbit. So show some respect, sucka!

I still don't know who this movie was made for. Kids? Adults? It has cartoons so...kids? But it centers on a murder so...adults? There's plenty of slap-stick comedy so...kids? But the dialogue contains plenty of sexual innuendo so...adults? I honestly think anyone can enjoy this movie, and that's what the 80s was all about...that and coke...just mountains of coke.

After the initial novelty of seeing real actors interacting with cartoon characters wears off, what you're treated to is one of the best noir mystery period pieces ever filmed. Bob Hoskins plays Eddie Valiant, a drunk private eye who once worked the mean streets of Toon Town (the segregated neighborhood for the cartoon characters) with his brother until a toon dropped a safe on his bro's head. He's vowed never to work another toon case when he's caught up in the middle of a murder mystery where someone has framed toon star, Roger Rabbit, for the murder of Marvin Acme.

Was it his wife (who's been playing paddy-cake behind his back)? Or his baby co-star? Or the demented judge of Toon Town, Judge Doom? No, that's too obvious...oh wait...it is him? Well that makes sense. Judge Doom, who legitimately creeped me out as a kid, is played to perfection by Christopher Lloyd, who is as close to a cartoon character in real life as one can get. I love the fact that Judge Doom's "evil plan" to buy and shut down LA's trolley cars to force people to ride his new "freeway" is based on what actually happened in history. Genius...

So did anyone else pick up on the fact that the toons are supposed to be black people? Well, they definitely are. They're forced to live in their own section of town and dance like trained monkeys for the white man's entertainment. There's even a club where toons are banned unless they're servers or entertainers. They even have their own drinking fountains...I assume. RACISTS!

And finally, one can't discuss Who Framed Roger Rabbit without discussing the single most boner-inducing animated character (outside of Japanese anime) ever drawn: Jessica Rabbit. I was six when I first saw this movie. Back then I was too young to understand the effect this large-breasted redhead had on me, but all I knew was that she made me feel funny...in my pants. And she still does.

Why It's Awesome:

Think about how amazing this is: Disney characters and Warner Bros. characters IN THE SAME MOVIE! IN THE SAME FRAME! That would NEVER happen today. Two rival companies finding common ground for the good of an artistic project. Forget it. The 80s were a magical time.

Best Quote:

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way.

Old School (2003)

"You're my boy, Blue!"

Certain cinephiles have attempted to convince me that Old School doesn't hold up ten years later.

Those people are fucking idiots. This movie is STILL hilarious! Easily one of the top ten comedies of the New Millennium.

What a genius story: a couple of thirty-somethings start a fraternity where they do all the partying and none of the learning that one usually suffers in college. How many unhappy dudes in their thirties with kids and shitty jobs dream of just that? Booze? Sluts? Hazing rituals involving cinderblocks, rope, and a dude's wang?

Check, check, and check.

The cast is insane. This is the movie that put Will Ferrell on the cinematic map (before his whole shtick got old). Vince Vaughn was still transitioning into the comedy genre. And, personally, I've always enjoyed Luke Wilson's clueless everyman gimmick. Then you've got a perfect Circle of Life casting with Jeremy Piven playing the uptight dean in direct contrast to his earlier frat-boy-who-drives-the-dean-crazy casting in the underrated PCU. Oh, and whoever got Elisha Cuthbert to flaunt her sweet ass onscreen deserves a medal.

But the true test of the quality of a comedy is in its quote-worthiness. Let's do an Mitch-a-palooza quote-off!

"WE'RE GOIN' STREAKING!"

"Let me be the first to say congratulations then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

"Earmuffs!"

"Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low. HEY MIKE!"

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE TANK!"

"Oh yeah. CHEEEEEE-EEEEEZE! Hey, didn't we lock you in a dumpster once?"

"No, it's cool, man. Bring your green hat!"

I'd say that's pretty legit. The best part is that the main protagonist undergoes no major character development, the love story is half-heartedly tacked on, and no non-slut female character spends more than two minutes onscreen at a time. Now that's a man movie!

Why It's Awesome:

Just stupid, frat humor with a cast of A-list comedians riffing for 90 minutes. Throughout the course of the movie, they condone statutory rape, binge drinking, cheating on formal tests, getting a divorce after only a month of marriage, blind-folded gang bangs, and solo streaking. How awesome was Pre-Recession America?

Best Quote:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know... I don't know if we'll have time!

Robocop (1987)

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

I just watched the theatrical trailer for the new Robocop (2014), and it's amazing how they can make any movie look decent in a trailer. What's even MORE amazing is that the new Robocop looks like shit even in the trailer...which is not a great sign of things to come.

Why mess with perfection? The original Robocop is a masterpiece of action sci-fi goodness. It's one of the few memorable films lacking a genuine movie star. It's also great social commentary and turned out to be quite prophetic.

Let's compare the two movies, basing the quality of the new movie solely on the trailer (which I think seems fair).

Background:

In the original, Detroit is a bankrupt city that has become a cesspool of crime where greedy corporations have taken over public services like the police and ruined them with their corporate bullshit. Umm...did they nail it or what? The new one is about drones or something. DUMB!

The Costume:

The original Robocop looked like a badass cyborg who would shoot you in the dick if you tried to rape a bitch. The new Robocop looks like a gay robot who rapes motorcycles.

The Bad Guys

The original features the corporate dickhead, Dick Jones, and...wait...is that Red from That 70s Show? That's awesome. Who's the new one got? Probably someone stupid. Wait...is that Michael Keaton? Wow...all right. I'm still going to give the edge to the original because it had Red. Booya!

The Violence

The original is one of the most violent action movie of the 80s. They had to tone it down just to avoid an X rating. Murphy's death is one of the most explicit deaths in cinema. He gets shot 347 times with shotguns while Red and the gang laugh their asses off. That sets the stage for a very personal journey of revenge. In the new PG-13 movie, Murphy "dies" in a car bomb...which is easily the LEAST personal way to die. Who does he want revenge on? The car? And, oh, by the way, a dude get drenched in acid and then hit by a car and he explodes...so violent and awesome.

So the answer is clear: The original is superior in every single way. You can throw in Gary Oldman or Samuel L. Jackson (who is in every single movie anyway), but none of that shit matters. You can't remake an action movie that already achieved awesomeness (Total Recall anyone?). They should just trash the entire movie. Don't waste your time.

Why It's Awesome:

A robot cop takes down corporate douchebags. One can dream...

Best Quote:

Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar!