Wild Things (1998)

Add this one to your Boner Jams collection.

I was 15 when this movie came out...15. Tell me this isn't a must-have in any horny teenager's movie collection.

For those of you unfamiliar with this movie, it is LEGENDARY for containing one of, if not the best, three-way sex scene of all time between the guy from "There's Something About Mary" (Matt Dillon), Neve Campbell (Of "Scream" fame), and Denise "Goddamn" Richards. The rest of the movie is trivial. That one scene makes the entire film. I'm not sure I even watched the rest of the movie past that scene until I graduated from college.

Now that I'm more mature and far less horny (for the most part), I have watched the entire film and the storyline is overly complex with more curves than Denise Richard's naked body. At first it seems like a vengeful high school bitch (Richards) is wrongfully accusing her guidance counselor (Dillon) of rape and using a Glades low-life (Campbell) to put him behind bars.

BUT THEN you find out that the counselor and the girls are in on it together and they're using the trial and the following lawsuit to cheat the rich bitch's mother out of millions of dollars...

BUT THEN the rich bitch and counselor kill off the Glades low-life so they don't have to share the money with her...

BUT THEN a cop (Kevin Bacon) investigating the whole thing kills the rich bitch during an apparent scuffle...

BUT THEN it turns out the cop and the counselor have been in on it together from the start...

BUT THEN it turns out the Glades low-life isn't dead and is actually a super genius who formed this overly elaborate scheme to get back at the cop for killing a friend of hers and her counselor for not being there for her when she was locked up and that bitch kills EVERYONE!

...except Bill Murray.

I told you it's complicated. You're best off just skipping ahead to the three-way and watching a less complicated movie afterwards.

Why It's Awesome: Three-Way with Denise Richards...need I say more?
Best Line:
Detective Duquette: What is a sex crime?
Jimmy: Not getting any!

Big (1988)

God I love this movie.

Could you imagine this movie with anyone other than Hanks? Harrison Ford and Robert De Niro turned down the role. Could you imagine "Big" starring Robert De Niro? Man, would that be one ugly kid.

Besides Tom Hanks making this role his bitch, the screenwriter did a great job with some of the small details. For instance, making Josh 13 years old was perfect. He's young enough to still be interested in toys, but old enough to want to bang chicks...what a great age...

Here's another great moment. Question: If you were 13 and magically turned into an adult, what's the first thing you would do?

Answer: You would check to see how big your dick was. Guys, deny that's what you would do! You can't. The first thing any guy would do is to check out his big, hairy schlong.

My favorite part of the movie is right after Josh bangs Susan (Did anyone else find that part a little too creepy to ignore? It's a grown woman molesting a 13 year old boy!), Josh gets off the elevator and he's in a really good mood and he starts doing all these "adult" things like drinking coffee and shit. Basically, he's decided that he's going to remain "Big" because it means he gets to have sex...and who can blame him.

But THEN, Susan wants to talk about their relationship and Josh decides, "Fuck this! I'm going back to being a kid!" Is that not perfect? Is that not the Catch-22 that every guy faces early in adulthood?

You spend your entire adolescence dreaming about being old enough to have sex with girls and then when you finally are old enough to bang chicks, you realize that in addition to the sex you also have to put up with all the serious relationship talks and other bullshit and you desperately wish to turn back the clock and go back to playing with your Ninja Turtles and jerking off in your closet to Victoria's Secret catalogs...but it's too late to turn back. Oh, the cruelty of the hands of time...

Anyways, great movie that continues to make me laugh to this day.

I wonder what would happen if they remade this movie today with a girl protagonist? Oh, wait...it would be called "13 going on 30" and it would suck dick. Query answered.

Why it's awesome: Totally realistic presentation of what a kid would do if he was actually turned into an adult by a creepy fortune teller quarter machine (like using your locker combo for your social security number).

Best Quote:
Susan: Well, I like you and I want to spend the night...
Josh: You mean sleep over?
Susan: Well...yeah...
Josh: OK...but I get to be on top.

Demolition Man (1993)

In the future, all restaurants are Taco Bell...

When I think of "fun" action movies from the 90's, the movie at the top of my list has to be Demolition Man. I challenge you to find a better sci-fi action comedy out there. Enhance your calm! You can't find one because there isn't one. The "fish out of water" premise of placing a badass criminal and cop from the 90's in a pussified version of the future makes for more laughs than you'll find in most comedies. They make the future so goddamn annoying you can't wait to see John Spartan and Simon Phoenix tear it apart.

Check out what we have to look forward to in the future:

1) You'll be fined for using profanity. Shit... (*Captain 69, you've been fined one credit for violating the Verbal Morality Statute*)

2) You'll have to have to sex using a virtual reality machine because of the dangers of Super AIDS or something like that.

3) You'll wipe your ass with three seashells (Although, it's never really explained how they work)

The movie is also somewhat prophetic since some of the events mentioned in it are either on the way to becoming true or have already happened:

1) Taco Bell is winning the franchise wars since they've merged with KFC and Pizza Hut.

2) Arnold will eventually be president...watch and see...

3) John Spartan's wife dies in "The Big One" of 2010. Could she possibly have been Haitian? Hmm...

The cast in this one is just top notch from leads to supporting roles:

Good guy: Sly Stallone...need I say more...

Bad guy: Wesley Snipes (he's blonde AND actually knows martial arts...for real)

Sidekick/Love Interest: Sandra Bullock (Was there a better sidekick/love interest in the 90's than Sandra Bullock? Whether you're in the future or on a bus, Sandra's gotta be there.)

Annoying Funny Guy: Rob Schneider (He's bumped up to Sly's sidekick in Judge Dredd...)

Supporting Funny Guy: Dennis Leary playing...well...Dennis Leary

Plus you've got Jesse "The Body" Ventura playing one of Phoenix's thugs AND Jack Black playing a non-speaking role as a Wasteland Scrap. Awesome...

By the way, I never write spoiler alert because if you haven't seen these movies yet, you should kill yourself for being so lame. Complaining about it would be something you regret for the rest of your life...both seconds of it.

Why it's awesome: Sly Stallone teaches the future why the 90's rocked ass and why violence and irresponsible behavior are timeless traits of awesomeness.

Best Quote: John Spartan - "You're on TV!" (as he hits Simon Phoenix with a television set...you have to see it to really appreciate it)

GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!

There's two kinds of people in this world: Movie people and pussies.

Honestly, if I tell someone to GET TO DA CHOPPA!!! and that person (usually a girl or a pussified lame excuse for a man) doesn't know what I'm talking about, I get a little pissed off because I'm a hardcore movie person who's only here to do two things: chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

I get super pissed when someone tells me that he or she "doesn't really watch movies." You don't watch movies? Then what the hell have you been doing with your life? Going outside? Interacting with the opposite sex? Lame! Watch a fucking movie already! Gawd!

I grew up during the glory days of cinema (the 80's and early 90's), and I can quote hundreds of movies off the top of my head. I know how many gigawats it takes to run a flux capacitor (1.21). I know all the rules of Fight Club (but I can't talk about them due to the first two rules of Fight Club). I am a movie person, my wife is a movie person, my friends are movie people, and this blog is for all you movie people out there in cyberspace.

Since movies just aren't as awesome as they were "back in the day" I'm going to be reviewing old school movies on this blog. There's no rating system or anything like that. I'm not reviewing movies for style or artistic value or any crap like that. I'm going to be reviewing fun movies and talking about what makes them so awesome. What's a "fun" movie? Office Space and Short Circuit are "fun" movies...Citizen Kane and The Crying Game are not. I will randomly select a movie every week and review the shit out of it and explain why it rocks balls...or sucks dick (depending on the movie).

I invite all you movie people out there to join with me and enjoy the total awesomeness of movies past.

I'm Captain 69. You stay classy...PLANET EARTH!

I love lamp...