12 Monkeys (1995)

In 1997, five billion people will be wiped out by a deadly virus (1997 is a bad year in cinema, as that's also the year the machines take over in Terminator).

12 Monkeys is about a prisoner named James Cole (Bruce Willis) who is sent back in time to discover a way to prevent the apocalypse. His mission is not to change the past but uncover enough information about the initial spread of the virus by an insane animal activist group (led by a cross-eyed and insane Brad Pitt) to discover a cure in the present year of 2035. Of course, by traveling back in time, Cole actually causes many of the events leading up to viral outbreak. Why can't time traveling ever be simple!

I absolutely love time travel movies. The intricacies, the paradoxes, the tangents, the accidentally causing your mother to get wet for you and preventing your own birth. A time travel movie has to be perfect because if there's even a single hole, some nerd in his basement will splatter it all over the Internet and act like he actually accomplished something. So it's a tough task, but 12 Monkeys is one of the best time-travel/dystopian films of the modern era.

The best part of this movie is that it takes a while before you can conclusively say that it is, in fact, a time travel movie. For most of the film, there's the question of whether or not James Cole is actually a time-traveling prisoner from the future or if he's just fucking nuts. There's some great parallels between the insane asylum where Cole ends up and the apocalyptic steampunk world of 2035. There's even a great moment when Cole believes that he's insane while his psychiatrist whom he wants to bang (the love story is kind of tacked on) believes that he really is from the future, thus reversing roles entirely from the beginning of the movie.

To have Brad Pitt in a supporting role these days seems impossible, but Pitt gives one of the best performances of his career in his last movie before he was labeled a "mega star." He was even nominated for a best supporting Oscar for his portrayal of the insane leader of the 12 Monkeys animal activists group. Oh, and this is the last movie where Pitt is actually ugly as fuck so I commend him.

I highly suggest watching the making of documentary on the DVD about the director, Terry Gilliam. Man, what a fucking loon. It would take a man who is certifiably insane to make a mind-fuck of a movie like this. It's smart and it's funny and the script is perfect. I think it's one of the most underrated films of the 90s. Bow down and bask in its glory!

Why It's Awesome:

Well done time travel movies are awesome because they force you to think of the infinite possibilities and issues time travel presents...like would you bang your own mother if she was hot for you and looked like Lea Thompson? I know your initial reaction is no, but think about it...think about it...

Best Quote:

James Cole: I am insane. And you are my insanity.

Cobra (1986)

This movie is every bad cop movie cliché rolled into an hour-and-a-half of bad quips, totally unrealistic action, over-the-top (pun intended) violence, and bad 80s hair. When Ivan Drago's wife witnesses a grisly murder committed by a group of New World Order, axe-clicking psychos, only Marian Cobretti, a renegade cop who doesn't play by the rules, can keep her safe.

Sounds like every cop movie ever made, right? Yup. BUT THIS ONE HAS SLY STALLONE IN IT WEARING TIGHT-ASS JEANS!

I like that Stallone is such a rebel that he can't even wear cop clothes or drive a cop car. You know why? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES!

And the quips? Oh man! They are truly LEGENDARY!

"You're the disease. And I'm the cure."

"Cobretti, do you know you have an attitude problem?"
"Yeah but it's just a little one."

"Hey, dirtbag! You're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots."

And if the cliché dialogue wasn't enough, the final dramatic shoot-out might as well have been copy-and-pasted into the movie. Stallone literally kills, like, 30 guys by himself...some of them with grenades. His accuracy during the firefight is a respectable 100%. Every time he fires the gun he either kills a guy or makes a motorcycle fall over. His opposition, however, chooses much less effective approaches that include driving through the door of a hotel room and falling over and failing to hit a man standing stationary in the back of a pick-up truck.

As the movie, Commando, can attest, a movie is only as good as its villain. Sly's opposition in this flick is a true badass in The Night Stalker (played by Brian Thompson). Man does this guy look insane ("Let's go to hell, pig!"). He's basically the evil version of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sly handles him, though, by impaling him on a giant hook and setting him on fire...so yeah...

In conclusion, Cobra is the kind of cliché action movie that I think of fondly when I remember the peak of the action genre in the 80s and early 90s. Where have all the action heroes gone?

Why It's Awesome: Renegade cop? Check. Hot 80s chick? Check. Badass villain? Check. Totally unrealistic action? Check. Flimsy plot? Check. Yup. It's an 80s action movie.

Best Quote:

{A gun-toting psycho is threatening to blow up a grocery store.}

Gun-toting psycho: I got a bomb here! I'll blow this whole place up!
Cobretti: Go ahead. I don't shop here.

Face/Off (1997)

To cancel out the general pussyness of Valentine's Day, I'm watching MAN MOVIES this month.

I'm starting the month with one of the greatest and least plausible action movies of the late 90s, Face/Off starring two of the most over-the-top actors of the 90s, John Travolta and the emperor of over-the-top performances, the man who owns a dinosaur skull, Nick Cage!

The movie premise is ludicrous...and awesome in its absurdity. After finally capturing the man who killed his son, Sean Archer, the head of a secret anti-terrorist organization, must cut off the face of his arch-nemesis, Castor Troy (totally sweet name, by the way) and wear it around while pretending to be Castor in an overly elaborate scheme to convince Castor's brother to give up the location of a bomb planted SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles.

Of course, then Castor wakes up from his coma and is super pissed to discover he no longer has a face so HE starts wearing Archer's face and becomes HIM so the two mortal enemies have become each other and since they're both totally pissed off they have to have a FACE OFF!

What I'm trying to tell you is that the plot doesn't matter; it's just an excuse to blow shit up and have everyone fire bullets at each other in slow motion while doves fly all over the place.

Speaking of doves, the movie is directed by over-the-top action specialist, John Woo, so you know exactly what to expect. Here's the totally kick-ass John Woo action movie checklist:

1) Barrels of gasoline sitting around for no apparent reason other than to be blown up....CHECK!

2) A bad guy who wields double pistols and makes heavy use of an infinite ammo cheat....CHECK!

3) Slow motion explosions, walking, gun battles...pretty much anything that looks cooler slower...CHECK!

4) Doves flying around inside a building (also in slow motion, mind you) for no other reason than to look cool flapping around during a Mexican stand-off...CHECK!

The action sequences in this scene are rather boss. Let's see...

There's the opening capture of Castor Troy at the airport...which is AWESOME!

There's the escape from the super-secret hidden prison from which there is no escape...which is AWESOME!

But the MOST awesome action scene is the raid on Dietrich's drug den when drug dealers and SWAT team members and hookers are all getting shot up while "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays in the background. What better song to be the soundtrack to a hooker's death than "Somewhere Over the Rainbow?"

Now I know this movie is over-the-top action movie madness, but there are a few things that I can't let fly without mentioning.

The first is the weird wiping-the-hand-down-people's-faces thing that the Archer family does. This is obviously supposed to fit into the theme of faces and all, but if someone in my family tried to drag their hand down the front of my face, I would bite their fucking fingers off.

The other thing that always bothers me is that while Castor is wearing Archer's face, he bangs Archer's wife. Ok. I get that he looks like Archer and he sounds like Archer, but are we meant to believe that these men have identical wangs as well? C'mon! Mrs. Archer had to notice that that was not her husband's cock. And do they fuck exactly the same? Wake up, lady! That is not your husband's cock in your mouth and now you have the herp!

Oh, and finally, I hate the ending where Archer replaces his dead son with Castor's estranged (and now orphaned) son, thus inviting into his family the son of the man who killed his son. What?

Still, one cannot fault a movie that allows Nicholas Cage to play not one but TWO parts in the same movie. I'm still waiting for a movie where ALL the parts are played by Nick Cage. Being Nick Cage! Someone make that shit happen!

Why It's Awesome:

John Travolta and Nick Cage face off in a totally unrealistic John Woo 90s action movie. WIN!

Best Quote:

{Dr. Walsh is brought in front of Castor Troy, who no longer has a face}
Dr. Walsh: What do you want?
Troy: Take one goddamn guess!