Saturday, July 24, 2010

Jurassic Park (1993)



There are certain movies that when you see them in the theater, the theater experience takes on a life of its own. I've had a handful of memorable theater experiences in my lifetime.


Seeing Freddy vs. Jason on opening night was a theater experience I'll never forget.


Watching The Sixth Sense in a theater full of terrified black people is another.


But my most memorable theater experience was going to see Jurassic Park with my mother when I was 10 years-old. The movie had been out for two or three weeks already but people were still going to see it in droves. My mother and I arrived at the theater late and the theater was packed, forcing us to sit in the only seats available...dead center in the first row. Now the first row usually isn't where you want to sit in a movie theater, but, let me tell you, there wasn't a better seat in the house. I literally felt like I was in the movie, my neck craned, staring up at the T-Rex on the screen, the orchestra music rushing over me. That is an experience I'll never forget...


And yes, looking back almost twenty years later, the script was obviously dumbed down to appeal to a mass audience, but anyone who tells me their jaw didn't hit the theater floor when they first saw that brachiosaurus is a fucking liar. And the T-Rex scene in the rain still gives me goosebumps. I swear, sitting there in that theater, I didn't breathe the entire scene. I'm surprised I didn't pass out. And let's be honest here, people, the movie wasn't about the acting or the script; it was about the fucking dinosaurs and, in that department, Spielberg did exactly what he set out to do: create a fun movie about dinosaurs that would be a box-office giant.


The epicness of the first film has obviously been tainted by the far inferior sequels that would follow, but I still remember sitting in that theater, knowing that I was witnessing not only a great film but experiencing an event that I still remember to this day. That's just good film-making.


Why It's Awesome: Truly awe-inspiring special effects. You felt like those dinosaurs were really there. And you know why? Because Spielberg used a good mix of CGI and puppets! And no one can tell me the puppets didn't look ten times better than the CGI.!George Lucas should have been paying attention instead of beating off to the CGI effects that would ruin his Star Wars prequels.


Best Quote:


Muldoon: Clever girl...(before being ripped to shreds by the raptor, even though the action is conveniently blocked by a well-placed palm frond).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Team America: World Police (2004)



America...FUCK YEAH!
Listen, I'm tired of people telling me they don't think "South Park humor" is funny. Forget about Mr. Hanky and the fart jokes. You're thinking of the first two (far inferior) seasons of South Park. Get over that shit and live in the now. South Park is easily one of the smartest political and social satires of all time and if you don't agree, then you don't know shit about shit.

Team America, a movie shot entirely with puppets, was released in the middle of the Bush era and provides a perfect satirical snapshot of the time. It completely annihilates current events occurring of the day including:
1) America policing the world looking for "terrorists" following the 9/11 attacks in spite of the rest of the world hating our fucking guts.
2) Celebrities sticking their noses into the world of politics in spite of the fact that they're fucking clowns and should stick to entertaining us like the good little monkeys that they are.
3) Shitty Jerry Bruckheimer produced action movies that sucked dick in spite of their lucrative budgets and overpaid cast of asshole celebrities.
All these things needed to be spoofed and Trey Parker and Matt Stone bent these issues over and fucked the shit out of them...with puppets.
There are a few things that are absolutely LEGENDARY in this flick. The first is the musical score. I don't often buy movie soundtracks, but this one is a must have. These are the funniest songs ever included in any film...EVER! Everyone has AIDS? America...FUCK YEAH? Montage? But the single greatest song has to be Pearl Harbor Sucked and I Miss You. The song's sole purpose is to point out how badly the movie, Pearl Harbor, sucked and it hits the nail right on the 'ole noggin. FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY! Stick to your shitty transforming robots with random explosions movies. Leave historical action movies to someone with actual skills.
The next LEGENDARY aspect of this film (I dare you to argue this point with me) is the puppet sex scene, which is, by far, the most inappropriate yet hilarious scene ever filmed. When that guy puppet is pile driving the chick puppet I nearly pissed my fucking pants. Of course, then Gary pisses on Lisa's face, followed by Lisa shitting on Gary's face. Try not to bust a nut laughing when you watch it...I dare you!
So even if you don't "get" South Park (because you're too stupid), that shouldn't change the fact that this is a hilarious movie...starring puppets. The puppets alone make it EPIC, but then you throw in some great political satire and celebrities getting mutilated and killed and you've got yourself an underrated classic on your hands.
Why It's Awesome: Are you serious...I just...I just explained that to you (Zoolander).
Best Quote:
Matt Damon: Maaatt...Damon! (sounding fucking retarded)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Little Monsters (1989)



Let's just first get something out of the way right from the start: Disney's Monsters Inc. totally ripped off this movie's premise. Monster's Inc. is simply an animated version of this movie. So fuck Disney. Granted, Monster's Inc. is a much better movie than this movie, but still...fuck 'em.


So this movie has something going for it right from the start. It's called KEVIN FUCKING ARNOLD!


That's right, the Wonder Years star himself, Fred Savage (who is always Kevin Arnold to me) stars in this slightly bizarre PG flick from 1989 and everything with Kevin Arnold is awesome (The Wonder Years, The Wizard, The Princess Bride, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Don't even bring up Austin Powers 3 because, unfortunately, Beyonce cancels out Kevin Arnold's awesomeness. It's like multiplying a negative and a positive. You get dogshit as a result.


Don't mention this movie either because I've decided that this movie kind of sucks. Even Kevin Arnold can't save this movie from appearing to be nothing more than a Beetlejuice wannabe.


If you're not familiar with this movie, Kevin Arnold keeps getting blamed for causing trouble around his house, but he discovers the trouble's being caused by a monster who lives under his bed. He traps the monster (named Maurice), they become friends, and then the monster takes him to the magical monster world underneath the bed. The monster world is full of kids who chose to become monsters and it's run by an asshole named "Boy" and some nasty blue hunchback guy (Rick Duncommun). The catch is that if a human stays in the monster world after sunrise, that person becomes a monster.


I guess the reason this movie is FAIL (not EPIC FAIL but still FAIL) is that Howie Mandel's portrayal of Maurice is too much like Michael Keaton's portrayal of Beetlejuice and Beetlejuice is just a way better character. Plus the plot is confusing at times and kind of depressing for a PG movie (the parents are separating). Plus, where do all these monsters live in the monster world? They never show any houses or buildings! Plus, why don't they show the main baddie, Boy, until the climax? You're like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" when you finally see him. Then you're like, "Oh, that's Boy?" And why does Boy want Kevin Arnold to stay in the monster world (besides the obvious answer that it's KEVIN FUCKIN' ARNOLD!)? Oh, and why is the guy's name Boy? That's fucking stupid...


So, overall, not a great movie...even with the Kevin Arnold factor considered. If you want to watch a crazy guy cause a bunch of trouble and fuck shit up in a PG environment, watch Beetlejuice, or, better yet, watch DROP DEAD FRED. Fred is one of the most underrated crazy sidekick comedies ever. Watch it, son! And always make sure your apple juice is really apple juice and not someone else's piss!


Why It's Kind of Awesome: Kevin Arnold, bitches...Kevin Arnold...


Best Quote:


[Maurice shanks Kevin Arnold in front of a female monster]


Female Monster: Mmm...nice ass...


(Hilarious for a PG movie)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Hot Fuzz (2007)



All right, so I usually don't review movies I've just seen the first time, but HOLY FUCK! Reviewing Hot Fuzz wasn't a choice; it was decreed by the Movie Gods.


Hot Fuzz is a product of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director, Edgar Wright. That's right, the EXACT SAME lineup from the legendary, Shaun of the Dead. And, no, I wouldn't put it on par with Shaun, but Hot Fuzz does to action movies exactly what Shaun did to zombie flicks. The British humor is thick throughout this one, but it's the uber ridiculous act 3 that moves this movie from pretty good to fuckin' epic status.


It's not even worth mentioning any of the movie until the finale...which is about 40 minutes long. Earlier in the movie, Nick Angel busts a guy with an army arsenal of machine guns and bazookas and a fucking water mine...and you know the shit is going to come into play later on...and boy does it ever. The mystery running throughout the entire movie ends in the most ridiculous way possible (which is a good thing) and then the final showdown involves a shootout with a priest, a guy getting his head caught in a bear trap, the complete annihilation of a super market, and James Bond getting a model church tower impaled into his throat. Balls to the walls awesome...


But the BEST part of the movie has to be the homage to Point Break. Officer Frost is obsessed with cheesy action movies and he loves the surfer/crime thriller. At the end of the movie, when Frost can't shoot his father and instead screams and fires into the air I nearly pissed my pants. Any movie that references a sweet ass action movie like Point Break is all right in my book.

Why Simon Pegg would ever try to make a movie without Nick Frost is beyond me. He might as well be David Spade trying to make a movie without Chris Farley. Hot Fuzz, bitches! Watch it!


Why It's Awesome: Rides the line between ridiculous and awesome better than any movie in the history of film.


Best Line:


Skinner (on walkie-talkie): Michael, are you there?

Angel (pretending to be Michael on walkie-talkie): Yarp.

Skinner: Angel's been taken care of?

Angel: Yarp.

Skinner: He's not going to be back up again?

(Angel hesitates, thinking.)

Angel: Narp?