Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Our travels through time come to an end with not only one of the best time-traveling movies of all-time, but one of, if not THE BEST sci-fi action movie ever made.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a masterpiece of popcorn films. It should have won every Oscar ever made upon its release. Unfortunately, the Oscars are for pretentious bullshit, not kick-ass action movies with time-traveling robots. And although the storyline of the first Terminator is the only one of the franchise that makes sense, Terminator 2 takes everything that was awesome about the first movie and does it ten times awesomer.

First of all, taking the villain from the first movie and then making him the hero of the second...BRILLIANT! You've got this strange dynamic where now Sarah Connor has to trust the very machine that chased her around for an hour-and-a-half trying to kill her. That's awesome.

Then you make the machine that seemed so unstoppable in the first film a total underdog by creating an even more badass (and much creepier) machine in the T-1000. A liquid-metal robot that can replicate anyone, form blades and knives with its arms, and get shot, like, a bazillion times, even frozen and shattered, and just shake it off like nothing happened? Um, YES PLEASE! They couldn't even come up with a more bad-ass machine for the third film (The T-X, pa-leeze, bitch!) because the T-1000 maxed out on every possible bad-ass o' meter.

The special effects were not only good for the time, but they totally hold up even now more than two decades later. James Cameron was still using special effects to enhance movies at this time instead of just whoring them out as the entire reason for the movie's existence (Avatar, I'm looking at you!). Nothing looks cheesy, but it also doesn't look like a giant cartoon either.

The thing that really makes this film stand out is that not only are the action set pieces amazing (The chase with the dirt bike and the semi, the escape at the mental institution, the raid on Cyberdyne, EVERYTHING at the steel mill), but it has a depth that is totally unmatched in any other action film. The relationship between John and the Terminator is one of a father/son, and the metamorphosis of a machine that kills without remorse to a machine that realizes the value of human life is one of the great character arcs in all of cinema. When Arnold is being lowered into that molten lava, you're fighting back tears! For a goddamn machine! That's great story-telling.

Contrary to popular belief, it was James Cameron who made these movies great, not Arnold. You saw what happened in T-3 when Arnold is present and Cameron isn't (total trainwreck). The worst part is that the third movie totally cancels out EVERYTHING that happened in the second film...which is a shame because it's the third film that someone should travel back in time to prevent.

I only have one complaint about T-2, and it's something that bothers me every single time I watch it. After the T-800 terminates the T-1000 in the lava and we've all just witnessed one of the great action movies of our time, Arnold (in a totally ad-libbed scene) approaches John and Sarah and delivers one of the WORST lines in cinematic history. He says, "I need a vacation." WHAT?! Why would a machine even know what a vacation is?! Why would he even need one?! He can't get tired, he doesn't know what relaxation is! A vacation?! Cameron, how could you let that one slide! BAH!

But other than that, it's awesome...

Why It's Awesome:

Two time-traveling robots, a totally bad-ass Linda Hamilton in a wife-beater, and a kid in a movie who isn't a whiny bitch. What a movie!

Best Line That Hasn't Become a Total Cliché:

T-800: I know now why you cry...but it is something I can never do.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

There's a certain charm to the original Bill and Ted movie that its sequel lacks. I think it's mainly because stupid stoners who play in a shitty band in high school are kind of funny; stupid stoners who play in a shitty band who have graduated from high school - well, that's just kind of sad.

There's far less time-traveling in the sequel than its predecessor, which is also a mistake. The set-up for the sequel is an evil gym teacher from the future travels back in time with evil robot versions of Bill and Ted in an attempt to change the future by murdering Bill and Ted and reorganizing society under his own ideals. So Bill and Ted die and then travel to Hell (probably because they use the word "fag" in a derogatory way), but they're able to return after they defeat the Grim Reaper in various board games. Then they recruit an alien to help them build good Bill and Ted robots and then they win the battle of the bands and...it's stupid. Just forget it.

The real problem is this movie just isn't that funny. Really the only funny part is where Bill and Ted are playing against Death in Battleship, Twister, and Clue ("I said Plum!"). Everything else is crap. Rufus is barely in the movie. The stuff in Hell like the weird Easter Bunny and gross grandmother just comes off as super creepy.

And then there's Station...ah, where to start with Station. Station is the greatest scientist ever...he's also a dead alien who plays charades with Albert Einstein in Heaven. But here's the problem: If aliens exist, then that means God doesn't, which means Station can't be in Heaven because his existence cancels out the possibility of God. Science and religion do not mix. I know Bill and Ted is the last place logic belongs, but even Bill and Ted are subject to the basic rules of philosophy.

But the WORST part of the sequel is that it breaks its own time-traveling rules...which is the worst sin a time-traveling movie can commit. During the final scene at the Battle of the Bands, Bill and Ted time travel long enough to grow facial hair, learn to play their instruments, get married, and have children with the princesses, and then travel back to the same moment they left in time to play their set at the Battle of the Bands. This is in direct contrast to the time-traveling rules established in the first movie where Bill and Ted have to collect the historical figures in a certain amount of time because the time in their time period continues to run even as they're traveling through time (remember the "Don't forget to wind your watch, Ted!" moment?). There's only one word to describe this terrible breach of time-traveling rules...

STATION!!!

Why It Sucks: It commits the worst deadly sin of any time-traveling film: It breaks its own time-traveling rules. How totally non-non heinous.

Best Quote:

Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.
Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!
Station: Station!

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

EXCELLENT!

You can't discuss time-traveling movies without including the excellent time-traveling adventures of Bill S. Preston, Esquire,  Ted Theodore Logan, and a phone booth (Take THAT, Dr. Who!). This movie is actually just a combination of Wayne's World and Back to the Future...but who cares?! It's totally excellent...and educational!

Two stoner teens are on the verge of failing their history class. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that these two teens go on to form a band that eventually brings harmony to the universe. So George Carlin has to travel back in time to help Bill and Ted kidnap several historical figures and force them to perform like trained monkeys so these slackers can pass their class.

My favorite part of this movie is that the historical figures don't even seem to mind being kidnapped. They're totally cool with it. Napoleon has a blast at the water park, Joan of Ark (Noah's wife, by the way) gets her jazzercise on, and Genghis Khan goes crazier than a homeless person on bath salts in the sports department. They have a blast. Never mind that removing them from their respective timelines would severely alter the course of history and create a Doc Brown time paradox that would cause the entire universe to cave in on itself...as long as Bill and Ted pass their history course.

I know the movie isn't really meant to be taken seriously, but let's explore the time-traveling dynamics of Bill and Ted just for shits and gigs. First of all, interfering in the past doesn't seem to effect the present in any way, otherwise no one in the present time (1988) would even know who the historical figures were since they're removed from their timelines. And yet, if that's true, then the whole premise of the movie is flawed.

 In the future, Bill and Ted's music has already created a universal utopia...so why would it matter if they were separated in the past? Obviously everything works out if the future turns out the way it does. And if changing the past won't affect the future, then helping Bill and Ted pass their history test WON'T change anything about the future...so why even bother? Why send Rufus back unless the future is totally fucked? GOD I LOVE TIME TRAVELING LOGIC! It really messes with your head.

My favorite part about the time-traveling dynamics in Bill and Ted is that, apparently, you can affect the present just by saying you're going to travel back to that present moment from the future. For example, in the movie, Bill and Ted need Ted's dad's keys to bust the historical figures out of jail, but they don't know where the keys are. So they say they're going to travel back in time to when Ted's dad had them, take them, and leave them behind a bush so the present Bill and Ted have access to them...and then the keys are magically behind the bush...without them doing anything. You follow me?

It would be like wanting to win the lottery so you go to your backyard and dig a hole and find a lottery ticket there with the winning numbers that was placed there by the you of the future who already knew what the winning numbers would be, traveled back to the day before the lottery, bought the ticket with the winning numbers, and buried it in the backyard so the present you would find it and win. Of course, if you didn't follow through and travel through time and buy the lottery ticket for your past self the entire universe would collapse in on itself. That's a Primer mind fuck right there, pal.

By the way, I'm thinking of a number...know what it is?

69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why It's Awesome: Two dumb stoner kids travel through time and jam over a dozen historical figures into a single phone booth. If that's not a great movie premise, I don't know what is.

Best Quote:

Dumb Jock: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... {awkward pause} SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!