National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

My parents' generation had Miracle on 34th Street; my generation has National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the best Christmas movie of the Millennial generation. Watching this movie (in spite of its crass language and partial nudity) has become a holiday tradition in many families' households every December and there's an easy reason why...it's freakin' hilarious and easily the best of all the Vacation flicks.

Christmas Vacation highlights everything that sucks about the holidays:

1) Searching for the "perfect" Christmas tree in the freezing cold

2) Visiting with pain-in-the-ass relatives

3) Hanging Christmas lights that never work

4) Realizing you're too old to go sledding

5) Having your shitter be full

It's perfect satire because we all look so fondly on all these holiday traditions, but, in reality, they're kind of a pain in the ass. Like Clark, we get our hopes up, dreaming of a perfect holiday with family, but nothing ever goes smoothly, and, even when it does, no one really notices or appreciates it.

Actually, Clark's disaster holiday is fairly tame by modern standards. Today he would be sprayed with mace trying to buy an X-box or trampled trying to enter a Walmart and he'd be divorced and Rusty would be secretly free-basing in the laundry room and Audrey would be pregnant and blow guys for a ride to the mall. Let's face it, late 80s disasters were nothing compared to the shit that goes down in the New Millennium.

Speaking of the Griswold family, this is easily my favorite family line-up. Of course you've got Chevy as the patriarch and his boner-inducing wife, Beverly D'Angelo, but the kids are by far the best of the series with the head nerd from Big Bang Theory taking over the reigns of Rusty and then Juliet "The Other Sister" Lewis stepping in as Audrey.

Anyways, that's it for the reviews for 2011. May your holidays be merry and all your shitters be full!

Why It's Awesome: John Hughes has a special talent for finding humor (as dark as it may be sometimes) in everyday situations and no one will ever capture the horror of the holidays better than this movie, which he wrote. The Griswolds are every family who dreams of a perfect holiday...and fail to achieve it.

Best Quotes (All of which have found their way into our family lexicon):

"SQUIRREL!!!"

"I'm gonna get you something (tongue click) reeeal niiiiice."

"That there's an RV."

"They want you to say grace...THE BLESSING!"

"Shitter's full!"

Die Hard (1988)

Yippee-Ki-Yay...Father Christmas!

Most families gather around to watch Miracle on 34th Street or The Grinch during the holiday season, but those people are pussies! If you're hardcore for the holidays then you already know DIE HARD is not only the greatest non-traditional Christmas movie ever but the greatest...action movie...of ALL TIME!

There's not much to say about this film that hasn't been said for the past 20+ years. Its perfection lies in its simplicity. Take one average joe cop (John McClane is THE greatest everyman character in action), pit him against 13 badass terrorists/robbers (Alan Rickman practically perfects the slick and intelligent villain here), stick them all in a building in a battle royale and you have hardcore perfection.

And can we talk about the title here for a second? Die Hard? That is fuckin' awesome! You know exactly what you're getting into with a title like that. People are going to die, and, not only are they going to die, but they're going to die...HARD! No one's going to die quietly in their bed. No, people are going to get thrown off buildings and down stairwells, blown up with C4, and shot in the dick multiple times. Now that's dying HARD! This movie also has some of the best translations ever. In Hungarian, the title is Give Your Life Expensive and in Serbia it's called Die Manly...awesome...

Die Hard is the pinnacle of the 80s/90s action genre that officially died in 1999 when The Matrix blew up and we moved from everyman heroes to "super" heroes, a trend that still, unfortunately, continues to this day. Just for a comparison, Neo dodges bullets and kills a guy by entering inside of him and exploding out while John McClane runs across broken glass in his bare feet and kills a guy by throwing him down a flight of fucking stairs and snapping his neck. Now you tell me which one is more hardcore (and realistic)! All these heroes nowadays need super powers to stop the bad guys. All John McClane needed was a gun and a wifebeater! DEATH TO THE SUPER HERO GENRE!

But I digress. One last area where Die Hard succeeds above all others is the key area of the Carl Winslow factor. That's right, the dad from Family Matters is John's black cop buddy on the outside playing, essentially, Carl Winslow. Dealing with terrorists is probably a walk in the park compared to dealing with Steve Urkel on a daily basis. Did I do thaaaaat?

Why It's Awesome: It's scientifically proven to be the greatest action movie of all time. John McClane is one of the great icons of action with his funny witticisms after murdering people and Hans Gruber is one of the great villains in cinema. The skyscraper serves as the perfect backdrop for all the raw action that builds and builds and never lets up. They don't make action movies like this anymore.

Best Quote (Besides the obvious):

Hans Gruber: I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest - of - his life.

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

There's nothing less traditional than a movie about a guy who has scissors for hands.

This is easily the best example of the basic plot line, "A Stranger Comes to Town" in cinematic history. The introduction of a strange, cyborg-like man created in a lab who has scissors for hands into a suburban neighborhood of gossip-crazed busybodies is the perfect recipe for disaster and the ordeal says more about the nature of the neighbors than it does about the "freak" they ostracize. It's a lot like Frankenstein in that regard, an exploration of monstrosity and the basic need we have as human beings to belong.

This is such an odd movie, but it's an example of how an original idea in Hollywood can work when you have the right people involved. No director could have made this movie besides Tim Burton. This is the pinnacle of his work and started his trend of super pale people in his trademark films. Likewise, could you imagine this movie without Danny Elfman's music? Music is often an overlooked aspect of films, but when it's done right...wow. And this is music done right.

The film is cast well, too. Johnny Depp does a lot with his 169 words throughout the entire film. He has a silent film actor vibe in this movie where he does a lot of acting with his eyes, his walk, and his...scissors. Diane West is just adorable as the mother and Alan Arkin (who is always great) does a lot in an uncelebrated role as the clueless, emotionally stagnant father. The only flaw is the cute but mediocre Winona Ryder. The only thing she doesn't steal is the scenes she's in (ZING!). Oh, and how about Anthony Michael Hall transforming from 80s geek to 90s dickhead in this one? Nicely done, sir.

I always forget how funny this movie is. Acts I and II as Edward's integrating himself into suburbia are actually pretty hilarious (how about that lemonade scene?), but the film takes an extremely dark turn in Act III. It's abrupt and things go downhill fast and it's that last third that leaves an impact on the viewer. As someone who grew up in suburbia, it's truly the most horrifying place imaginable and few films do a better job of capturing the quiet and quaint insanity of the 'burbs (the only movie that does it better is The 'Burbs).

Of course, viewing a movie like this with such a unique character does bring up a few interesting questions:

1) How does Edward go to the bathroom?
2) Does he even have a penis?
3) Where is he getting those giant chunks of ice to carve up at his isolated mansion in Florida?

But I suppose those are questions for another day...

Why It's Awesome: A humanoid creation with scissors for hands shows up in suburbia - a truly creative and original premise that plays out flawlessly on screen. But seriously, did Vincent Price give him a penis? Here's a question for all you guys: would you rather have no hands or no penis? I guess what good is the penis without the hands? Of course, I guess that's what Winona was for...

Best Quote:

Jim's Van Friend (talking about Edward and Kim): Forget about holding her hand, man. Think about the damage he could do to other places.

Gremlins (1984)

We're starting off this month of non-traditional Christmas movies with one of the least traditional of all-time, Steven Spielberg's Gremlins, a movie that, on the surface, seems to be about a strange race of creatures who multiply if you don't follow specific rules. What most people don't realize, though, is that this movie is actually an elaborate and perverted metaphor for the dangers of unprotected sex.

Stay with me here...

Our protagonist is a strange man-child named Billy, some loser douche who still lives with his parents and acts like a child but looks like he's about thirty. It's obvious from his demeanor and his Jewfro that he is a hardcore virgin. His love interest is Phoebe Cates, one of the greatest sex icons of the 80s (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, anyone?). It's obvious he has no idea how to handle his dong.

So he receives a gift, a Mogwai named Gizmo, and he's instructed to follow strict rules to ensure its safety and that it doesn't multiply:

1. Don't expose it to bright lights.
2. Don't get it wet.
3. Don't ever let it eat after midnight (which doesn't make sense because at what point can it start eating again?)

In this instance, Gizmo is a metaphor for Billy's johnson.

Billy must learn that there are three strict rules every guy must follow in order to avoid getting chicks pregnant:

1. Never bust inside of a girl no matter how many times she tells you it's ok.
2. Never trust your fate to generic, non-brand name condoms.
3. Never trust a girl who's on birth control or who claims she tracks her period because girls are liars and they're terrible at math.

Billy, of course, does not follow the rules and thus Gizmo multiplies out of control. Gizmo is like Billy's one good kid who is cute and nice and the other gremlins are like his bastard children he has out of wedlock who are all ugly and destructive and throw his good kid down the laundry chute. The metaphor would be more clear if Billy lived in a trailer park or was Puerto Rican but you get the idea.

In the end, Billy murders all of his bastard children in order to avoid getting raped on the monthly child support payments.

I can't believe no one's ever uncovered this elaborate perverted metaphor before.

Oh well...GIZMO!!!

Why It's Awesome: Much like the filthy Disney animated flicks of the late 80s and 90s, here's a family movie with subliminal sexual undertones. At least this one contains an important lesson: like my mother told me when I was a horny teenager, if you're going to take the horse out the barn, saddle up, partner (for those of you who aren't following, the horse is my penis in the metaphor and the saddle is a condom).

Best Quote:

Mr. Futterman: Goddamn foreign TV. I told ya we should've got a Zenith.