Uncle Buck (1989)

Forget Breakfast Club. THIS is my favorite John Hughes' movie.

 

Uncle Buck is one of those subtle comedies that I just have to watch anytime it's on as a Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. It's just a wholesome, fun, family comedy that they don't really make anymore. There's no gross-out humor or sexual innuendo or violence. I would watch it at college a lot because it reminded me of being home and watching movies with my family so it's a sentimental favorite.

 

Here's the story: Buck Russell is a big, fat unemployed gambler who has to watch his brother's three kids when a medical emergency takes the parents out of the picture. The only problem is that one of these kids, Tia, is a real bitch and she's intent on getting impregnated at the age of 15 so Buck has to run around acting like a total cock block while watching the other two brats. In the end, he learns that having a family ain't all that bad and bangs a ginger woman.

This is easily one of Candy's best solo performances (Besides Larry Clump of course...). You might notice a young Macaulay Culkin in this one as well in a pre-Home Alone outing (also a John Hughes movie). The real star of this film, however, is Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell. This girl is a total CUNT! There's no other way to describe her. Kelly puts in one of the all-time great bitch performances in cinematic history. Watch this movie and try not to hate her...TRY IT!

Here's some shit I love about this movie:

- Buck's car is an absolute BEAST! It's a 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe that backfires with a gunshot and a mushroom cloud of exhaust. Take that EPA!

- Buck's tormenting of Bug (Tia's boyfriend) is legendary ("Ever heard of a ritual killing?"). Who needs a condom when you've got John Candy wielding a hatchet or a power drill?

- For Miles' birthday, Buck makes him a stack of pancakes he has to flip with a snow shovel and I always thought as a kid that that would be just about the coolest thing ever.

- Buck punches a drunk clown after uttering one of the great lines in cinematic history, "Get in your mouse...and get out of here."

Bottom line is if you're looking for a pre-9/11 comedy where the parents are still married and the humor plays off the dialogue and funny situations instead of gross-out humor or obscenities or slapstick then Uncle Buck is what you're looking for.

Why It's Awesome:

Great director and a great performance from a genuinely funny comedian. Do we even have funny comedians anymore capable of carrying films on their own? Say Tyler Perry and I'll rip out your intestines and strangle you to death with them.

Best Quote:

Buck walks into the assistant principal's office and is met with a giant mole with a woman attached to it.

Hoargarth: I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck (staring at the mole): I'm Buck Melonoma. Moley Russell's wart.

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

What's the best reason to make a movie? Answer: REVENGE!!!

John Hughes made this movie after the studio changed the ending to Pretty in Pink so Ginger Girl ended up with lame Andrew McCarthy instead of stalker, Duckie. So he wrote the EXACT same movie with a male protagonist (if you consider Eric Stoltz a male) instead and made sure it ended with the main character choosing to bang his loser friend. He even tried to get his favorite ginger, Molly Ringwald, to star in it, but she refused (and ended her career in the process).

In Pretty in Pink Version 2.0, Eric Stoltz goes back in time in a DeLorean and prevents his parents from ever meeting but then Steven Spielberg decides it's not really working out and replaces him with Michael J. Fox. Oh wait, that's what happened in real life.

In THIS movie, a kind-of-poor kid falls for Lea "I fucked a duck" Thompson and starts dating her despite the fact she's rich and popular and he's...I guess I don't really know what he was. His dad was a dick, but they don't seem that poor. Oh, but Eric's Keith does have a lesbian friend who is not-so-secretly in love with him. She wears boxers and has a dyke haircut, and she's also easily the best character in the movie.

Check out these nuggets of Lesbian Wisdom:

"It's better to swallow pride than blood."

"Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of legs."

"You break his heart, I break your face."

You are wise, oh carpet muncher.

But here's the real question: Is Some Kind of Wonderful better than Pretty in Pink? Let's compare:

Eric Stoltz > Molly Ringwald

As protagonists go, the failed Marty McFly gets the slight edge over the Gingerbread Queen. She always looks like she's constipated.

Watts > Duckie

Watts is kind of hot...in a lesbian sort of way. Plus she has the best dialogue of either film. Duckie is creepy and weird and probably has a Molly Ringwald hair doll in his bedroom. Advantage: Watts.

Lea Thompson > Andrew McCarthy

As far as the rich asshole love interests go, Lea Thompson wins because she has boobs and Andrew McCarthy's character had as much personality as a Triscuit cracker.

James Spader > The Asshole Child Rapist in SKOW

Not even close here. James Spader is the ultimate rich asshole/rapist. The V in his button-down shirt runs deep, my friends.

So there you have it. Despite being less well-known and making less money, Some Kind of Wonderful is the superior movie...easily...by far. Unfortunately, Lea Thompson having sex with a duck > both movies combined x10. Now get your skag and let's go!

Why It's Awesome: It's Pretty in Pink...but better!

Best Quote:

Keith (talking about Amanda Jones): You can't judge a book by its cover.
Watts: No, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost.

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Most people think John Hughes' Pretty in Pink is a story about finding love across socioeconomic barriers. Those people are wrong.

Pretty in Pink is a story about GINGER DISCRIMINATION!

Yes, on the surface it appears as if the problem between Molly Ringwald's Andie and Andrew McCarthy's Blaine is that he's rich and she's poor. That doesn't really matter. The problem is that Andie is a ginger, and Steff and the other BLONDE rich snobs are concerned he'll come down with ginger-vitus. Duckie, on the other hand, accepts Andie's condition, and yet she still rejects him...because gingers have no souls.

I remember liking this movie as a teenager, but now, watching it as an adult, I realize it's god-awful. It's really bad. The problem is that it doesn't matter who Andie ends up with because all her options are HORRIBLE and she's a total bitch so why would I care? Many cinephiles claim she should end up with Duckie. Seriously? Did you see what that guy wears? Let's look at the competitors and their stats:

Blaine: A richie with the personality of a Triscuit cracker. This guy is BLAND! He takes her on the single WORST date of all-time, believing the best possible place for his date with Andie is a house party where everyone hates her...and with good reason. Pearls, Andie? Who are you? My grandmother?

Duckie: Weird stalker friend with a terrible sense of style. Many consider his antics and dedication to Andie to be sweet, but really it's creepy as hell. Leaving a dozen messages on her phone? Driving past her house in the middle of the night? Plus, she treats him like garbage, and he just comes back for more. And let's be honest here, we all know he's secretly gay so what's the point?

Steff: Alpha snob who bangs girls in his parents' bed and likes to dumpster dive every now and then. He tells Andie at the beginning he wants to fuck her and then gives Blaine shit when he wants to do the same thing. He's awesome.

So there you have it. Amazingly, the best option for Andie is...Steff. At least he's not a sopping wet pussy like the other two competitors. Or maybe that's just because James Spader is the man. Anyways, like I said before, none of this matters because Andie is a bitch anyway. She deserves to be treated like crap. Her father is on the verge of committing suicide due to depression and unemployment, and she's worried about whether or not she's going to the prom.

This movie reminded me why teenagers are idiots, and no one should listen or care about anything they say.

Why It's Lame: If I want to listen to a bunch of whiny teens bitch and moan about who's going to the prom with who...there's no way to finish that sentence because I would never, EVER want that. I think John Hughes was secretly a teenage girl trapped inside a man's body. How else can one explain these movies?

Best Quote:

Steff: Andie, you're a bitch.