The Goonies (1985)

HEY YOU GUUUUUYS!

When people tell me they've never seen The Goonies, it makes me want to punch a baby seal in their honor. I don't want baby seals to have to live in a world where there are human beings born before 1990 who have never seen one of the most classic 80s movies of all time! This movie came out in '85, people, the scientifically greatest year for cinema known to mankind!

This movie perfectly personifies what makes 80s movies so fucking great. The story makes absolutely no logical sense, but it doesn't matter because it's entertaining as shit. A group of poor kids from Astoria are about to have their houses demolished to make room for a bunch of rich assholes' new golf course so they try to make enough money to save the goondocks the only way they know how: follow an ancient treasure map they find in the one kid's attic and recover the lost treasure of a famous pirate. Logical? NO! Entertaining? HELL YES!

Then you've got the cast...wow. Whoever put this cast together deserves an Academy Award...for AWESOMENESS! Let's do the rundown of all the classic characters these young actors portray. We've got...

Mikey - an asthmatic hobbit who has a thing for older women

Brand - a gang member with the biggest bitch workout program of all time

Chunk - a big fat liar who has the unique ability of being able to SMELL ICE CREAM!

Mouth - a smartass who paid more attention in middle school Spanish class than any kid EVER

Data - a Jame-Bond wannabe who carries over 80 lbs. of equipment everywhere he goes

Andy - a whiny bitch who enjoys displaying her panties every chance she gets

Stef - a closet lesbian waiting for her opportunity to dike out with Andy

Sloth - a strange deformed ex-football player able to wiggle his ears separately from one another

I always wanted to see a sequel that focuses on Chunk and Sloth's relationship after Sloth goes to live with him. I imagine that it wouldn't really work out and Chunk would struggle to figure out a way to tell Sloth that he has to move out. The conversation would be awkward, but Sloth would understand and then eventually move in with some guys who answer an ad in the paper for roommates. Meanwhile, Chunk, desperate for money, starts performing the Truffle Shuffle at a seedy strip club. From there, the story could go in a number of different directions.

Why It's Awesome: Pirates, booby traps, gangsters, Asians - all things that kids love.

Best Quote: (Mikey's infamous well speech...one of the greatest in cinematic history):

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents...they want the bestest stuff for us, but right now they gotta do what's best for them 'cause it's their time...their time up there. It's our time...our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket."