The Goonies (1985)

HEY YOU GUUUUUYS!

When people tell me they've never seen The Goonies, it makes me want to punch a baby seal in their honor. I don't want baby seals to have to live in a world where there are human beings born before 1990 who have never seen one of the most classic 80s movies of all time! This movie came out in '85, people, the scientifically greatest year for cinema known to mankind!

This movie perfectly personifies what makes 80s movies so fucking great. The story makes absolutely no logical sense, but it doesn't matter because it's entertaining as shit. A group of poor kids from Astoria are about to have their houses demolished to make room for a bunch of rich assholes' new golf course so they try to make enough money to save the goondocks the only way they know how: follow an ancient treasure map they find in the one kid's attic and recover the lost treasure of a famous pirate. Logical? NO! Entertaining? HELL YES!

Then you've got the cast...wow. Whoever put this cast together deserves an Academy Award...for AWESOMENESS! Let's do the rundown of all the classic characters these young actors portray. We've got...

Mikey - an asthmatic hobbit who has a thing for older women

Brand - a gang member with the biggest bitch workout program of all time

Chunk - a big fat liar who has the unique ability of being able to SMELL ICE CREAM!

Mouth - a smartass who paid more attention in middle school Spanish class than any kid EVER

Data - a Jame-Bond wannabe who carries over 80 lbs. of equipment everywhere he goes

Andy - a whiny bitch who enjoys displaying her panties every chance she gets

Stef - a closet lesbian waiting for her opportunity to dike out with Andy

Sloth - a strange deformed ex-football player able to wiggle his ears separately from one another

I always wanted to see a sequel that focuses on Chunk and Sloth's relationship after Sloth goes to live with him. I imagine that it wouldn't really work out and Chunk would struggle to figure out a way to tell Sloth that he has to move out. The conversation would be awkward, but Sloth would understand and then eventually move in with some guys who answer an ad in the paper for roommates. Meanwhile, Chunk, desperate for money, starts performing the Truffle Shuffle at a seedy strip club. From there, the story could go in a number of different directions.

Why It's Awesome: Pirates, booby traps, gangsters, Asians - all things that kids love.

Best Quote: (Mikey's infamous well speech...one of the greatest in cinematic history):

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents...they want the bestest stuff for us, but right now they gotta do what's best for them 'cause it's their time...their time up there. It's our time...our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket."

Cliffhanger (1993)

Now this is classic 90s Stallone and one that often falls under the action movie radar...CLIFFHANGER!

Easily one of the best openings to any action movie ever (so famous Ace Ventura 2 parodied it in its opening sequence) where Stallone has to go save his best friend's bitch from the top of a mountain because his friend is a pussy and hurt his leg and the dumb bitch is too lazy to climb her fat ass down. So Sly comes up there climbing 10,000 feet with his bare hands and sends this dumb cunt over to a helicopter on a long wire and her safety equipment fails, sending her dangling from her safety harness over miles of nothing but air and certain death. So Sly, like the pimp that he is, goes out there to save her and when the dumb bitch falls anyway, his friend blames HIM for her falling, which completely kicks logic in the balls because she was falling long before Sly went out to get her, but you know what? Who cares about logic?! It's fucking CLIFFHANGER!

This movie is so balls-out awesome that it's in the Guinness Book of World Records for including the most expensive stunt ever performed in a film. In what can only be described as ludicrously dangerous, a zip line is connected from one plane flying in midair to another and some FUCKING INSANE guy zips from one plane to the other plane flying exactly 210,000 miles in the stratosphere! That guy got paid a cool million to do that shit. If they made this movie today, instead of paying some stuntman with balls of steel to perform a stunt that will instantly murder him, they'd have some pussy on a computer create the scene with blue cat people dancing around looking like fucking cartoon characters on a green screen. That's the difference between hardcore 90s action movies and the computer-generated bullshit of today. The 90s had balls, but we've got a sopping wet pussy generated on a computer.

In addition to all THAT, you've got a stalagmite (or is it stalactite?) kill, some of the best "action running as something in the background explodes) shots ever, and John Lithgow playing one of the most cliche "elegant but deadly" bad guys in cinema history. GOD THE 90S KICKED ASS! Everyone was rich and employed and action movies consisted of actual real-life ACTION. In conclusion, I just wanna say one thing...God bless America!

Why It's Awesome: Stallone is so hardcore he fights off the effects of hypothermia wearing nothing but a wet t-shirt in -11 degree weather. Jackets are for PUSSIES!

Best Quote:

Travers: FETCH!!! (screaming into Sly's face like he's a dog).