LoTR: Return of the King (2003)

The reason Return of the King is one of my favorite movies is that it is the culmination (CULMINATION!) of the greatest film trilogy known to man (sit down, George Lucas!). I saw this movie in the theaters and I wept during the final credits...wept like Leonardo DiCaprio after yet another Oscar snub, and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Individually, the three movies in the LotR trilogy are excellent movies, but, together, they make Baby Jesus weep tears of joy at their perfection. Watch the entire series back-to back-to back and you will know exactly what I'm talking about (as long as you have an extra 27 hours at your disposal).

With that in mind, I'm going to mock the movie because that's what I usually do, but please know that I do so with love...nothing but love. Soooooo...

...how much of a pussy is Frodo? Honestly? My favorite moment of the entire movie is when Sam has to LITERALLY carry the entire quest on his shoulders like he's metaphorically been doing since the dissolution of the Fellowship. I remember as a young lad reading about Frodo's "death" at the hands of the spider with the name of a black woman from Brooklyn and actually CHEERING. Then, of course, we learn that Frodo is not actually dead, and I cannot even describe my disappointment. I've never felt disappointment after learning that someone is still alive, but I did when I discovered that Frodo was just useless and not DOA.

The only problem I have with the EPIC battle scenes in the last two movies is that they all end the exact same way: with a MIRACULOUS late arrival of some ally force that turns the tide of the battle. I get the whole "no matter what the odds are good will overcome evil if they have the strength to persevere" thing, but, seriously. c'mon! The Battle of Helm's Deep ends with the MIRACULOUS arrival of Gandalf and his Rohan Riders. The Battle of Minas Tirith includes two MIRACULOUS arrivals with the Rohan army's arrival and then, when that goes to shit, Aragorn shows up with his ghost army (which is kind of ridiculous and a bit too deus ex machina). Oh, and let's not forget the MIRACULOUS arrival of the eagles (who didn't do shit the entire War of the Ring) when Frodo and Sam are about to take a nice, hot lava bath.

The thing most people ignore about the books and film is that Tolkien is a hardcore racist. All the people fighting the Dark Lord are straight-up white folk (the elves are, like, the whitest of white people) and then all the allies of Sauron are black or Middle Eastern. They're even referred to as corrupt men from "The East." Tolkien could have served as George W. Bush's Secretary of Propaganda. The message is clear: In Middle Earth, if you ain't white, you ain't right.

In spite of all that and anything else one can say about the movie, that final scene were Frodo, Gandalf, and the elves leave Middle Earth to go to Elf Heaven (or whatever the hell it is) is absolute cinematic perfection. As the boat disappears into the vanilla sky, you can't help but recognize you're not only saying good-bye to some of the most beloved characters in literature (and Frodo) but also the single greatest cinematic fantasy epic known to man, elves, or dwarves.

Why It's Awesome: A midget and his gay lover topple the Lord of Darkness. Is there a better underdog story in literature or cinema (besides Rocky)?

Best Quote:

Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you, you bitch!

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

If Frodo is the lamest, weakest protagonist in literature, Sauron matches his lameness as the main antagonist. Saruman does all the heavy lifting in the first two movies until his defeat at the end of the second film of the trilogy while Sauron does nothing but LOOK AT STUFF! He never even regains physical form. The most evil thing he actually does throughout all three movies is blink.

The story splits into three narratives here. There's the Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent, The Frodo/Sam/Gollum tangent, and then the main action involves the trio of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli trying to defend Rohan from Saruman's Urak-hai army.

The Pippin/Merry/Treebeard tangent is boring as shit until the trees get all pissed off and kick the holy hell out of Saruman and Isengard, which Saruman in all his infinite wisdom left totally unguarded. The tangent does develop the theme of nature vs. industry that is prevalent throughout the trilogy. Tolkien served in the first World War, the last war where horses were used and the tank made its debut in warfare. It's obvious which side of the argument he was on. While the ogres make use of the fires of industry to fuel their war machine, Treebeard and his Ent army come and stomp all over it using wood and water.

The most exciting tangent is Isengard's invasion of Rohan that culminates in the Battle of Helm's Deep. Best name in the entire series: Grima Wormtongue. Man is that guy creepy! The movie is all about the final Battle of Helm's Deep, a battle that is fairly insignificant in the novel, but it's the main event of the second film. It's siege warfare at its finest with the humans barricaded behind the walls of Helm's Deep while tens of thousands of Urak-hai attempt to destroy the human population. Really the huge disadvantage the humans have in terms of numbers doesn't seem to matter because Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli seem to be in GOD MODE. Do these guys even get a scratch? Anyways, it's still badass. Only nine total humans survive until Gandalf miraculously returns to save the day.

The final tangent involves the bromance of Frodo and Sam being invaded by the walking baby fetus, Gollum. Wow. How great a job does Andy Serkis do in this? How was he not nominated for an Oscar? Of course, this is the WORST story tangent. Frodo succeeds at doing exactly one thing in this movie: getting captured. Man does he suck. It is entertaining to watch the Sam/Gollum rivalry escalate as they battle for Frodo's affection. So gay...

Storyline-wise, this is the worst of the trio, but action-wise, it's easily the best. It sends Saruman packing and sets up the final War of the Ring as Frodo stumbles and whines his way toward Mt. Doom.

Why It's Awesome:

How satisfying is it to watch TREES kick someone's ass? Almost as satisfying as watching Aragorn and Gimli dive off a ladder into THOUSANDS of Urak-hai and survive. God Mode engaged!

Best Quote (the now legendary):

Gollum: My precious...

The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Here's some advice: if you have something really, really important that needs to get done, don't put the weakest, lamest, and overall most pathetic member of your posse in charge of doing it.

The Lord of the Rings represents the ultimate road trip AND underdog story ever told. It was often considered one of those unfilmable stories because of its epic stature and scope, but Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting Tolkien's trilogy into three quality films. Are they perfect reflections of the books? No, but they shouldn't be. Books and movies are two different beasts. Just watch Hunger Games if you want to see what happens when a movie tries to be a direct reflection of its source material (hint: it sucks).

The Fellowship is my least favorite of the trilogy, but it's still an excellent movie. The main problem with the first installment is that there's just too damn much exposition required to even get the story rolling. Really, the story doesn't start until the fellowship is formed in Rivendell and that doesn't happen until an hour and a half into the extended version! Not only do we need to know the history of The One Ring, but we also need a synopsis of the events from The Hobbit before we can step foot outside the Shire. That's a ton of bullshit.

Although the large battle scenes are reserved for the latter two films, there are still some truly legendary action set pieces in The Fellowship. The whole Moria sequence is amazing with the battle against the cave troll and then the escape from the badass Balrog. And even though you know Gandalf is going to show up later, that moment when he scrambles to get back up on the bridge, accepts his fate, says, "Fly, you fools!" and then falls into the abyss packs an emotional punch especially with the music and the slow motion and the acting...all house.

When you take a look at the actual Fellowship, it's a hodge-podge of awesomeness with one minor exception:

Gandalf: wizard badass
Aragorn: Ranger badass
Boromir: slightly-misguided badass
Legolas: elven badass
Gimli: dwarven badass
Sam: most loyal mother fucker in the Shire
Merry and Pippin: humorous gay hobbit couple
Frodo: whiny douche

And out of the nine (five of which could fit into a child's car seat), who do they entrust the ring to? THE WHINY DOUCHE! Frodo is the WORST member of the Fellowship! During the course of the first movie, he gets skewered TWICE (once by the cave troll and the other by the Witch King), gets infected by Nazgul AIDS, has to get rescued by Liv Tyler (shameful...), and then ABANDONS the entire group. HE SUCKS!

And don't tell me he's the only one who won't become corrupted by The Ring because guess what? HE DOES! All they had to do was shove The Ring into an envelop, hand it to Gandalf or Aragorn, and have them truck it to Mt. Doom. Gandalf isn't effected by The Ring when it's in the envelop earlier in the movie so the whole "whiny douche" hurdle could have been avoided.

Of course, then we wouldn't have two more movies to enjoy and 47 more hours of Middle Earth drama to enjoy. ONWARD!

Why It's Awesome:

My favorite member of The Fellowship is Boromir (the only member NOT to make it through the first movie). The only thing that eases my pain at Boromir's loss is that he goes out LIKE A BOSS! Three arrows in him and he still kicks Uruk-hai ass. That's hardcore.

Best Quote:

Saruman:Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man-flesh. 

Saruman:

There and Back Again

In honor of this month's release of the first of The Hobbit trilogy, I'm setting off for Mordor and watching all 97 hours of the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. These three movies represent the greatest trilogy in film history (Star Wars geeks can say what they want, but that craptastic prequel trilogy tainted the original trilogy...hopefully The Hobbit prequel trilogy won't do the same for LotR).

So get ready to join the fellowship and truck around Middle Earth with Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, and the living abortion creature, Gollum, as we slog from The Shire to Mount Doom using nothing but our disgustingly hairy feet.

ONWARD!