Death Becomes Her (1992)

Talk about a movie ahead of its time...

Death Becomes Her is a dark comedy about how far people will go to avoid the aging process. This movie came out in 1992 so this is before all the insanity over Botox and teenage boob jobs and stomach stapling. A remake could come out tomorrow and be twice as relevant as when it was originally released. Can't people just get old and ugly and be happy about it? It's the way nature intended it to be.

You can't really ask for a better cast than this. Goldie Hawn (when she's still hot), Meryll Streep (not looking bad herself), and a nerded out Bruce Willis. I know the ladies get a lot of attention in this movie, but Bruce is my hands-down scene stealer. This is the same man who, four years earlier, played John fucking McClane in Die Hard and here he is playing a spineless, nerdy, pussy-whipped bitch and playing it to perfection.

The concept itself is intriguing. Two female rivals consume a potion that allows them to live forever but then they die...only to return reanimated (but still biologically dead). Obviously this odd situation provides for most of the humor of the film. The jokes are solid for a majority of the film, but as soon as Helen dies, the humor comes off a little cartoony. Helen and Madeline are hitting each other with shovels and there's a lot of physical humor, but it all comes off too much like an episode of Tom and Jerry (Awesome show by the way).

And even though it's a neat concept, the story itself is rather weak. You realize after the shovel battle between Helen and Madeline that the movie isn't really going anywhere. The girls hate each other, then they make up and they're friends and realize they'll need Menville to maintain their corpses, and then we're kind of tossed into the climax with Menville rejecting the potion at the castle of the immortals and being chased by dogs and falling off a building and into a swimming pool.

I suppose the ironic thing is that Goldie Hawn now looks like someone who has been dead for about ten years and is trying to hide under a veil of plastic surgery to keep anyone from finding out...

Why It's Awesome: You get to watch two really hot, really dead bitches boss around John McClane.

Best Quote:

Madeline: Bottom's up.

Madeline drinks the potion.

Lisle: Now a warning...

Madeline: NOW a warning?!

Speed (1994)

"I saw this movie once where this bus had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called...The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down!" - Homer Simpson

Speed is the Die Hard of the 90's.

It reaches near perfection in its simplicity.

Premise: A cop must save a bunch of passengers on a bus wired with explosives that will detonate if the bus's speed drops below 50 MPH.

You wouldn't think a movie where a bunch of people drive around for two hours on a bus would be entertaining, but you'd be wrong. In fact, everything involving the bus is gold. The movie only falters when Keanau leaves the confines of the bus. The subway finale is garbage. The entire movie is centered around the bus. You can't end the movie in a subway! And just like the highway isn't finished, the subway track isn't finished? What?! I don't think they use subway tracks that aren't finished...

But let's focus on what this movie does unbelievably well and that is to create tension. The movie succeeds by creating a ticking clock that nearly lasts the entire movie. Every time the speedometer nears that 50 mark, you lean forward a little in your seat. At one point, they actually create TWO SIMULTANEOUS ticking clocks by having Keanu puncture the gas tank. Now we have to worry about the gas running out AND the bomb blowing. That's good stuff...

Unfortunately, when you talk about this movie, you have to talk about "The Jump." This is by far one of the worst "Nuking the Fridge" moments in cinematic history. The bus has to jump a fifty foot gap of equal elevation. Sound impossible? Well...it should have been! Instead, the bus hits a fucking bike ramp at the end of the unfinished section of highway and levitates over the gap. It looked ridiculous the first time I saw the movie, and it still looks ridiculous. Even in the action genre, some semblance of reality must be maintained. I'll believe that Arnold can kill 81 guys single-handedly (Commando), but I still don't believe that damn bus could make that jump!

Why It's Awesome: Simple premise...great execution.

Best Line:

Stephens is repeating over the walkie-talkie what Jack is saying word-for-word.

Jack spots the bomb.

Jack: Fuck me!

Stephens: Oh darn...

Billy Madison (1995)

Man, watching this movie makes me wish Adam Sandler was funny again. The simple truth is this: Adam Sandler hasn't been funny for almost a decade. Many have argued this point with me, and I've bitch slapped every single one of them harder than I wanted to bitch slap George Lucas after watching Crystal Skull.

His last official funny movie was Big Daddy.

"But Captain 69, how about The Longest Yard? That had its moments."

No, it didn't.

"Well, Click wasn't that bad!"

Yes, it was.

Like I said, I gain no pleasure in saying this, but Adam Sandler sucks hairy donkey dick. If you want to see Adam Sandler be funny, watch Billy Madison.

And on that note, I feel a QUOTATION BONANZA coming on. Here are the BEST QUOTES FROM BILLY MADISON:

"Suntan lotion is good for me, You protect me, tee hee hee!"

"Oh, the sun try to burn me, but you won't let it, will ya? (Fart noise!) (Fart noise!) Smiley!"

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be running around."

"He called the shit POOP!"

"O'Doyle rules!"

"If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

"Who would eat 30 bagged lunches?"

"Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I make the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really fool? Yes, really."

"Couch. C-O-R...are you going to the mall today?"

"You know something? YOU SUCK!"

"T-t-today, junior!"

"Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll!"

So basically every line of the movie could be the best quote. This movie is just fucking funny. It continued the tradition of really dumb, funny as shit movies started by Dumb and Dumber the year before. Cheers to funny Adam Sandler...may he rest in peace.

Why It's Awesome: It's a fucking hilarious quotable movie. I still use Billy Madison quotes to this day, and when people don't know them I light dogshit on their front porch and go hide so I can watch them put it out with their boots. "Call the fire department! This one's out of control!"

Best Convo:

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace. I know from experience, if you know what I mean...

Billy: No you don't.

Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT-IT-ON! WHOOEEE!

Billy: No they didn't.

Bus Driver: No, no, they didn't. But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did...