Bernie (2011)

I always enjoy a movie that surprises me...pleasantly.

The mockumentary, Bernie, was a surprisingly enjoyable movie. I wasn't sure what to expect going in, but it was both interesting and entertaining. Certainly we all know Jack Black's usual zany hijinks, but he was absolutely perfect in this role with more homosexuality and less zane. The whole thing is based on the true story of Bernie Tiede, a popular and obviously homosexual mortician, who befriends a wealthy, bitchy widow who he ends up murdering after tiring of her bullshit. He goes on trial, but he's so beloved by the townspeople that they push for his release...even though he's guilty as hell.

The cast is small but fantastic. Jack Black is great in the lead - sympathetic with a hint of sleaze. Then you have Shirley MacLaine coming out of retirement to play the bitchiest bitch of all film bitches. I wanted to kill that bitch way before Bernie finally pulled the trigger. Then you've got the always excellent Matthew McConaughey playing a southern lawyer...he's hilarious. The best part of this movie, though, is that members of the actual town where Bernie lived have talking head roles in the movie. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey's mom is in the movie, too. How do you beat that?

The movie is basically a documentary with reenactments of the larger events of the drama being performed by the actual actors. The movie is an exploration of morality and how perhaps one immoral act shouldn't tarnish a person's lifetime of kindness. Of course, the law is more than happy to judge a person based on a single act which is probably why Bernie is serving a life sentence instead of gaying it up all over Texas.

In conclusion, this is one of those movies that a cinephile has to watch every once in a while. In the midst of all the blockbusters and CGI liquid dumps, every now and then you simply need to watch a movie that is subtle and tells a human tale to remind you what it's like to be a human being on planet Earth. That's Bernie.

Why It's Surprisingly Awesome:

Jack Black is in a movie that isn't stupidly funny. That's pretty awesome right there.

Best Quote:

Crazy Church Lady: I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.

Red Dawn (1984)

In honor of the rapedown the original Red Dawn is taking this weekend at the box office via its truly awful modern remake, I'm reposting my Red Dawn review.

Hollywood should just give up on these 80s remakes. The 80s was a magical time when everyone was on coke and had perms and its glory can never be recaptured...EVER! The reason the original worked was because, at the time, Russia invading the United States was at least a possibility. Unfortunately for the remake, no one believes the NORTH KOREANS could ever successfully invade the United States. I am more afraid of Canada invading than North Korea. Why didn't they just keep the Chinese as the invaders? China is the only country in the world capable of a successful invasion of the United States. North Korea...PLEASE!

Here's the original review:
World War III has broken out and the Communist forces land and attack the most dangerous strategic American stronghold they can find...a redneck high school. The movie is infamous for being the first PG-13 movie in cinematic history and it earns that rating...with a vengeance! Within the first five minutes of the film, the Communists shoot up a school, kill a black teacher, and shoot up a bunch of 80's cars. They're totally badass! And apparently, nearly half of their arsenal is RPG's. I'm telling you, these Commies fire RPG after RPG after RPG and then the Wolverines steal their weapons and THEY'RE firing RPG after RPG after RPG. Nothing but kickass explosions for two hours...80'S STYLE!!!

And then, with the Communists in complete control, the only people who can fight back for America are...a bunch of redneck high school kids. And here's where the movie fully surrenders itself to the ridiculous. This group of teens, which, granted, contains Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Jeanie Bueller, and Lea "I fucked a Duck" Thomson, totally pwn the entire communist army. Why do these guys who successfully invade the United States suck so terribly at fighting that they can't even eradicate a couple of teenagers? The Wolverines don't suffer a single casualty until almost halfway through the movie.

And that's why this movie is the most ridiculous piece of Pro American propaganda bullshit ever. I'm sure Reagan was the executive producer of this thing. Basically this movie's message is that even if the communists SOMEHOW would have successfully invaded America, the American people would rise up and defeat the evil invaders.

Well, let me tell you, I hope in the remake the Chinese invade and, like real Americans, the Wolverines just sit on their ass and do jack shit because that's exactly what would happen. If we were invaded, America would not rise up and defeat its invaders. No, instead, it would roll over and die like an old dog welcoming death. America has no fight left in it. We our a 500 obese man watching Jerry Springer on the sofa. That's America in the New Millennium.

WOLVERINES!!!
Why It's Awesome: Shit blows up nearly every 30 seconds.

Best Line:
Colonol: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid.
Robert: It keeps me warm.

30 Days of Night (2007)

In honor of the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part II, the movie franchise that ruined vampire movies and turned one of cinema's most terrifying creatures into pussified pansies, I'm reviewing one of the few films in the past decade to portray vampires at the truly badass creatures of the night they are meant to be...30 Days of Night!

Based on the graphic novel, the premise for the movie is brilliant. Vampires invade Borrow, Alaska during the month the town will be without sun for a 30-day all-you-can-eat buffet. So not only does this movie have the usual horror movie thrills , but it also has a groovy Ann Frank vibe to it as the survivors try to outlast the horde of vampires for 30 days.

Oh, and the vampires? They are BADASS! These mother fuckers aren't glittering in the sunlight like a bunch of pansies. No, these are straight-up predators. Fuck fangs! These vampires have a mouth full of shark teeth! Do they have to ask permission to enter your house? Nah. They'll just break in, murder your entire family, and skewer you with a hot fireplace poker. They're constantly covered in blood and they hunt in packs and leap on people like rapid wolves and tear out people's throats and speak gibberish that no one understands! It's awesome!

The vampires are so hardcore I can even overlook the fact that Josh "Pearl Harbor" Hartnett is the lead. Most of the cast is nothing but blood donors, but they're serviceable. The movie is dark and avoids many of the usual horror movie cliches. The violence is brutal and bloody, there are no funny quips or one-liners, and the movie relies more on atmosphere than cheap scares. Oh, and it also wins an award for refusing to cut away during an axe decapitation. They straight up show that shit.

And the ending? It's right up there with The Mist as one of the top endings of the oughts. Here's the scenario: Josh Hartnett's estranged wife and some kid who shows up out of nowhere are trapped under a car while the entire town burns all around them and the vampires celebrate their total ass rapage of the town. They're either going to burn to death or get their asses drained of blood...unless Pearl Harbor boy does something. So he actually INFECTS HIMSELF WITH VAMPIRE BLOOD so he can fight the head vamp, Marlow, all jacked up on vampire blood. So Josh and Marlow duke it out until Josh PUNCHES THROUGH THE DUDE'S SKULL! So awesome. Then the final scene of the movie is Josh's face burning off as the sun rises on the horizon.

Now that's how you end a fucking movie!

Why It's Awesome:

This is what vampires should be: brutal, blood-thirsty, and obviously Eastern European. FUCK TWILIGHT!

Best Quote:

Marlow: When man meets a force he can't destroy, he destroys himself. What a plague you are.