Risky Business (1983)

When you were young and your parents went out of town, it was clear what had to be done: You had to recruit a gaggle of prostitutes and run a makeshift brothel out of your home that would specialize in the boning of underage teenagers.

That's the entire premise of Risky Business, a movie about greed, sex, and how naïve and stupid teenagers are compared to pimps and prostitutes. Everyone knows this as "the movie where Tom Cruise dances around in his tighty-whities," but it's actually a pretty deep (and prophetic) movie.

The premise is pretty ridiculous. Two parents leave their teenage son home alone for two weeks during the school year (what?) and he ends up hiring a heroine prostitute who convinces him to run a brothel out of the house for a night and make a shit ton of money...which she and her pimp then steal by jacking all his stuff and selling it back to him. Oh, but he still gets into Princeton because he got the interviewer blown. Well done, Tom.

My favorite part of this movie is Tom's crew. It's legendary. His best buddies include Booger from Revenge of the Nerds  ("When I was a little girl, my daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?" Call Misty!) and his accountant, Cousin Balkie Bartokomos of Perfect Strangers fame. Running with a crew like that, it's no wonder Tom Cruise becomes a pimp!

This movie doesn't get enough credit for how it basically predicted the next 25 years of moral depravity that would run rampant throughout American culture. This movie taught Tom's character, Joel, that the only thing that matters in life is making money and getting laid. He's even rewarded for his depravity by being accepted into Princeton (with a 3.1 GPA, might I add). What a perfect statement about the attitude that became America's motto until 2008: Make money by any means necessary. Forget morality, forget ethics, forget friendship or family. Money is all that matters.

And that's America...

Oh, and how hot is that sex scene on the train? Mmm. Hot. Nothing like banging a heroine-thin hooker on a subway while a hobo watches. Now that's...RISKY BUSINESS!

Why It's Awesome:

This movie shows how easy it is to accidentally become a pimp. Unfortunately, it also proves the oldest commandment is still the truest: PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!

Best Quote:

Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Battle Royale (2000)

If you enjoyed The Hunger Games...then you're a pussy.

Battle Royale is the Japanese predecessor that HG was totally ripped off from, and it kicks so much more ass than Jennifer Lawrence's totally weak bullshit, it makes the teenage murder in HG look like a friendly game of laser tag. No one knows how to do violence in the movie like the Japanese and this is their magna opus.

The storyline is almost identical to that of Hunger Games (and both were ripped off Stephen King's Running Man), but there are some subtle differences to the set-up. In a dystopia future, Japan's youth have grown disrespectful and violent. So, to teach them a lesson, a reality show has been created where 42 junior high students (21 with penises and 21 without) are dumped on an island and forced to fight to the death until only one remains. Now that's tough love!

The rules for the game are so much better in this movie, too. Instead of that horn-of-plenty bullshit Hunger Games has going on, each kid gets a backpack full of supplies and a random weapon ranging from uzis to katanas to a saucepan lid (ZONK!). Each contestant is also fitted with a collar so they can be tracked or randomly killed if things get boring. Every six hours certain sections of the island turn into random "instant death zones" so it keeps the contestants moving. The best part is that if there isn't a winner after three days, they just kill all the kids! How awesome is that?

Because there are so many contestants, most of them are just fodder for the gratuitous violence, but there are a couple main characters. The two main protagonists are a boy/girl combo who try to keep each other alive by teaming up with this badass kid who was a previous winner of the show and returned to figure out the mystery of why his girlfriend tried to kill him at the end of their game and then smiled after he killed her (it doesn't really make any sense). The BEST character, though, is this totally insane redhead kid who actually volunteered to be on the show just because he's a hardcore psycho! This kid is so badass. He kills, like, half the contestants, and he doesn't utter a single word throughout the entire movie. There's also this hardcore slut who is pretty badass, too.

The only problem with the movie is that, because it's a Japanese film, there are a lot of Asians in it (makes sense). The problem with that, though, is that I discovered that I'm not very good with telling Asians apart from each other. I'm telling you, all these kids looked EXACTLY the same and they were all wearing the same school uniform so it was impossible to tell who was who. I kept thinking the two main characters had been killed, but then it would turn out to be two other Asians. I thought they died five different times in the movie only to discover them walking around in the next scene. They should have color-coded each actor for the convenience of a Western audience, just a magenta splash right on the forehead so I can properly keep track of the carnage.

This move was too hardcore to be released in theaters, but you can check it out on Netflix instant streaming. Just be warned, after you watch it, you won't be able to watch Hunger Games or any of its stupid sequels ever again because they will just seem so goddamn pathetic. Seriously. Those Japs know how to kill a 12-year old girl like a boss.

Why It's Awesome:

It's Hunger Games but it shows how that shit would ACTUALLY go down with axes to the head and scythes to the jugular and arrows to the heart. Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence's wooden acting is not present. Another plus.

Best Quote:

Chigusa: Shouldn't you be worried about your life instead of that useless micropenis of yours? 

What About Bob? (1991)

Sometimes you watch a movie as an adult that you enjoyed as a kid and realize the movie is actually dog shit. This is exactly the case here. A lot of comedies do not age well. This is one of them. What About Bob? is fucking horrible. Sorry, Bill.

In this early 90s comedy, Bill Murray plays hopeless psychiatric patient, Bob Wiley, who struggles with a plethora of unexplained phobias that include being really, really annoying. When he drives his current psychiatrist out of the profession, he's referred to Dr. Leo Marvin, a narcissist robot who just wrote a best-selling book. The wacky shenanigans begin when Dr. Marvin takes his family on vacation...and Bob goes, too...after committing some hardcore stalker moves.

Things really get "hilarious" when Dr. Marvin's family fall in love with Bob...even after Dr. Marvin tells them that Bob is a dangerous psychopath. They don't listen to him worth a damn. And there's absolutely nothing...nothing likable about Bob. He refuses to leave Dr. Marvin (who in on vacation, by the way) alone, spends the night at his house, wears his pajamas, uses his toothbrush, makes him look horrible on national television, and then bangs the doctor's sister. Ultimately, this all drives Dr. Marvin insane (oh, the irony).

This is by far my least favorite Bill Murray performance. I never like it when Murray plays the idiot (The Man Who Knew Too Little). It's so unnatural. He's much better as the sarcastic asshole (Scrooged, Groundhog Day, Ghostbusters). I thought he was fun and a harmless when I watched this as a child, but now, as an adult, I agree with Dr. Marvin. Bob is an uber-douche. Who the hell wants to be bothered on vacation or have some guy play fun uncle to your family and make you look like a schmuck?

The main problem with this movie is that neither main character is even remotely likable. Bob is an annoying, clingy psycho. Dr. Marvin is a self-centered doucher. Oh, and the jokes aren't funny either...which is a concern in a comedy. All the comedy relies on watching one guy being really annoyed by another guy who everyone else inexplicably loves for no reason. It doesn't really hold up for an hour and a half.

There's plenty that doesn't make sense either. Like why would Good Morning America interview Dr. Marvin on vacation? When Dr. Marvin decides to murder Bob (which I totally support), he decides shooting him with a bow and arrow wouldn't be painful enough, but he decides to blow him up with dynamite instead...which would be instantaneous and not painful in the slightest. Why is Dr. Marvin's wife so ugly? Couldn't they find a more attractive actress for that role?  Why would Dr. Marvin be cool with Bob, a grown man and a diagnosed psychopath, sleeping in the same room with his twelve-year old son? That's sick...

Anyways, I thought it was a funny movie, but it isn't...not anymore. What about Bob? He's annoying as fuck. That answers that question.

Why It's Awful:

It's not funny. Bob is annoying. Dr. Marvin is a jerk. The family is stupid. The wife is ugly. Nothing makes sense. And the eyebrows on the daughter are disturbing.

Best Quote:

Dr. Marvin: That patient, the one who called before, he committed suicide.
Fay Marvin: Oh, Leo, how horrible.
Dr. Marvin: Oh well. Let's not let it spoil our vacation.