The Crow (1994)

The movie that inspired the most cliche Halloween costume is best known for the death of Brandon Lee during shooting. Brandon Lee was the son of Bruce Lee, who also died under mysterious circumstances. How creepy is that shit?

I've long been aware of the history of the movie, but I've never had the pleasure of seeing the comic inspired flick. Man...it's a pretty damn good movie! It's your typical revenge flick, in the same vein as Kill Bill or Lion King (That's a revenge flick! Simba needs to learn not to be such a pussy so he can totally rip Scar's face off for killing James Earl Jones).

The action is solid (The boardroom scene comes to mind immediately as kick ass), the acting is passable (Lee does a nice job as the brooding Eric Draven), and the dreary tone of the movie is captured perfectly with the use of just about every shade of grey possible.

Some of the dialogue is suspect, but most of it is either inspired by the comic or directly from the comic so I suppose one can't complain too much about that. The story sort of falls apart at the end of act II once Draven has successfully completed his revenge sweep. I think the story would be much better if Top Dollar was directly involved with his murder and the rape of Shelley. Then Draven has to find a way to get to him in spite of the hoards of underlings guarding him. I just felt the end with Top Dollar trying to steal his power by killing the crow was kind of cheesy and it most definitely felt tacked on.

Speaking of Top Dollar, how badass is Michael Wincott's voice? I can't think of a better bad guy voice in Hollywood. That guy has made a living being a villain and speaking in that deep, "I'm gonna fucking kill you" voice. Check out his work in The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and The Count of Monte Cristo - equally as badass!

Why It's Awesome: Guy comes back from the dead to gain vengeance on those who murdered him and raped his fiance. He can't die, he wears face paint, and every villain in the movie has a cool pirate name. Sweet...

Best Quote:

Top Dollar: Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy - now that's fun!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Every now and then you reach into the BAG 'O FATE and the Powers That Be smile down on you...

Indiana Jones was my hero growing up. Indiana Jones is THE greatest hero in cinematic history (Atticus Finch my ass, AFI!).

And, as a special gift from the Movie Fates, the first Indiana movie I get to review is my absolute favorite. Now people will argue to death that Raiders is the clear-cut best of the trilogy (There are only three Indiana Jones movies...only three I tell you!), but, in my humble opinion, Last Crusade is easily more fun and more action-packed than the original.

Just the simple fact that they made JAMES BOND Indiana Jones' father makes this movie beyond epic. Ford and Connery have AMAZING chemistry, and, in the end, that's what makes this movie an absolute masterpiece in the adventure genre. They keep the relationship light and entertaining and avoid getting too mushy, but it's an amazing pair and having the relationship as the central focus of the film was simply brilliant (obviously not Lucas's idea).

Nearly every scene in this film is memorable for one reason or another. I'll just list the scenes and, if you're any kind of Indy fan, an image will automatically pop into your head that will, no doubt, supply you with an instant boner:

* The train scene

* The catacombs scene

* The boat scene

*The castle scene

*The motorcycle chase scene

* The blimp scene

*The tank scene

*The grail scenes

Just classic, classic stuff here.

The reason this movie kicks so much ass is that it took what was great about the first movie and simply added to it. You've got the return of some favorite characters in Sallah and Marcus Brody, the return of the Nazis as the villains, and a Christian artifact is once again the central focus. Add to that James Bond (a BIG improvement over Short Round from ToD), and you've got the greatest adventure movie in cinematic history...believe it!

Let us all remember Indiana Jones in this film rather than in THE FILM THAT MUST NOT BE SPOKEN OF...which any respectable Indy fan must abhor until one's dying days. Death to you Spielberg and Lucas...obviously Last Crusade was a gift from God itself because you clowns can't make a decent movie to save your pathetic lives...may you both rot in Hell for eternity for what you did to Indiana Jones. That is all.

Why It's Epic: Indiana Jones and James Bond together as father and son, killing Nazis, avoiding booby traps, and banging the same chick. INDIANA JONES RULES!

Best Quote:

Indiana: No ticket...(legendary)

American History X (1998)

Everyone knows this as the "curb stomp" movie...and with good reason. Whoever thought of that sick shit deserves an Oscar for "Most Brutal Way to Kill a Bitch."

But this is just a great dramatic movie. Its exploration of race relations near the end of the 90's, a time of great racial conflict (especially in Los Angeles), is nearly unparalleled on the silver screen. This movie isn't superb because it answers any questions or provides any insight into race relations. No, it's superb because it does something far more important: It asks some very interesting questions.

The movie is basically a character study into why individuals become consumed by hate. When we first meet Derek Vinyard, all we see is a stereotypical Nazi skinhead. But then, through bits and pieces of flashbacks, we learn why...we learn why he hates.

This movie sugarcoats nothing. It doesn't condemn the skinheads for being intolerant because of some close-minded philosophy. No, they have a reason to hate. Most of the blacks in this movie are low-life pieces of shit. They make it easy to hate. A black drug dealer is responsible for the death of Derek's father. A group of blacks try to steal Derek's truck. The black kid at the end murders Derek's brother in cold blood. They're easy to hate, and you find yourself hating them, too. And you have to stop and say, "Wait a minute...am I just as intolerant as these skinheads because I hate these people, too?"

But the movie does a nice job of pulling you right back in the other direction because, in counter-point to the scum blacks, you've got positive black characters like Bob Sweeney (the principal) and Lamont, who keeps Derek safe in prison. So right when you're justifying Derek's hate-filled philosophy you have to stop and say, "But wait...here are some blacks who are good people. Is it right to hate them, too?"

The moral of the movie (as far as I'm concerned) is simple: Assholes come in all colors. You should never hate an entire race, gender, or religion. You should hate stupid people...because they're everywhere and there's a lot more of them than there is of us.

And, on a side-note, Edward Norton is CLUTCH in this movie...

Why It's Awesome: One of the most thought-provoking discussions on race relations ever to grace the cinema.

Best Quote People Think is in the Movie But Really Isn't:

Derek: Bite the curb, bitch...

THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!

I still can't believe it...

The greatest movie ever made by Man is a reality...THE EXPENDABLES!!!

I didn't believe it when I heard the rumors, but I've seen the trailer and I must believe that watching the trailer was nothing short of staring into the face of God Almighty himself.

It doesn't even matter what the storyline is. Just listen to the line-up:

Sly Stallone starring, writing and directing.

Then we've got cameos by Arnold and Bruce Willis...

Jet Li...

Jason Statham (The Transporter)...

Mickey Rourke...

Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren)...

Stone Cold Steve Austin...

Randy Couture...

and the hot chick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

UNREAL!

Without a doubt, the greatest line-up ever assembled in cinematic history.

I don't think I'm overhyping the August 13 debut by saying that it will win every Oscar possible, including the Oscar previously held by Highlander for "Best Movie Ever Made."

I've already ordered my tickets. I suggest you do the same. Prepare to have your skull caved in by the awesomeness!