The Boondock Saints (1999)

I'm preparing to watch Boondock Saints II so I figured I'd refresh my memory and watch the first movie since it's been years since I've seen it.

Man, five minutes in I realized I didn't remember anything about this movie.

All right, right off the bat, let's get this out of the way. Some of the acting is suspect. In fact, most of the acting is suspect. David Della Rocco is so bad I was almost glad when he died so I wouldn't have to watch him try to act anymore. Plus, most of the acting seems even worse when compared to William Dafoe's powerhouse performance. The man is balls to the walls awesome.

But, holy shit, does he make for one ugly broad.

The other problem is the story. The ending with the father being Il Duce - lame. It just seemed a little too left field for my taste.

The final problem before I talk about the awesomeness is the humor. I almost wish there was less humor in the movie. At times it seems out of place. It's almost as if the movie couldn't decide whether or not it was an action movie or a comedy and some action movies can be both (Demolition Man), but this one didn't quite pull it off.

All right, on to the awesomeness. First, the premise is superb. Two Irish twins, fed up with the justice system, take matters into their own hands and become vigilantes...love it.

Where this movie excels is the ridiculous action scenes. Yes, they're unbelievable, but they're so fucking cool it doesn't matter. The entire dropping the toilet on the Russians and then jumping off a fucking building onto the other one...borderline ludicrous. But I still enjoyed it.

By far, my favorite scene is the the rope scene. When they fall through the ceiling and get tangled in the rope and you see them spinning and you realize what's going to happen...that's a "piss your pants due to awesomeness" moment. Slightly ridiculous? Absolutely, but very, very awesome.

I've gotta mention William Dafoe's performance again because it does stand out as being stellar. The way he walks the line between being a completely stereotyped homo and being a fully realized character is brilliant. And although some might find it cheesy, I enjoyed the scenes with him listening to opera as he reconstructs the murder scene in his mind. His shirt is ripped and he's sweating and he looks insane, but it works.

So I'm looking forward to watching the sequel. I've heard good things, but...we'll see...

Why It's Awesome: What's not awesome about watching two guys fall out of an air duct, breaking through a ceiling, getting tangled in some rope, spinning around suspended in mid-air and shooting nine gangsters upside-down? If that's not awesome, I don't know what is. Oh, plus they kill Ron Jeremy while he beats off in a titty bar. Again, awesomeness personified.

Best Line:

Special Agent Smecker lies in bed with his homosexual Asian lover. The Asian tries to cuddle up next to him.

Smecker: What are you doing?

Asian Homo: I just wanted to cuddle!

Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag!

Garden State (2003)

I'm taking a short break from action and comedy flicks to bring you a review of a quirky independent drama written and directed by Zach Braff.

Before I get into what I like about this movie, let me just quickly say what keeps it from being great:

1) After seeing this movie four or five times now, the quirky characters are almost too quirky. Their quirkiness actually gets on your nerves with multiple viewings. It's the double mumbo-jumbo rule of screen writing. Does Sam have to be epileptic AND a compulsive liar? Can't she be just as interesting if she were one or the other?

2) Zach Braff just seems like a douchebag so it makes me like this movie less because he wrote, starred in, and directed this movie...so fuck him.

All right, with those factors aside, there is a lot to like about this movie.

I'm not sure a movie does a better job of expressing what it's like to be a Twixter (a person caught between college graduation and their 30th birthday). You've moved out of your parents' home and started a life of your own, you're probably not working at the job you dreamed you would be, you're lonely, and you continuously dream of the care-free days of your childhood, but you realize that you can never, ever get them back and the place you once considered your "home" will never be the same again. It's kind of depressing and confusing and slightly humorous at times and those are the emotions Garden State nails.

Speaking of "nailing," how about that Natalie Portman? It certainly doesn't hurt this movie to include her as the love interest. I must admit, I've had a boner for Natalie since I saw her in "The Professional" (Sweet ass movie by the way). I mean, those pigtails? C'mon! I'd like to grab onto those things...

But enough of my horniness. The acting is kind of dry, which it's supposed to be, but the characters do an extraordinary job of coming off as actual loser people you graduated with and you wouldn't want to ever run into again.

The soundtrack is amazing if you're into pussy emo music. It's the kind of soundtrack some pussy would make for a chick he liked and the chick would listen to it as she's sucking off her boyfriend and think of the guy who gave it to her and how pathetic he is. And with that description, you should know exactly what kind of music is on it.

Oh, the ending...it sucks. I always forget how it ends and that's probably because I don't want to remember. The main character gets on a plane only to get off the plane and return to his love interest...TOTAL CLICHE. Come on, Zach, you can do better than that! Although, I've watched Scrubs...maybe you can't...

Anyways, it's worth seeing if you like quirky, depressing, slightly humorous indie flicks starring the dude from Scrubs.

Why It's Slightly Awesome: Natalie Portman swimming around in her underwear...that's enough for me.

Best Line:

Braff's character is in the pool flailing around. It's obvious he doesn't know how to swim.

Mark: You look like a wet beaver!

(Again, another quote you have to hear to appreciate).

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

One word describes this movie: Underrated

In the midst of the 90's deluge of action flicks, The Long Kiss Goodnight often flies under the radar. No, it doesn't star Stallone or Willis or Arnold. Instead, it stars...Geena Davis. That's right! A decent action flick that stars a chick! A chick may not be able to be president (unless you're...Geena Davis on her shitty canceled TV show), but a bitch can kick ass in a movie.

So let's do the Totally Sweet Action Movie checklist:

1) Main characters escape an explosion by running...CHECK

2) Funny sidekick (preferably a black guy)...CHECK

Umm...can you say Samuel L. "Motha Fuckin'" Jackson? Sidekicks don't get much better than that. He's got so many one-liners in this movie it isn't even funny...oh wait...it IS funny...hilarious even...which is the point...

3) Cocky, sadistic villain...CHECK

In his only significant role of his career, Craig Bierko plays a pretty bad ass bad guy. It's too bad this movie flopped at the box office or else this guy could have been killed by Arnold later on in his career.

4) Cheesy but humorous banter between main character and sidekick....let's check:

Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch: I hope not because I'm thinking my balls hurt.

Hmm...that's a big CHECK.

5) Main character commemorates killing the main bad guy with a totally sweet one-liner?

In my humble opinion, "Die screaming, mother fucker" is just a notch or two below "Yippee ki yay, mother fucker" so...CHECK!

The movie meets all the necessary requirements to be a TOTALLY SWEET action movie. Is it Predator or Commando? No, but I'd rather see Geena Davis in a hot shower scene than Arnold, that's for damn sure.

Why it's awesome: The Long Kiss Goodnight answers this common question: What happens when a woman with no memory of her past discovers that she's an assassin working for the United States Government? Awesomeness happens...awesomeness...

Best Line:

Henchman (over walkie-talkie): I'm hurt real bad. I - I think I'm dying...

Timothy (over walkie-talkie): Continue dying. Out.

Howard the Duck (1986)

All right, after a short visit to the new millennium, we're heading back to the '80's...with a vengeance!

Howard the Duck...what the hell can you even say about this movie?

This is one of those movies where you realize that literally every single person working on this movie had to be on acid for months for this flick to even get made. The directors, the camera men, the writers, the stunt doubles, George Lucas...EVERYONE! Every single person had to be on acid or else this thing doesn't get made because all it would take is one person to say, "Wait a minute...we're making a movie about a fucking duck from outer space!" and everyone would come to their senses and move on to something else. Luckily for us, that never happened.

The cast, from a 2K10 perspective, is unreal:

You've got Lea Thomson of Back to the Future fame.

You've got Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) from Ferris Bueller as the vessel for the Dark Overlord.

And you've got a young TIM ROBINS as a super geeky janitor/scientist! (He's hilarious in this by the way).

And then you've got a dozen midgets in a robotic duck suit.

There's about a 15 minute span in this movie where I laughed my ass off non-stop because of all the ridiculous 80's puns. The movie hits EPIC status as soon as Ed Rooney becomes infected by the Dark Overlord. From there, with a possessed man and being pursued by the cops, Howard and Marty McFly's mom decide to...stop at a diner and get something to eat. No, it doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to. What transpires from there is pure cinema gold. The Dark Overlord is explaining his plot to destroy the planet and Mrs. McFly and Howard just trade terrible quips for a solid five minutes. Here's a sample:

Dark Overlord: "I told you, I'm not Jennings anymore. The transformation is complete. I am now...someone else."

Howard: "Try telling that to your insurance company."

See? EPIC! It's so, so terribly epic.

The scene that has forever been burned into my memory is the scene where it's obvious that Beverly is going to have sex with this mutant duck, and it's so uncomfortable because you start thinking about his feathery dick and the mechanics of the whole thing. This movie also made me realize that the 80's is infamous for disturbing sex scenes (most of them include Lea Thomson by the way):

* A human girl banging a duck in Howard the Duck

*A mother banging her son in Back to the Future

*A grown woman banging a 13 year old boy in Big

* A grown woman banging a robot in Short Circuit

Maybe that's what I love about the 80's. Basically, the moral of the entire decade is that, after snorting enough coke, anyone can fuck just about anyone or anything...no matter what.

Why it's Awesome: It's a movie about a duck from outer space who bangs Marty McFly's mom AND Academy Award winner Tim Robbins is in it AND Ed Rooney!

Best Quote:

Dark Overlord: "Mmm...she took my eggs!" (This is one you have to hear first hand to appreciate. Go out and rent Howard the Duck immediately and enjoy!)

Knocked Up (2007)

All right...I know this blog is called retro movie reviews and a movie from 2007 isn't all that retro, but fuck you. A few new millennium movies snuck into my random movie sack simply because I enjoy watching them. And here's one of them....

If my wife and I are trying to decide on a movie to watch, we can always agree on Knocked Up. It's just a funny flick and it reminds us why we don't want to have kids any time in the near future.

Here's the evolutionary cycle: Anchorman begat 40-Year-Old Virgin which begat Knocked Up which begat Forgetting Sarah Marshal.

And what do all four of these movies have in common that makes them totally fucking awesome(Sarah Marshal to a lesser degree)?

Answer: PAUL FUCKIN' RUDD.

Paul Rudd is awesomeness personified. He's the ultimate wingman. If I could choose any celebrity to chill with at a bar it would be Paul Rudd because you know he would totally do what he had to to get you laid...including letting you borrow his Sex Panther cologne (60% of the time, it works...every time.).

Anyways, this movie explores the following concept: What would happen if a good-looking bitch got knocked up by an overweight, ugly Jew? Honestly, do you think there was even a script for this movie? It seems like the actors are all just saying whatever the fuck they want throughout the whole movie. Luckily everyone in the movie is hilarious, even the supporting cast.

- You've got Leslie "Let's get some fuckin' French Toast" Mann as Heigl's sister.

- You've got the fat kid from Superbad.

- You've got Jason Segel...who is always naked in his movies for some reason.

- You've got Kristen Wiig who is on the screen for less than five minutes but is hilarious every single second she's onscreen.

- And you've got the most underrated comic in film today, Ken Jeong, who plays the asshole doctor

My only real complaint with this movie is that Katherine Heigl is too much of a bitch in the movie and in real life to be likable. Seth Rogen is hilarious and you feel bad he has to put up with all her bullshit. Heigl is a bitch who openly knocked this movie as being "sexist" after it made her a big star. Who does she think she is? Megan Fox? Stupid cunts...

Why It's Awesome: A shitload of funny people saying a bunch of funny shit about something as serious as bringing another human life into the world.

Best Quote:

[After Ben and Pete make several totally sweet Back to the Future references]

Debbie: I've got a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time, and fuck each other?

Pete: Who needs a time machine?