Wedding Crashers (2005)

This is a tough one for me. Wedding Crashers starts out as another raunchy frat pack comedy in the same vein as 40-Year-Old Virgin, but then midway through it transforms into a sopping wet bitch of a romantic comedy.

It's strange. You have to watch it a couple times before you even realize the 180 the movie takes. The movie opens strong. In the first ten minutes there's a montage full of breasts! That's awesome. You assume that HAS to be the start of nothing but good things. Even the premise makes you feel pretty safe in the fact that you won't have to feel any real emotions for an hour-and-a-half. Two guys crash weddings in an attempt to hook up with hot chicks? They certainly can't screw that up...

The leads are solid. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the perfect pair to pull off the premise. They get help from Christopher Walken and a cameo by Will Ferrell (who contributes to the funniest ten minutes of the movie). The dark horse here is Bradley Cooper, who wasn't well known when the film came out in 2005, but the guy plays the PERFECT dickhead boyfriend. McAdams and Fisher are great, too.

Maybe there just wasn't enough juice in the premise to pull off a feature length film, but, as soon as they get to the Cleary's house after the senator's daughter's wedding, the sappiness creeps in. It's never a full breach, but it's noticeable. It's a funny movie, don't get me wrong, but Owen's turn to the Pussy Side kind of drops it a few notches on the awesomeness scale. Plus the Dark Night of the Soul section of the film is way, way too dark for a comedy. They've got Owen laid up in his home reading books on suicide. Too much, man.

I guess my real beef with the film is the premise itself. Who would bother to go to all the trouble of crashing weddings when you can just go to a bar and pick up drunk chicks? Weddings are THE WORST! The food is always undercooked or cold and then you've got some asshole DJ trying to force you to have a good time when all you want to do is fill up at the taco bar and go home. Then you gotta sit through the painful wedding rituals like the bouquet toss and the garter and the cutting of the stupid cake that is never as good as it looks like it's gonna be and the entire time you're thinking to yourself, "How soon can I leave without looking like a total asshole?"

God I hate weddings...

Why It's (for the most part) Awesome: In spite of my issues with the premise and the head dive into vagina country, it's still a pretty funny flick. Isla Fisher's crazy virgin act? WIN! The creepy gay brother? WIN! The night rape scene? WIN! Christopher Walken? FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Best Quote:

Chazz: MA! MEATLOAF!

Dead Man on Campus (1998)

The cover of this movie says that it’s the best college comedy since Animal House. One word: FALSE! That honor would go to Old School. Is this the best college comedy you can watch on television on a rainy Sunday afternoon? No, probably not, but it’s still worth watching if there’s nothing better on for one reason…ZACK MORRIS!

In this movie Zack Morris and some other douche are roommates in college who spend their days drinking and smoking and generally not studying. When they discover they’re on the verge of getting kicked out of school, they plan on taking advantage of a loophole in the college charter that states that anyone whose roommate commits suicide gets straight A’s. So they venture out to find the most suicidal student on campus to move in with them and boost their GPAs.

The humor is something most people might find hilarious only if they’re really, really high, but some of it is actually pretty funny. Lochlyn Munro steals the show with his insane frat boy, Cliff (“Do you ever get horny?”) with his couch humping and weird interior mouth licking. Actually, all the roommates are pretty funny. In addition to Cliff, there’s also the paranoid roommate who thinks Bill Gates is trying to steal his brain and the suicidal rocker and lead singer of Kiss My Ass who turns out not only to be NOT suicidal but not even British!

The supporting cast definitely outshines Zack Morris and that other dude. My favorite part about watching this movie in 2K12 is that Marshall and Lilly of How I Met Your Mother fame round out the supporting cast. Actually, if you replace Zack Morris’ s roommate, Josh, with Barney and Poppy “I never forget anything” Montgomery with Kelly Kapowski, this might actually be a pretty decent flick.
My words are my sperm/spewing forth my tragic germ…

Why It's Not so Awesome: If I had to choose a subject to NOT make a comedy about, suicide would be in the top three. I hope there's a sequel where Josh and Cooper sponsor a girl who wants to get an abortion or where they pretend to have AIDS for some kind of scholarship because those are also awesome subjects for a comedy.

Best Quote:

Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?
Cooper: Depends where you're going with this.

Swingers (1996)

Contrary to what the title may lead you to believe, this is not a porn...

Swingers represents one of those rare low-budget movies that gains cult status mainly through its snappy dialogue and tools have been talking like Vince Vaughn ever since. "You're so money, baby!"

The script is based off of Jon Favreau's real life experiences acting like a total bitch after breaking up with his girlfriend and moving from New York to LA. His real life friends, Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston (of Office Space fame), play his film friends who attempt to get him laid and convince him to quit being such a pussy...to no avail.

The cast is amazing sans Favreau. Favreau belongs behind the camera. His few leading roles have all been epic fails and this one is no exception. He's just too whiny and unlikable and ugly to gain any kind of real sympathy. He just comes off as pathetic. Vaughn only has a career because of this role (he also did his best acting in this film, ironically, playing himself). He was so money he didn't even know how money he was! And Livingston is serviceable doing his underwhelming Average Joe routine.

If this movie proves anything, it's that smart writing will make up for a lack of funds and big budgets don't make great films. The writing (where Favreau DOES shine) makes this movie the classic it has become. There are so many money shots which don't even know how money they are:

- The opening Vegas scene where Mike and Trent are all jacked to go to Vegas but it takes forever to get there and then, when they finally do, it sucks...because that's what a trip to Vegas is actually like!

- The scene where Trent and Sue play SEGA hockey is the single most authentic male bonding scene ever filmed...ever. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here."

- The scene at the bar where the guys are talking about how long one should wait before calling a potential bang partner is another truly authentic view into the male psyche. "Two days is like industry standard."

- The answering machine conversation scene is downright painful to watch, but anyone who's ever said anything stupid and botched a bang attempt can certainly relate.

- There's also this great underrated scene where Mike and Rob are discussing Mike's past relationship while they play chip and putt (and quite poorly, I might add). I don't know why, but I think that's my favorite scene because they literally could have had the guys doing anything during that scene, but having them play chip and putt was MONEY!

Another mark of a great film is that it references other great films. Swingers pays homage to Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs, another low-budget masterpiece. The first time I saw that slow motion walking scene, ala Reservoir Dogs, I nearly pissed my pants.

If I had to choose one word to describe this movie, it would certainly be...excellent...wait, no! IT'S MONEY!

Why It's Awesome: This movie is a slap in the face to big budget fart stains like Avatar. It's just a couple of guys fucking around and trying to get laid. It was made for pocket change, and it's better than anything James Cameron will ever make.

Best Quote:

Trent: You're so money you don't even know how money you are!

The NeverEndng Story (1984)

Children's movies in the 80s kicked so much ass. They didn't treat kids like fragile pussies like today's kid movies. The NeverEnding Story is another pre-CGI children's movie in the same vein as Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal that made use of puppets and make-up to create elaborate fantasy creatures and characters instead of having a computer destroy the last remnants of imagination.

TNES is a movie about the importance of books...which doesn't make any sense. A loser kid who is constantly bullied jacks a book from an old man who hates children The book is about a magical world called Fantasia that is being wiped out by Global Warming, but they don't call it that; they call it "The Nothing." A young boy warrior must go on a quest to save the life of the Child-like Empress, the only person who can save Fantasia, but none of the pharmacies will take his insurance so she's fucked.

The reason I hold this film in such high regard is that it contains the single saddest scene ever filmed...EVER. Remember how you felt when Mufasa died in Lion King? Well imagine you're watching that scene and simultaneously being told your entire family has died in a horrible plane crash...and that you have AIDS.

Of course I speak of the infamous Artex death scene in The Swamp of Sadness. Atreyu, our boy warrior, is trying to pass through the swamp with his beloved horse, Artex, and the horse goes all emo on him. As everyone knows, the Swamp of Sadness swallows anyone who allows his despair to overwhelm him and this horse starts sinking into the swamp and Atreyu is screaming and pleading for him to move, to fight, to overcome his sadness and not to leave him. Then the camera cuts away. When it returns, the horse is gone and Atreyu is bawling in the swamp - alone.

The best part is that this all happens in the first 20 minutes of the film! It's like, "Hey, welcome to our movie. Oh, by the way, THIS KID'S HORSE IS TOTALLY DEAD!" I've included the scene below for your enjoyment.

That's not the only downer in the film, either. There's the Rockbiter's epically depressing speech about how he wasn't strong enough to save his friends from oblivion ("They look like strong hands...don't they?") and then, oh yeah, the entire world ends and everyone dies! How do you like them apples, kids?!

Honestly, this movie is ludicrously depressing so don't show it to your 21st Century child or else its fragile mind will cave in on itself and the kid will wet its bed until the age of fifteen. Just stick with your happy horseshit animated flicks and tell your kid that the world is full of rainbows and hugs...UNTIL YOUR HORSE SINKS INTO A SWAMP AND DIES!

Welcome to reality, bitches!

Why It's Awesome: It's like a more German version of Lord of the Rings without all the midgets. There's a rock-eating giant and an Oracle with boobs and a racing snail and a bitchy turtle and a philosophical werewolf. And who wouldn't want to ride that white dragon/dog around?

Best Quote:

G'Mork (the philosophical werewolf): Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!