Ghostbusters (1984)

Who ya gonna call?

Fucking Ghostbusters, bitch!

So the Ghostbusters were my life when I was a kid. I watched the animated show everyday after school. I had all the toys and vehicles, even the Slimer that vomited slime. I remember going to the drive-in theater to watch Ghostbusters II and thinking it was the greatest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. And I was right. I wasn't alive for very long so my standards were pretty low at the time.

The first Ghostbusters film is still a flick I can watch over and over again, mainly because of Murray's performance and his legendary wisecracks. Without him, it's not the same movie, but you gotta give it up to the rest of the cast, too. Aykroyd and Ramis hold their own and (since they wrote the damn thing) I guess you gotta give them some credit, too. Winston was my favorite on the cartoon, but his role in the movie is fairly limited. Apparently the part was originally written for Eddie Murphy and the role was much larger, but Murphy decided to film Beverly Hills Cop instead. Guess you can't fault him for that.

Don't ask me why the black guy was my favorite. I think I liked the color of his jumpsuit the best. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I had an argument with my best friend, Danny Piquiet, on the bus about what color Egon's jumpsuit was. I said it was green and that prick kept insisting it was blue (In reality, it's greenish-blue). We were so pissed about the whole thing we refused to sit next to each other on the bus for a week. Even then I took entertainment pretty seriously. I still stand by my side of the argument so fuck you, Danny Piquiet. THAT SHIT WAS GREEN, BITCH!

Why It's Awesome: One of the few films ever to have a successful cartoon spin-off that was just as good as the movie. Until recently, I always thought the cartoon gave birth to the movie and not the other way around. You learn something new everyday, my friends...

Best Quote:

Ray: Everything was fine with our system until our power grid was shut down by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true:

Peter: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

Gladiator (2000)

Easily in my top ten of ALL TIME.

You want a movie that kicks ass but without all the cheesiness of a Schwarzenegger film? Gladiator is your flick.

The cast is outstanding. Russell Crowe may be a dickhead in real life, but he acted the shit out of Maximus. Joaquin Phoenix steals the show, though, as Commodus. Talk about creepy! The whole incestuous love affair with his sister, the murdering of the father, the death threats on his nephew's life...the guy's a real asshole! Props to the supporting cast as well, especially Oliver Reed who lived just long enough to finish the flick.

I was discussing this movie with a friend not too long ago, and I think I stumbled on why exactly the movie is so damn good. And here it is: There aren't any slow or boring parts. There's not a single part in the movie where you're like, "Oh, I can't wait for this to be over so I can get to this next part." THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS AWESOME!

The opening battle? AWESOME!

The death of Maximus's family? AWESOME!

Maximus becoming a gladiator in Zucchabar? AWESOME!

Maximus going to the Colosseum? AWESOME!

Maximus fighting Tiger guy? AWESOME!

Maximus vs. Commodus? Ehh...less awesome but still, overall, the movie is fucking AWESOME!

It's just a balls to the walls awesome movie from beginning to end.

It also contains one of my favorite scenes in any movie...EVER!

Maximus walks out of the holding cell for the gladiators toward the shitty fighting arena in Zucchabar. All the other gladiators are sitting on their asses prepared to do jack shit. Maximus strolls out into the arena where there are a dozen huge ass warriors wearing tin pots on their heads and wielding axes and chains and shit. Maximus totally KICKS ASS and kills every single one of those bastards. The entire stadium is silent. Then Maximus starts yelling at the fans, verbally pwning them in the process and making it fairly clear that he hates their guts. Silence. Then, a single voice starts chanting "Spaniard! Spaniard!" and eventually the entire place is going apeshit for Maximus. Sweet...

Why It's Awesome: A revenge flick set in the Colosseum of Ancient Rome FTW. There's nothing better than a well done revenge flick. Kill a guy's family and make the guy a badass and you're in for a double helping of awesomeness.

Best Quote:

Commodus: It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Here's the winning formula for family movies in the 80's: Family + weird creature (alien, bigfoot, robot that came to life) = Box Office Gold.

And no movie did it better than Harry and the Hendersons...except maybe E.T. and Short Circuit.

Nevertheless, what this movie has going for it is simple: Sasquatch. How many Sasquatch-centered movies are there? Answer: Not enough. This movie is great because it's premise is simple: What would happen if a family adopted Sasquatch as a pet. The answer to that question is that your house would get fucked up and your neighbor's pool would look like a condor flew over it and took a giant shit.

Watching this movie today, I just love how totally cliche the entire thing is. You've got the nerdy younger brother and his bitter, emo sister who just wants to do her hair and be left alone. You've got the nurturing mother and the father who is obsessed with murdering animals. At the beginning of the film, John Lithgow is a gun-toting, nature hating, heartless republican. Then Harry comes into his life and John Lithgow transforms into a whiny, tree-hugging pussy democrat. And the transformation is basically instantaneous. I'm serious. Usually character arcs take the entire film to complete, but John Lithgow gets a major hard-on for Harry twenty minutes into this thing. It's kind of pathetic...

And you can always tell a movie is PG because the hardcore, French villain will undoubtably, turn into a complete pussy by the end and deliver a HILARIOUS final line to end the movie. LeFleur is the victim of pussification in this case. After spending the ENTIRE FILM trying to hunt down and assassinate Sasquatch, Harry melts his heart by the end and makes him wish he was an American citizen. What are you going to do next, LeFleur? "I don't know. There's always Loch Ness." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....SHUT UP!

They should make a movie where a family takes in CHUCK NORRIS and tries to keep him as the family pet. It would basically be the exact same movie as Harry and the Hendersons except with less hair and a lot more roundhouse kicks. I'd pay to see it.

Why It's Awesome: A family learns the harsh consequences of trying to domesticate Sasquatch.

Best Quote:

After witnessing her pool cleaner pull out a gigantic fur ball from her brown pool...

Irene: I need someone to talk to! You know, it hasn't been easy with the pool and everything, and Herb is no help. His latest theory is that a condor flew over and took a shit in it.