The Avengers (2012)

If this is one of the highest grossing movies of all time, then we need more than The Hulk to save us...

I was one of the ten people who didn't go see The Avengers last summer. It was a wise decision. I've been superheroed out since about 2008. I'm certainly a fan when they're done well (The Dark Knight, X-Men: First Class), but most are just blindingly mediocre bullshit for stupid kids or adult nerds. This was, by far, the most blindingly stupid uber-bullshit I think I've ever seen. This movie made Independence Day look like a legitimate Oscar contender.

Here's the problem with superhero movies: people like underdogs. They're relatable, they're sympathetic, they're vulnerable. You can't help but cheer on Indiana Jones as he faces off against THE ENTIRE NAZI ARMY or John McClane as he battles an entire building of terrorists WITHOUT ANY SHOES. These are underdogs. A super invincible robot billionaire is not relatable. A godlike indestructible alien with a hammer is not sympathetic. A giant, green, bullet-proof rage beast is not vulnerable. It's the reason people hate Superman and love Batman. We need to believe the hero is in actual danger so we can care about them.

So if you're going to assemble a half dozen invincible superheroes, you need to pit them against a force that is soooo powerful that it makes even them look vulnerable. So who do they choose? Loki...the guy who Thor beat single-handedly in his own movie. WHAT?! How was Loki, who couldn't even beat ONE Avenger, ever going to beat ALL the Avengers? Loki is bitch tits. He sucks. In fact, he gets beat not once but TWICE in this movie! And then when he's defeated at the end, it takes The Hulk all of FIVE SECONDS to squash him.

Of course, Loki does have some assistance from a moderately-sized alien army that poses ABSOLUTELY NO THREAT to The Avengers...like, at all. They're appropriately named, too: the Shitauri. At no point during the 40-minute (not an exaggeration) marathon final battle in New York does it EVER look like The Avengers might lose...not ever. The Avengers dominate from the very start of the battle and just totally pwn the fuck out of the skull aliens with their little air go-karts and their flying alien whales to the point I actually felt bad for them. The Avengers made me feel bad for the invading aliens trying to take over Earth...that's quite an accomplishment.

And I guess I could overlook all this if I thought this movie was just trying to be a big, stupid clusterfuck, but it attempts to be more than that. They kill off Agent Coulson as a means of inspiring all the superheroes to work together and AVENGE him...but any impact that death created was obliterated seconds later with a string of horrible, juvenile jokes and then the fact that when they do finally capture Loki, it, too, is a big joke ("I think I will have that drink now."). They don't avenge anybody! Hell, they don't even kill Loki. They just capture him politely. Aren't they pissed that their friend died? I can't wait for the moment in the sequel  when Nick Fury is telling the Avengers they need all the help they can get and a door opens and Loki walks in smiling and someone (probably Thor) says something like "You've got to be kidding me..." or "You can't be serious..." or something equally shitty. God I hate superhero movies!

But worst of all, The Avengers is guilty of committing the most heinous sin an action movie can commit: it bored me. I was bored. There was a moment when all the heroes were bickering on the stupid flying aircraft carrier where I turned to my wife and said, "This is boring." And then I was bored again during the final battle that lasted so long I started and finished watching another movie during its duration. Shame on you, Avengers.

Now don't think I'm just a mindless hater. I'm a huge Joss Whedon fan (Buffy is one of my favorite shows ever and I'm still pissed Firefly didn't get a second season) and I was rooting for him, but this was just an absolute dinosaur turd. It was stupid and I think Joss knew it was stupid and it just proved how many stupid people there are in this world...and that they're stupid. And that makes me sad...or maybe I'm just too old for this bullshit.

Why It's Quite Possibly the Most Overrated Movie since Inception:

And another thing, why can Bruce Banner all of a sudden control The Hulk at the end of the movie? Wasn't that the point of everything we've been told about The Hulk throughout the entire film? That he's just a mindless destroying machine? Then why can he follow orders and participate in complex combat maneuvers when it's necessary for the plot? Just forget it...

Best Quote:

My Wife: Where's Batman?