Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

In honor of Leap Day, I'm reviewing a movie that should only be witnessed once every four...lifetimes. This is it. The worst movie of all time. I present to you the tour-de-force that is BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR!

This movie makes The Room look like Citizen Kane. If Troll 2 is the best worst movie, then Birdemic is the worst worst movie.
So what makes this movie so horrendous? Where to begin...

Let's start with the nonsensical plot. The first 40 minutes of the film focus on some douche who makes million-dollar sales for some computer company (with stock options!) and a slutty model who lands a job with Victoria's Secret after taking a couple photos at a convenience store. They speak nonsense to one another, dance like white people at a restaurant where they're the only people there, and then after the chick tells the douche she likes him for respecting her, he takes her to a cheap motel and bangs her like a common whore.

And then...IT HAPPENS!

Because they're pissed about global warming, eagles start crashing into gas stations and BLOWING UP (since everyone knows eagles are 80% pure gasoline) and slitting people's throats...with their wings. And yes, all this does actually happen in the film.

Not only is the plot THE WORST but everything about this film makes The Wicker Man seem watchable.

The dialogue is THE WORST! The jibba jab coming out of these people's mouths sounds like someone took a movie originally written in Mandarin Chinese and just translated it straight to English.

The acting is THE WORST! All the actors come across as pod people doing their best impersonation of what they think people act and speak like.

The sound editing is THE WORST! There's feedback throughout the entire movie almost to the point it drowns out the dialogue (not a bad thing) and when the actors are near the ocean you can't even hear what they're saying over the waves.

But the worst of the worst are the special effects...which are THE WORST! Instead of calling them special effects they should just straight up call them what they are, which is retarded effects. The birds are superimposed on the screen and are capable of floating without flapping their wings. The same shot of the birds approaching and a single bird getting shot are used over and over and over again.

A truly great bad movie should make the viewer feel as if his or her soul has been raped upon watching it and there's no amount of showering that will ever rid you of the stink of...BIRDEMIC!

Why It Sucks Dick: This sums up this movie's stupidity. After the birds attack for NO REASON, the two main characters join up with this army dude and a hooker. The army dude arms the quartet with clothes hangers...yes hangers...to fight off the birds. Then when he gets to his shitty van he's got an AK-47 (no joke). So he chose to fight with hangers rather than a machine gun. And thus is the greatness that is...BIRDEMIC!

Best Quote:
Ramsey: Where's Becky?
Rod: She's taking a shit. Nathalie is watching her back.

A Night at the Roxbury (1998)

WHAT IS LOVE?!

Saturday Night Live movies run the gamut from legendary (Wayne's World) to total abortions (It's Pat!) Night at the Roxbury falls on the positive side of the scale, and, even though I'm fully aware it isn't a great movie, for some reason I still laugh my ass off watching it.

EMILLLLLLIIIOOOOOO!

First of all, this is the only movie where Will Ferrell plays second fiddle to Chris Kattan. Say what you want about equal accreditation, Kattan carries the movie and Steve (although funnier) is obviously Doug's bitch. Of course, this is pre-Old School and pre-Anchorman, hits that would go on to cement Ferrell as the funnyman of the oughts. Kattan, on the other hand, would go on to make the abysmal Corky Romano and end up as a supporting cast member on the fairly decent television show, The Middle, but in 1998, both were just SNL funnymen.

AND I WAS LIKE, EMILLLLLLIOOOOO!

The movie plays it smart by using all the running gags from the SNL skits in the first five minutes of the film, meaning that the rest of the movie is fresh material. The movie is a classic underdog tale. Doug and Steve Butabi are two Rico Suave club-hopping sons-of-bitches who dream of owning their own nightclub. Of course, the problem is that most times, they can't even get inside of the nightclubs.

That is, until the night they meet RICHARD GRIECO!

See? Even writing about it is funny. This movie is just harmless tomfoolery at its 90s best...or at least fairly goodness. There are some funny moments like how the bros are still throwing out pick-up lines while the two sluts are trying to bang them and their obsession with whip-its and Molly Shannon (back in the 90s when she was still funny) describing interior decorating while simultaneously having an orgasm. Oh, and do I need to even mention the greatest wedding vows ever spoken by man?

"I used to see you outside of my father’s store, and then we went on some dates, and then you let me have sex with you."

Sniff...that brings a tear to my eye...

I also love Mr. Butabi's line about Steve not being able to back out of the wedding because the caterer is already paid for. That's the God-honest truth, man. Once that shit is paid for, you're fucked.

The sad part about this movie is that real life club rats are never this fun. They're always wearing aviators and their shirts have mysteriously disappeared and they dance around the club dry-humping any chick unfortunate enough to slip into their dancing orbit with their acid-fueled boners. Not a pretty sight...

Why It's Underrated: C'mon! It's Will Ferrell in a shiny suit and sideburns playing second-fiddle to a guy who dressed up as a caveman and spit apples into celebrities' faces. It's funny! C'mon!

Best Quote:

Mr. Zadir: Dooey, did you just grab my ass?


Dooey (halfway across the room): Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.

Mr. Zadir: Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey.

The Others (2001)

I don't review many horror/suspense movies and there's a reason for that: most are epically stupid in nature. Although it was described to me as just the opposite, The Others was no different.

There are two things I learned from watching The Others:

1. You DO NOT want to work for Nicole Kidman.
2. Nicole Kidman hates Jesus.

The movie takes place during World War II at a manor in Britain where a reclusive woman (Nicole Kidman) takes in three new servants to watch over the house and her two children, who are such pussies that the sun hurts them. This just goes to prove that people from England are all prissy, tea-drinking wuss-bags.

So three people show up to work for Kidman and she just treats them like steaming piles of horse turds right from the start. At first I didn't even realize this was a movie; I just thought it was a reality show about how Nicole Kidman is a bitch and mistreats her servants, but, alas, it was in fact a movie.

So these are the ground rules Kidman lays out for her new slaves - I mean, servants:

1) No making noise...EVER!
2) No sunlight
3) Before you open a door, you must close the door you used to enter the room in an epically annoying procedure simply to get from one room to another
4) No access to phones, radios, or grand pianos (That bitch!)
5) Daily searches will take place for intruders and Kidman is the only one who gets to hold the shotgun
6)And the old guy has to live outside in a shed!

Not only is she a bitch to the servants, but she abuses the piss out of her children, too. She locks them in random rooms alone and forces them to study. And, as punishment, she forced her daughter to read from the Bible for three straight days. And I guess her bad behavior maxes out at suffocating her children with a pillow when they speak out of turn.

She's such a hardcore bitch that when her husband returns from the war, he bangs her once and then hits the high road. Smart man...

So the big TWIIIIIIIIIST in the movie is that Nicole and her children and the servants and everyone in the entire movie is actually dead....SHOCKER! Actually it's not. I figured Kidman was dead from the beginning with how fucking pale she was, but someone told me then that that's just how she looks.

As far as hating Jesus, Kidman spends the entire movie blabbering about how her little brat children are going to end up in limbo when they die because they're such little bastards, but, in reality, all of them are haunting the house, meaning everything in the Bible is bullshit. Take THAT Christianity!

Anyways, I was more shocked the first time I saw the movie when it was called The Sixth Sense...

Why It's Mediocre: Just another Sixth Sense rip-off with an Australian playing an English woman at a house that's supposed to be in England but is actually in Spain. Lame...

Best Quote:

Mrs. Mills (to the little girl): "Look what an awful face you've got when you cry."