The Human Centipede: The First Sequence (2009)

There are some movies that should not be viewed by anyone, not because it's disgusting or violent but because the entire movie is based off an idea thought up by a guy who was drunk and stumbled out of a bar and just blurted out some random bullshit and then made an hour and a half movie based off that stupid bullshit.

In this case, Tom Six stepped out of a bar and said, "Yo, man, wouldn't - wouldn't it be fucked up if three people were connected mouth to anus and had to walk around like - fuck I don't even know what...I guess like - like a human centipede? Wouldn't that be fucked up?"

That's what this movie is about. I was told I "had to see it" so I saw it and it was fucking terrible. The acting is awful, the story is nonexistent, and the characters are stupid cliches. The one thing it does have going for it, however, is three people connected mouth-to-anus and crawling around like a human centipede. If that's something you're interested in seeing, then, yes, this movie is for you. If you enjoy things like character development, a coherent storyline, or any sense of medical realism.

The opening of the movie pretty much sums up the intelligence level of the entire movie. Two stupid American bitches go to Europe, drive around in the country without a GPS, get lost, suffer a flat tire, run through the dark woods to "safety" and the one house they finally come upon is owned by a mad scientist obsessed with creating a human centipede...and it never gets better from there.

The only bright spot is the creepy performance by Dieter Laser. For a movie about an operation involving mouth-to-anus connections, he plays the part straight-faced and comes across as a real psycho.

But seriously, this movie is just shocktastic bullshit in the same vein as Saw and Hostel. Save some time and stick your hand in the blender. It's pretty much the same damn thing.

One Bright Spot: The title tells you exactly what you're going to get: a human centipede. It's not like you can claim you don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Best Quote:

Me: What the fuck was that?! (Me after watching it.)

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Only in the 80s could Hollywood make a movie based on trading cards ripped off of a popular toy. I used to love the trading cards when I was a kid. They were totally disgusting and just plain weird. I'm not sure why they were marketed to kids because they were totally inappropriate for young children.

So...yeah...this movie totally blows. I literally said, "What the fuck?!" aloud 19 times during my viewing. The main "story" (if that's what you want to call it) centers around the liberation of seven disgusting midget puppets from a single garbage can; these midgets possess various disgusting habits ranging from farting to blowing snot to vomiting to pissing...oh, and then there's a giant baby, a greaser, and a fucking alligator named...wait for it...Ali Gator. FAIL!

Literally nothing in this movie makes sense. Let me just list some of the major offenses:

1) The main character, Dodger, is a 14-year old boy who's love interest is a 30-year old woman.

2) Dodger doesn't seem to have any parents or a home to live in. He simply works for a creepy magician who I assume molests him.

3) Dodger is routinely assaulted by 30-year old street thugs who run an underground shitty clothes ring. No police seem to be present...EVER.

4) No one seems to acknowledge or recognize the fact that Tangerine's clothes look like absolute dogshit...even for 80s standards.

5) The musical score is basically a note-for-note ripoff of the 48 Hours theme song.

6) The Garbage Pail Kids don't seem to care that they've been wrongfully imprisoned for what I assume to be years by Captain Manzini in a garbage can that somehow holds seven midgets.

And I could go on like that forever but I won't. There are some parts of this movie that are so dumb they're hilarious. The names of the locations are so blunt that they deserve a chuckle. The locations include "The Sweatshop," "The Toughest Bar in the World," and "The State Home for the Ugly" where ugly people are straight-up murdered. The prisoners include a clown, a caveman, and Santa Clause. Take that Saint Nick!

Why It Sucks Donkey Balls: These midget puppets are just plain creepy. Their mouths don't even match up with what they're saying. Then there's the music, the acting, the story, the directing, and pretty much anything else between the opening credits and the end credits is just plain garbage pail bullshit.

Best Quote:

Blythe: Those are my kinds of guys - real psychos.

Tangerine: Watch it, Blythe, Juice is mine!

The Running Man (1987)

Trust me, we're only a few years away from seeing The Running Man as an actual reality show. All you'd have to do is add murder into The Amazing Race and you'd be there. This quote from Killian is great:

"This is television. It has nothing to do with people, it's to do with ratings!"

Perfect. Television nowadays is absolute dogshit and it has everything to do with trying to get as many stupid people to sit and stare at a magical picture box for as long as possible. That's why I prefer movies. Movies end. Television doesn't. After one shitty show there's another and another and another.

But I digress.

The Running Man is one of Arnold's worst action outings of the 80's. The movie is just so fucking cheesy and the one liners don't make ANY sense whatsoever. Check this out:

Arnold kills an Asian hockey player (HUH?!) named Sub-zero by wrapping barbed wire around his neck and then says, "Killian, here's your Sub-zero...now plain zero." Terrible...just terrible (and by terrible I don't mean in a terribly EPIC Commando-way, I mean it's just fucking stupid.) And seriously, how many Asians play ice hockey?

And here's where this movie really fails: It's called The Running Man and it stars Arnold...what?! Arnold doesn't run from danger, he runs over it and stomps on its esophagus. The entire movie is him running around a garbage dump wearing a full-size body condom and looking like a sopping wet vagina as he complains about the Uplink. The big showdown is him vs. a game show host. I'm sorry, Arnold, but you've had better days.

Why It Doesn't Completely Suck: Say what you will about the action, but you can't deny that Arnold's little minority love interest looks hot in that little black nightie. Arnold liked his women spicy and ethnic in his action flicks. The Running Man, Predator, and Total Recall all have Arnold eating tacos...

Best Quote:

Arnold: I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!